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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,

Just wanted to ask for thoughts and advice really.

I guess I'll start with getting a girlfriend. This is something I'd like to happen, but hasn't as of yet. Part of the problem I think has been my self esteem and confidence. It's a lot better now, but I was put down a lot as a teenager and believed what people said like I was 'ugly', 'had nothing going for me.' I didn't rate myself too highly.

Since university I have had girls come up to me and even say I was attractive. I've had a few dates, asked out a handful of people, but it didn't quite work - one said yes but we didn't click and the others said no.

Possibly what I'm thinking is true that confidence and self esteem is important for getting a girlfriend - I guess you have to try and rate yourself highly. I do think I have a lot of good qualities, but I've put on weight after being ill at university due to the medication I take (I feel the bullying played a role in my mental health difficulties.)

I guess I don't feel that attractive due to putting on the weight and even though I'm trying to lose it it's quite hard as the medication affects my metabolism. But then maybe personality is more important and they could see past the fact I'm overweight.

I guess the question is what do girls often look for and how to go about meeting someone. People have said it's often best to be friends first and get to know them so social groups could be an idea eg the French club I go to or internet dating maybe.

As for friends and general social stuff it feels like I do quite well in social situations. I feel that my self perception was wrong and I have good qualities and can make friends. I used to feel I didn't have much to offer and it's been a gradual realisation that I can be funny, warm and have things to say of interest - it's all been about self perception.

I've made friends wherever I've been which is a good thing and fortunately since leaving university I've joined a film club back home and met some other people through different ventures.

I guess it's normal that I've lost some friends along the way and sometimes I find this difficult, but I guess I wonder what's the best way to look at it - is gratitude useful/is it normal to be upset for a bit and then get over it and move on ? I've not been sure.

Someone said the way they look at things is that the other person has lost their friendship. I feel with some former friends they maybe weren't the best friends anyway. I've also found the friends for a season/reason/life useful.

I guess with our relationships be they romantic or friends some last a long time and others are more transient - I've had some friends since I was 8, whereas others have lasted a few months or years.

In general what are the reasons for relationships ending and also how do you maintain them ?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've made and lost more friends than I can count.

    One reason for growing apart is distance. Some friendships are stronger than others and you will always get ones that are only strong enough to endure when the two people are able to meet up frequently.

    The other main reason is that you have changed over the years and are at different life stages. This often happens with school friends. I have some friends who are getting married and starting families wheras I'm like "heck no I'm only 22, my lifes just got started!"

    Some friendships no matter what just cant be maintained but the best thing to do is stay in touch and take an interest in what they are doing.

    I think its true that the best way to have a romantic relationship is to meet them through friends. The first date is much less awkward when you have met, spoken to them and hung out before in a more casual setting. If you are shy or lacking in confidence then this scenario is much easier.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the reply.

    I certainly try and stay in touch with friends through e mail and telephone communication. I try and show an interest in others as much as I can.

    Every new situation I've gone into I've been able to make friends which is a good thing.

    The thing is now most people I have been friends with live far away, some in other countries even. I have local friends, some who I knew from school and others who I have met since university.

    I do want to stay in touch with friends despite the distance, but think it's difficult. What is the best way to maintain long-distance friendships ?

    I've found with some people it's felt like rejection as I've sent them messages and didn't get replies.

    As for getting a girlfriend, hopefully this will come with time, but is there any way to build up my confidence ? Also how can I get into the dating game ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Building Confidence:

    There are many ways you can build your confidence, some include Exercise, sports, keeping active, trying new things and meeting new people. But at the end of the day it comes down to what your interests and hobbies are and what you feel comfortable with.

    Getting Into The Dating Game:

    You could start of with something like CitySocialising to make some friends and get to know new people. Then theres online dating, speed dating, local community groups, sports clubs.

    Hope it helps.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The best way to keep in touch with distance friends is regular contact with phone and email. Sending photos is also good. However I think the problem (at least for me) is that some people have more going on in their lives than others. Many of my friends are abroad or in further study wheras I am stuck at home temping. I need more attention from them than they need from me which leads to the rejection feelings you describe.

    As for the dating game, personally I think its the same game as the meeting new people game. You meet new people and eventually you will meet someone you feel chemistry with. There are other options like internet dating which I wont comment on as I have never done this. If you are a super confidant cassanova type then you could just pick up a girlfriend in a public place with your charm, personally I just find guys like that come across sleazy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi,

    Thanks for the replies. What I've found (and not sure if this is generally true for most people) is that when in close proximity to people you generally hear from them, but further away it's 'out of sight is out of mind' a little bit more.

    At uni I'd be in touch with my uni friends and not really hear from my school friends, but when I moved back home for X mas or holidays it was the opposite.

    In terms of keeping in touch with people how can I strengthen/improve the friendships ? I find with quite a few people who live further away it feels one-sided ie I'll put the effort in with phone and email, but not hear from them so much. I've not been sure about this as sometimes I've wondered why this is or if they care, but I usually get a good reaction - maybe there are lots of factors and it could be they are busier than I am as they work.

    I'm not sure also with some people if I've 'perceived' rejection when it wasn't necessarily the case. People haven't replied, but I guess you don't know for sure why this is - I kind of gave up with these people, but maybe I was wrong.

