Accepting people you live with

Former Member

After five years in London living with various people, I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I cannot live with individuals any longer.

Current flatmates are driving me mad... They constantly go on about cleaning (well two of the three), but I never see either of them clean (and I am always cleaning up after them), one of them refuses to live with black people and she literally throws a fit and screams if you leave a dish to drain overnight, if the hoover is at the wrong angle or if you leave a cup in the living room (I think she must have mental health issues, or just like to shout at people)...

I really can't stand living here longer than I have to (I'll be able to get out early next year thank god), but know that I probably won't be able to afford my own place and am worried about living with people even more controlling...

I think what I need to do is learn to accept people I'm living with... Now I'm aware my previous living situation has made me not like other humans that much, but at the end of the day unless I wanna move back in to my Mum's, I'll have to learn to crack on...

I just want to relax after work, rather than sit down and eat dinner and have somebody complain at me to do the dishes before I eat...


Any advice on being tolerant? I really can't take a lot of stress in the winter and this place I feel like I'm walking on egg shells...

Am I being a dick about things?

Former Member

stop cleaning up after them.

They can't have a go at you about cleaning before eating if their things are still dirty.

Former Member

Big Gay wrote: »

stop cleaning up after them.

They can't have a go at you about cleaning before eating if their things are still dirty.

That's true... I think they take for granted that I'm always mopping up and don't realise I do...

i.e. today flatmate came in and I could hear him saying "tidy up" because I left my bowl and pan out to drain when I went to the gym... BUT then to leave them out to drain, I had to put all his stuff away.

Still, I just wanna learn to accept people, rather than get annoyed.

Former Member

Sounds more the problem is that you're living with a bunch of idiots rather than you needing to become more tolerant.

Hopefully the next place you move to you can suss things out a bit more beforehand and find a better match/normal housemates.

Former Member

Your not being a Dick.. you sound like your clean.. but theyre a bit ott.. unfortunately moving in with strangers can have effects like this.

Former Member

Maladjusted wrote: »

Sounds more the problem is that you're living with a bunch of idiots rather than you needing to become more tolerant.

Hopefully the next place you move to you can suss things out a bit more beforehand and find a better match/normal housemates.

Maybe...

I'd rather live with older women, I think... I don't live as well with men, or with people in their twenties...

But guess I'll have to see.

Hellfire wrote: »

Your not being a Dick.. you sound like your clean.. but theyre a bit ott.. unfortunately moving in with strangers can have effects like this.

This is the thing... The place before this was worse... One of my flatmates was obsessed with me, wanted to sleep in my bed with me, lied about a tumour, lied compulsively... The other also lied compulsively, could be aggressive (though in retrospect I think he's just socially stupid) and was insanely controlling...

I need to learn to just be able to deal with people, as I am either very unfortunate, or have some kinda poor judge of character...

I don't really feel safe around men, since the last place and the way things went... I wish I could afford to live alone!

Former Member

Would it help if you had a cleaning rota or something? Then maybe that would encourage them to do more and make them realise you are being clean and tidy?! Otherwise I think they only way is to try and ignore it - you know you're not doing anything wrong.

How much time did you spend with people before moving in? For me, I had a look round the place, then went back one evening to meet all of the housemates to have a chat about ourselves and also about how they live - e.g. cleaning, cooking etc. And then we went for a drink a few days later. Time consuming but I think helped us all make sure we'd be ok living together. I also had a chat about the person moving out to see how they'd found it. I think making as much effort as possible when looking for somwhere to see what the people are like helps in the long run.

Former Member

Kat_B wrote: »

Would it help if you had a cleaning rota or something? Then maybe that would encourage them to do more and make them realise you are being clean and tidy?! Otherwise I think they only way is to try and ignore it - you know you're not doing anything wrong.

