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an older man

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
he and i like eachother. but theres 2 slight problems.
1) He lives not near me,
2) he's 4 yrs older than me
he's 18 and im 14 (well almost) and i dont know what to do. i really like him but im having doubts about how this will work. any advise?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you met him?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would be a little careful here I mean you are still very young and he could put you in a very bad position...drugs, sex anything
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its hard to advise as this can completely depend on both of your characters, generally people tend to think hes too old and will take advantage.

    I knew a guy who was 19 and got with a 15 year old, people gave him stick as she was still at school obviously but he is a really shy gentle guy and they have been together 9 years
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would say right now the age difference would be considered taboo by many, however later on it wouldn't. I would say, socially you may not be accepted as a couple. But if you wait till your both legal before being intimate together and your careful to make sure he doesn't take advantage then it could work.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was 14 when I had my first bf and he was 18. It didn't work out then and we split up and got back together just before I turned 16 and stayed together for over 2 years. It was also a long distance relationship. It didn't work out in the end but it was an amazing relationship. We worked together really well. It does depend on alot of things though as to wether it will work or not, have you met him?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we have gotten 2gether twice. he drove a day and a half just to c me. we went to dinner and then a movie, but that was about a month ago, we i.m all the time tho if that counts
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Now... I have no doubts in some, rare situations this could work. and if you decide to go ahead I hope it does, but there are some fundamental questions you should ask yourself.

    1 - Why do you think he is looking to date someone so young, especially someone who could end him up with a nice prison sentence should something happen.

    2 - How well do you know him? you said you I.M all the time, and he drove a long distance to see you, you've met only twice so I assume you met online first. Someone who looks, and meets children under age online do fall into a category, especially when after a relationship, sexual or not. that category is a predator. Whilst I am not accusing him off anything, I would have to say it is a little hunky. Is this something you really really want? If so then I say go for it, try, but be careful, you have to remember most of what an eighteen year old thinks, is aimed towards sex, especially in a relationship.

    Best of luck, Prove me wrong!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    o good lord, i had nvr thot about it like that, considering we have nvr talked about having sex b4. i meen we have talked about it but not about doing it. and yes we met online about 5 months ago. thru an online site called www.gaiaonline.com .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm. I would suggest being very careful, how you wish to proceed with this is your choice, and your choice alone. just promise you'll be careful, I would be slightly concerned with him.

    Does he seem like a genuine person? what happened when you met up?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Like others said, not everyone who dates someone younger in their teens has ulterior motives, but, since so many changes happen in a person mentally and physically and you are doing so much developing in your age, a age gap of a few years can make a big difference. The difference between adulthood and childhood.

    Legally seen he is definitely not save. If your, or his parents or basically anyone brings your relationship to the attention of authorities it would cause your boyfriend legal trouble. The kind of trouble you REALLY don't want on your record.

    That said, he sounds like an ok bloke if he tries to take it slow and hasn't shown any sign of forcing you into something. Still, you always have to ask yourself: What does an adult man want with a teenage girl? There are most probably big differences in your personal interests, like what you focus on, think about, talk about, live for, try to achieve. Even tho in times like these you could be on a very similar level of emotional maturity.

    I can still not advise you to do it, because it's illegal in the UK, so all I can tell you is be wary, because this can mean a lot of trouble.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there shy_devil_girl :wave:

    You might want to check out theSite.org's factsheets on Age gaps in relationships to give you some food for thought.

    It seems that everybody else has focussed on the issue of how others would perceive your relationship and whether it might be a 'taboo'. Certainly there would likely be a few raised eyebrows, particularly as you're under the age of consent and he's over the age of 18.

    Do you think it might help to think about how other people might react to it? Your parents? Your friends? This might not mean just what they would think, but also what (if anything) they might actually do in reaction to it. Of course it might also valid to consider whether you would actually mind at all what other people think or do.

    Of course, as Ballerina's example shows there are lots of people who manage to make age differences (and distance for that matter) work and work really well in a relationship. The most important thing to remember is that it's all up to you. And that doesn't just mean whether you have a relationship but also what happens within it.

