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Difficulty orgasming?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Basically I'm really lucky and have a wonderful partner desperate to please me... but I can't orgasm with him. I know not many women can orgasm through penetrative sex anyway, but even when he fingers me I just tense up and start worrying about not being able to and then, of course, I can't. It's like I've got on some psychological treadmill. I can still orgasm on my own, and when he's there, it's just when he does it, because I have such difficulty, it feels like a really big deal and I get all tense and upset. I HAVE come with him fingering me before, but not too often, and we just sort of ignore the subject now. He would be willing to try anything, I just get too upset. It doesn't help that I take ages to orgasm - at least 10 mins of continued stimulation, even when I do it myself, so there's just this really long period where I get more and more worried about it.

Also, sorry to be personal, but he doesn't seem to know what to do properly with the clitoris - I don't know what he does, but it just feels painful/awkward rather than good? I tell him, but I don't seem to be able to show him what to do instead. We've tried with his tongue, and that feels nice, but doesn't really get me anywhere.

This isn't a massive problem - we still have sex often, and I don't mind very much, it's more that HE feels he's sort of a failure as a sexual partner, and I feel bad about that...

Basically the question is: What should I do? Keep trying, but it does feel like it's making it worse? Just leave it? Or do I need some kind of sex counselling...?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Basically I'm really lucky and have a wonderful partner desperate to please me... but I can't orgasm with him. I know not many women can orgasm through penetrative sex anyway, but even when he fingers me I just tense up and start worrying about not being able to and then, of course, I can't. It's like I've got on some psychological treadmill. I can still orgasm on my own, and when he's there, it's just when he does it, because I have such difficulty, it feels like a really big deal and I get all tense and upset. I HAVE come with him fingering me before, but not too often, and we just sort of ignore the subject now. He would be willing to try anything, I just get too upset. It doesn't help that I take ages to orgasm - at least 10 mins of continued stimulation, even when I do it myself, so there's just this really long period where I get more and more worried about it.

    Also, sorry to be personal, but he doesn't seem to know what to do properly with the clitoris - I don't know what he does, but it just feels painful/awkward rather than good? I tell him, but I don't seem to be able to show him what to do instead. We've tried with his tongue, and that feels nice, but doesn't really get me anywhere.

    This isn't a massive problem - we still have sex often, and I don't mind very much, it's more that HE feels he's sort of a failure as a sexual partner, and I feel bad about that...

    Basically the question is: What should I do? Keep trying, but it does feel like it's making it worse? Just leave it? Or do I need some kind of sex counselling...?

    I'm not an expert, but here's my 2c. I'm pretty sure women find it hard to orgasm when they're actually 'trying' to (if that makes sense). You getting tense and upset won't help either, if anything make it harder for you both to settle and reach your goal.. Try to relax! You mentioned when he attempts to pleasure you some times it feels painful and awkward, perhaps it's because he doesn't know how to pleasure you where as you know how to pleasure yourself, thus reaching orgasm solo.

    As for not being able to explain to your boyfriend on what he should do to help you; I'd recommend probably trying to use an erotic novel, or (for not being able to think of the proper word) sexual guide book. Hopefully you both will be able to find out what makes you tick better and you'll be able to relax and enjoy your boyfriends motivation to put a smile on your face. Hope this helps!
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