How much time did you spend with people before moving in? For me, I had a look round the place, then went back one evening to meet all of the housemates to have a chat about ourselves and also about how they live - e.g. cleaning, cooking etc. And then we went for a drink a few days later. Time consuming but I think helped us all make sure we'd be ok living together. I also had a chat about the person moving out to see how they'd found it. I think making as much effort as possible when looking for somwhere to see what the people are like helps in the long run.

I didn't really know them... Because the room was so cheap, I took it asap... My own fault really... BUT come early next year, I'll be looking again.

Former Member

Tell them to fuck off if they make snide comments about dishes in sinks - that all sounds horribly passive aggressive, I'd be tempted to just reply aggressively and have it out with them.

Former Member

You should have taken all of their stuff out of the storage, and put it back on the side, and nicely mention that you may have left your stuff to simply drain, but to do so you had to put all of their stuff away. Also that if they are that narrow minded, hypocritical and ignorant to not realise that stuff left to dry is fuck all compared to the shit they leave lying about, that they should go take a look at themselves in the mirror and cross their fingers that it doesn't break in pure disgust.

Former Member

katralla wrote: »

Tell them to fuck off if they make snide comments about dishes in sinks - that all sounds horribly passive aggressive, I'd be tempted to just reply aggressively and have it out with them.

That's probably the right term... Because they kinda make you out like you're doing bad to people sometimes (it was worse when the Aussie was in, she was such a bigot)...

For example, I was rinsing a can and left it to drain and got told that I shouldn't do that because last time the guy cut himself on a can I left out (I mean c'mon... a 30 year old man, not a baby)...

It's all really weird...

At other times it's fine and atm, I just ignore them if it's going on. I don't understand how people can be secure and so... Naggy.

But they're always blaming each other behind backs, sending Emails and stuff... Me and another woman are just bored of it... I've told them now, if they want to talk I will only respond face to face.

How can I not get driven crazy by this? Just until the spring...

Former Member

Take up the most annoying instrument you can think of and learn to play it badly, just for the pleasure of annoying them back? Ok, probably not that.

Former Member

having survived two flatmates from hell, my advice is you don't have to accept it as in give in or anything. accept that they are ever so slightly weird yes and if they have a go, let it run off your back because they sound like toddlers. hope you find some nice/normal people to live with. good luck

cleaning rota is a good idea and at least you will feel like you are making an effort. but i'm gonna assume they will do what my housemate did and ignore it, leaving everything to you. but then on the other hand it's good to have something in black and white that was mutually agreed to show that you are doing your bit and that they are the ones fucking up. it is painful to see the place get untidy but do NOT do their stuff, they need to learn somehow.

Former Member

Sounds grim. You have my sympathies. I wouldn't concern yourself with writing washing-up rotas or putting their things back out on draining boards, it's deckchairs off the titanic; people aren't going to stop being bell-ends because a cleaning schedule occurred. If you're having to consider stuff like this, then there's no amount of being reasonable that's going to change anything.

There's nowt as strange as folk, and there's no way I could live in an environment like that. I'd look for somewhere else, or as Katralla says, just be abrupt and matter of fact about it as and when it occurs.

Former Member

STOP doing anything for them,
just do your Own,
if they say anything turn round and growl and say u gotta fucking problem cus if u have i'm ready for ya ( do it in a mad weird pscho kinda way) they might think ohmygod nutter best leave u alone :d x

Former Member

Ask 'em if they've ever picked their teeth off the floor with broken fingers before.

Former Member

Namaste wrote: »

After five years in London living with various people, I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I cannot live with individuals any longer.

Current flatmates are driving me mad... They constantly go on about cleaning (well two of the three), but I never see either of them clean (and I am always cleaning up after them), one of them refuses to live with black people and she literally throws a fit and screams if you leave a dish to drain overnight, if the hoover is at the wrong angle or if you leave a cup in the living room (I think she must have mental health issues, or just like to shout at people)...

I really can't stand living here longer than I have to (I'll be able to get out early next year thank god), but know that I probably won't be able to afford my own place and am worried about living with people even more controlling...