    I guess one of the immediate assumptions or fears with the kind of age difference you've described and the fact that you meet online is that the older guy will pressurise the young girl into doing something she doesn't want to. You can already see that Hellfire quickly came up with the word ‘predator’ and that is what many people may think.

    It would be a really good idea to read theSite.org’s article on meeting someone you’ve met online. Also, remember that you should never be afraid to tell him when something makes you uncomfortable, or if you ready for something in particular or if you just want to slow down. Whatever it is, if he's a guy who's worth his salt then he will respect your wishes and be glad you told him rather than simply saying nothing.

    I hope that whatever you decide it all goes well. And don't forget that we're always here if you have any more questions/problems/queries.

    Will :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He is a wonderful person, he's polite and a perfect gentlman. the most intimate we have gotten wud be when my parents invited him in and i was tired so i put my head in his lap when we sat on the couch. and my friends think he's a bit old 4 me and my parents like him
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you genuinely make each other happy then just see where it goes. Yes, usually it does seem weird, I had alot of raised eyebrows and then people actually saw us together and they changed their minds because they saw how happy we were. I was mature for my age and we just clicked so I think that's why we worked together so well. I'd just say go with your gut feeling and keep your head screwed on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He drove a day and a half to come and see you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we have gotten 2gether twice. he drove a day and a half just to c me. we went to dinner and then a movie, but that was about a month ago, we i.m all the time tho if that counts

    I thought that a month ago you were chatting on here about some other bloke you fancied? Is it the same bloke, or have you been chatting with this current guy whilst you were having issues with the previous one you fancied?

    Just be careful
    http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showpost.php?p=2299142&postcount=4

    Whilst there is nothing inherantly wrong with long distance relationships, you just need to be careful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G-Raffe wrote: »
    I thought that a month ago you were chatting on here about some other bloke you fancied? Is it the same bloke, or have you been chatting with this current guy whilst you were having issues with the previous one you fancied?

    Just be careful
    http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showpost.php?p=2299142&postcount=4

    Whilst there is nothing inherantly wrong with long distance relationships, you just need to be careful.

    It's not the long distant part I'd be worried about. I'm kinda in two minds about this, as a personal opinion. I do think he may be to old but I also know,that's me personally. Only you can decide
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G-Raffe wrote: »
    He drove a day and a half to come and see you?

    Good point, ive drove to Poland in less than that...

    I never realised this was internet based, that made it seem more predortary, but then you said hes met you parents which made me think he cannot be out to do you much harm if its all in the open and theres no secrecy going on then that is healthy.

    When i was 17 i considered geting with a 14 year old but she was way too forward, infact when we went on a first (and only) date she scared the hell out of my cos i was a virgin and she was trying to do allsorts and she had the hump with me for not doing nothing :d

    Personally i would not let my 14 year old Daughter drive around with an 18 year old because of where it may lead.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G-Raffe wrote: »
    He drove a day and a half to come and see you?

    yeah it was very romantic and he's also driving here for my official birthday, he's acualy as excited as I am. If not more ^-^ :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G-Raffe wrote: »
    I thought that a month ago you were chatting on here about some other bloke you fancied? Is it the same bloke, or have you been chatting with this current guy whilst you were having issues with the previous one you fancied?

    lol i liked him but he didnt really like me back and i even told Robert about him and then we just clicked i guess. as 4 the other bloke, he's dating this girl 3 towns over. so it all worked out i guess
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If he drives a day and a half to see you, where does he live and where do you live, if I may ask, it's just a day and a half is a long time to travel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    in my defence I didnt know that this site was meant for the UK only. He lives in the USA and i live in Canada. it takes a day to get to the border and another half to get to my house.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fair enough, this site isn't UK only, it is geared towards people in the UK as it is a uk based charity. However everyone is welcomed here :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lol kk now i didnt know that, and thnx every1 4 the great advise. i thot it ovr long and hard, and i decided the 1st sign of wanting sex or something im dumping him. i took all of it 2 heart and i thank u all. It meant alot 2 me
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