just don't know what to do!

Former Member

I have been going wth my boyfriend for 9yrs have lived together for 7yrs and have 2 lovely kids but for the past few yrs things have just not been the same i love him but im just not sure im in love with him anymore. We split up for a while a few months ago and i started seeing someone else however my boyfriend was in a real mess about our split and begged me to try n work things out, i have bn trying but i just don't feel the way i usd to about him and i can't get the other guy out my head.
Should i keep trying with my boyfriend for his and the kids sake or should i let myself be happy and call it a day for good?
I'm still young in my early 20's just don't want to be wasting anymore time being unhappy but also don't want to make my boyfriend unhappy the kids and i are all he has.

Former Member

It is very difficult when a couple split up. Someone always gets hurt. There is no such thing as an amicable split. Very few people are lucky enough to remain "in love" with their partner forever. However, if we love someone, we trust them, we are comfortable in their company, proud of their achievements, supportive of their efforts and loyal to them through thick and thin, and without them we feel incomplete. You got together with your boyfriend when you were very young, and people's characters and priorities change a bit as they grow up. Perhaps you have just naturally grown apart. If things aren't good between you and you are only with your bf to try and stop him falling apart, it will not do any of you any good in the long term. You have two lovely kids together, so there will always be a bond there. Children need a father so, if you do leave, you must try and emphasise how important your bf is to them. He can still be a good dad, but he also deserves love. By leaving him, you may be giving him the chance to find someone else.

Former Member

Sometimes in your life you have to be selfish and right now is a good opportunity. Think of yourself and make yourself happy...everything will work out how it should in the end

Former Member

Hey confused chick :wave:

As overthehill and PaperTongues have said, if you're unhappy, then being selfish is nothing to be ashamed of - even though it doesn't come naturally to many of us. As hard as it can be, it's important to think about what you really want long term and staying with someone because you're worried about how they will cope isn't the best reason to stay and may only build more resentment over time.

If you think you want more from life or can be happier then it's worth considering that your children will benefit too from a happier mum! Equally, your boyfriend, although you love him and have this long history together, he too deserves to be really happy. Perhaps, if his life has become so focused on you and the children, it will give him a chance to reinvent himself, maybe he needs a bit of a push to do that?

Having a life of your own even when you're in a relationship can be so important, whether it's a good mate to vent to once in a while or people to spend time with away from the stresses of family life, we all need those outlets and it's a shame by the sound of it that he's lost that as you say you're 'all he has'.

If things aren't working then deciding to do something about it will probably be one of the bravest things you'll ever do. It will be upsetting and hard to let go but if it feels like the right thing to do then things will work out in the end. People can be more adaptable than you think sometimes.

It might help to imagine being together another year, five or even ten years. Could things or will things ever really change or get better? Is this what you really want?

overthehill makes a really good point, when you're with someone from a young age, that you will both be going through big changes and growing as people and developing as you get older. Sometimes couples are lucky and they grow in the same way and want the same things. For others, your priorities in life become different or you don't love them in the same way anymore and being brave enough to recognise that and let go isn't easy.

Try to remember that if you do decide to leave him, that after the initial hurt and upset, you will still appreciate what you have shared, it doesn't mean it's a waste or that it wasn't an important part of both your lives.

As there is another guy involved it might be worth taking some time to consider whether you want to leave becasue of this new exciting thing or in fact that your relationship has come to an end regardless. Try to separate the two perhaps?

You might also want to take a look at this article on separating with children.

Let us know how you're getting no and take care *hug*