I think what I need to do is learn to accept people I'm living with... Now I'm aware my previous living situation has made me not like other humans that much, but at the end of the day unless I wanna move back in to my Mum's, I'll have to learn to crack on...

I just want to relax after work, rather than sit down and eat dinner and have somebody complain at me to do the dishes before I eat...


Any advice on being tolerant? I really can't take a lot of stress in the winter and this place I feel like I'm walking on egg shells...

Am I being a dick about things?

i know how you feel, i live in a shared house that is the same, there are four rooms but at the moment there are about 10 people, i have lost count. and they are messy thank god i am moving out before christmas a year is long enough, they flood the bathroom and i am always having to clean up pee of the toilet seat before i can do it is just digusting, the guy opposite out room really annoys me, he is always having a go at me and my partner for not cleaning, when we do it all, and empty the bins all the times and supply the bags, no one will clean the cooker after they use it so now is really vile and we dont even use the hob

they will never empty the bins even when they full, i have have never seen them do it or take out the rubbish, i hate that they have a go at me but they never clean, double standards like all thier saucepans and everything still lying around dirty.

he have new people living down stairs and they talk so loud that at night will keep me awake, but the guy opposite is the worse and the most digusting and think he runs the house when women do. but i put signs up saying not to do certain things because of my asthma and instead the people down stairs smoke and the guy upstairs sprays air freshner for 5 minutes right outside my door despite there being no smell what so ever, instead of paying respect the rules i have in place for a reason they took the sign down and put it in the bin

Former Member

I agree, you don't sound like you've been a dick at all. I've lived in the same shared house for 3 years now and lived with a number of different people over the years. One thing I've noticed is people generally try to get away with doing as little cleaning as possible, whether it's because they're renting somewhere rather than own their place, are just messy by nature or I've just been unlucky I don't know. We've had a cleaning rota in place for about 3 weeks now (first time I've ever had anything like this) The house is in general tidier, but I've noticed those who complained most about mess are less thorough at cleaning, they will still leave washing up in the sink for days at a time until I normally crack and do it because I need some space to cook. I would try to avoid this sort of arrangement if possible, if you're already doing more than your fair share it's likely to piss you off more in the long term as you may end up feeling obbliged to continue doing what you are now plus more.

As has been said people can be weird. The latest addition to our house kept putting the heating on full throughout summer. She takes 3 long showers a day (normally when people need to use the bathroom to get ready for work despite her not being at work that day) and wants to call the police because she thinks I'm smoking weed in my room (it's incense!) She also does her washing at 3am because 'it's the only time' she can do it which wakes me up as our washing machine is really loud and knackered.

I don't really know what the solution is. Possibly finding another shared place (somewhere cheaper if possible so you can save money to get your own place eventually), but I just wanted to say you sound like a decent person to live with and that you're not alone.

Former Member

Update: Had an argument because I was woken up at 6:30am with them bitching about me forgetting to take the rubbish out... Then asked them to be quiet and I get told off for not cleaning the back of the toilet 3 months ago... :rolleyes:

Have suggested a book, where we log what we clean (though the response from the guy was a passive aggressive "only if we all clean to the same standard" whilst I was cleaning up after him)... People have agreed to that and I am happy, as frankly I'm tired of cleaning up after people.

I am just gonna move out asap... I am sick of living with a posh boy wanting to be a cop and a woman who gets obsessed with cleanliness... I am starting to wonder if they have some kind of mental problems, or an issue with me. My male flatmate has become a real dick since starting police training, bragging about all these fight moves and how he'd arrest his housemates if we broke the law... lol wtf

It's just a bitchy, horrible place to live with self-absorbed people who just want an excuse to complain.

I just gotta find a way I can put together a deposit and move the hell outta here, but then saying that my other house mates could be just as neurotic... I just wish we weren't in this economic rut, so I could maybe move out, get a job elsewhere and have my own place!

Former Member

sounds awful, big hugs