    Sometimes I think I have got things wrong with thinking about relationships - I didn't hear from a local friend for a long time and thought he'd moved on, but ran into him in the street and he wanted to go for a drink.

    I guess the question is how do you know for sure a friendship is over ?

    Maybe I've made mistakes with some people through insecurities or assumptions and the way I've thought about relationships ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My own view is that it is a mistake to think of friendships "ending". In the vast majority of cases, we simply drift apart and get on with our own lives. Our friends are the people who are most relevant to us in any given situation. But that doesn't mean that we are no longer friends with people we knew before. As we go through life, we accumulate more and more "friends", but it isn't practical to keep up with all of them. And although technology makes it very easy to keep up with current friends, it also makes dangerously easy to lose touch too. Someone suddenly changes their mobile phone number or gets a new email address, loses interest in FB, gets a new job or moves address and ... just like that, they're gone! Then, every now and again, you bump into someone you knew from years ago, and they greet you as if it was only yesterday.

    The only friendships that genuinely "end" are those where there has been some sort of fundamental disagreement or betrayal. If I haven't actually fallen out with someone, I will continue to refer to them as a friend, even if they live on the other side of the world and the chances of meeting up are slim ...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello,
    Don't know if my input will help, but just wanted to give you my experience and view-point.

    1) Your view of yourself: "I guess I don't feel that attractive due to putting on the weight and even though I'm trying to lose it it's quite hard as the medication affects my metabolism. But then maybe personality is more important and they could see past the fact I'm overweight."

    I am also in the same position in that because I am lonely and dont have any friends at the moment, i tend to comfort eat. Now i know your reason is medically-based so please excuse me mentioning comfort eating, but i do understand where you are coming from with the fact that you dont feel attractive because of your weight gain. However what I would like to say is, im not anything to special to look at, and now im not thin either, and yet my other half who is totally gorgeous and fantastically intelligent still wants me for my personality. Personality is the be and end all = yes people say that looks attract, but ive been there where the looks attracted, but they were a dipstick in reality. looks are way over-rated.

    "I guess the question is what do girls often look for and how to go about meeting someone. People have said it's often best to be friends first and get to know them so social groups could be an idea eg the French club I go to or internet dating maybe."

    With regards to meeting people - I started working in a bar in the evenings as well as my daytime job purely to socialise and lo and behold i met my partner. Getting a job in a youthful lively pub is a wonderful location to meet friends an potential partners - and i really enjoyed my time there.

    On the friends issue - this is a tricky one.I personally lost all of my friends when i left school to start work, as they stayed behind enjoying the social college/uni life. I to be fair wish id gone to uni if only for the social side of things, but i think whichever route you go down there are things youd do differently.
    I made friends at part-time college, but they were all male so the wives wouldnt have been too happy us meeting up, plus they had families, and now i do so again i see the difficulty in getting out to meet people. What I can say is that I have met people through online sites such as girlsdateforfree (although blokes can join for a fee) and they have been really wonderful people. So many people are lonely nowadays because not everyone has time to stop and talk and chat and enjoy life.
    mark1984 wrote: »

    Since university I have had girls come up to me and even say I was attractive. I've had a few dates, asked out a handful of people, but it didn't quite work - one said yes but we didn't click and the others said no.

    I guess I don't feel that attractive due to putting on the weight and even though I'm trying to lose it it's quite hard as the medication affects my metabolism. But then maybe personality is more important and they could see past the fact I'm overweight.

    I guess the question is what do girls often look for and how to go about meeting someone. People have said it's often best to be friends first and get to know them so social groups could be an idea eg the French club I go to or internet dating maybe.

    I guess it's normal that I've lost some friends along the way and sometimes I find this difficult, but I guess I wonder what's the best way to look at it - is gratitude useful/is it normal to be upset for a bit and then get over it and move on ? I've not been sure.

    I hope this helps.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the replies.

    I'm glad that you understand how I feel about the weight gain aspect. I mean I kind of feel that the looks part would be important for sexual attraction, but I think that personality is very important. I mean if I was a horrible person etc would anyone want to go out with me even if I looked like a male model ?

    It's probably more important to be a nice person and have good qualities overall.

    As for friends I've felt confused and unsure. I feel confident in my ability to make friends as I've made friends in different situations. At times in the past though I wasn't so sure about making friends as I wasn't as confident and didn't have as high self esteem.

    It's been the crossroads that has made me feel unsure - everyone goes in all different directions. I guess it's just when you have shared experiences and want to stay in touch it's difficult when there is distance involved. The way I've felt with some is that they didn't want to stay in touch which has been hard.

    I guess it's tricky - surely you have some form of emotional attachment and it's tricky if you think you may not see the person again - I feel more like this as it's quite rare you can meet up and with the lack of contact I've wondered if the friendship is over. Don't know if that makes sense ?

    If you do lose touch with someone what is the best way to deal with it ??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i just read some things in the ask the site archive that tied in with some of my thoughts I think showing others feel the same.

    I've felt that with some I do all the running and it was mentioned by the person replying to the question it could be that you want your friends to put some effort in with you so that you feel needed. Maybe this ties in with my experience that I want people to be in touch so I feel needed and liked and feel that they want to be friends with me. Generally the contact comes from people closer to home.

    But also I don't want to lose touch with people who have been a part of my life, so maybe things I have been thinking about have several layers to them including confidence and self esteem as well.
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