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how does one get a friends with benefits?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is a winding story, but about six months ago i met a woman online, and since then I have been chatting with her on MSN.

She is pretty, and from what i see seems nice. But I don't want a relationship with her since she has a son, and i don't connect with kids well. If we ever got serious, i couldn't handle helping her raise her son.

the thing is though that, well, we have decided to go out sometime, to the cinema or something, and I want to get to know her better, but I want to know how to bring up the friends with benefits thing, and when to do so.

I don't want to use her, since this is bad and I don't think it's right to use people. But i don't think we have a connection yet (or at least as strong) for me to ask her.

In essence, I'd like to be close with her, but her son (who no fault of his own, he has done nothing to me) is in the way, I don't connect well with kids. But the only way I can think of being close is a friends with benefits thing, since I like her a lot. Is my reasoning off? :chin:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your reasoning isn't off, but things like this aren't always about what's reasonable.

    If you don't feel like you have a connection yet, I'd advise you not to go there. 'Friends with benefits' can occasionally work (I think it was katralla who described having an insanely healthy-sounding fuck buddy situation) but usually someone ends up getting too emotionally involved.

    Do you have to make it a sexual relationship? Has she hinted that she wants a relationship with you? If she's aiming for love and gets offered a regular fiddle instead, she's going to be pretty hurt, especially if it's because of her son.

    I'd suggest winding this down to a friendship level and getting your jollies elsewhere.
  • Dr PirateDr Pirate Trust me, I'm a doctor Posts: 8,303
    Find someone who's on the dole, befriend them, thusly - friend with benefits.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dr Pirate wrote: »
    Find someone who's on the dole, befriend them, thusly - friend with benefits.

    Boom boom! :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dr Pirate wrote: »
    Find someone who's on the dole, befriend them, thusly - friend with benefits.
    :D

    POTW!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dr Pirate wrote: »
    Find someone who's on the dole, befriend them, thusly - friend with benefits.

    Well played.

    I'm afraid I can't help the original poster, but good luck?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Kira, i may have read this wrong but i assume you have not yet actually met her face to face, if that is the case then i think you may be rushing things a little anyway.
    I think meeting for the cinema maybe a meal etc is a great idea.
    You will have to accept that her son is likely to always come before you in her life, if you dont want a serious relationship then i guess it would be wise to let her know where you stand early on but not this early as it might frighten her off.
    She may well be very happy to be a friend with benefits and there is nothing wrong with that in my book but the question is does she want the same?
    I would have a couple of dates and then just lay my cards on the table you really have no other choice as you either both want the same thing or it will not last and if you work this out early enough al least you can remain friends.
    Good luck x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I haven't chatted with her in a few days, but next time I do so i will ask her if she wants to go out sometime. thanks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    unfair

    so basicly your looking for a fook buddy.
    if you know there is no chance with this woman cos of her son then stop now don't lead her on and check out the internet for no strings sex fun.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't want to lead her on, but I guess I should look elsewhere and keep her as a friend.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    kira wrote: »
    I don't want to lead her on, but I guess I should look elsewhere and keep her as a friend.

    Sounds like a good plan :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    first: have a friend.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    first: have a friend.

    it's hard since everybody my age still has the school mentality. and i cannot connect with people well. and when I meet people they annoy me since they always expect me to instantly approve of them and accept me into my good books. It's always the same "you don't know me!" or "you ain't go no reason to dislike me!" People are just too hypocritical and dishonest.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    look for someone older then.

    Whenever I click with a girl (and vice versa) she happens to be older than me. I don't know why.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it's still the same.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You have to live the life of a sad, antisocial hermit then, write "friend" on your right hand play five against willy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it's not me at fault. I don't have to like/approve of anybody else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it's not me at fault. I don't have to like/approve of anybody else. if other people don't accept that basic norm of interaction, that's not my issue.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, you can't have friends with benefits without friends. And you can't have friends if you don't like anyone...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i do like people, but i'm just disillusioned and confused.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you have friends at the moment? If not, perhaps you could think of a hobby you used to like, or one you'd like to start as a way to meet like minded people?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    Do you have friends at the moment? If not, perhaps you could think of a hobby you used to like, or one you'd like to start as a way to meet like minded people?

    no i don't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know my life would be very much impoverished without the friends I have. Do you think it's a problem that you don't have friends, and can you think of any solutions?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yes, since i feel strange in not talking to people. but people are too immature and still have teenage rules of interaction. Most people my age (I'm late twenties) still are judgmental and like to think of superiority in everything. I don't think that way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You don't need to be friends with the 'most' people you find immature, just a couple that you do like - where are you going to find them?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i don't know where. :chin:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kira wrote: »
    yes, since i feel strange in not talking to people. but people are too immature and still have teenage rules of interaction. Most people my age (I'm late twenties) still are judgmental and like to think of superiority in everything. I don't think that way.

    You just hang with the wrong people, that's all. Don't start generalizing again. I wouldn't like the people you describe either, yet I have friends I relish.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kira wrote: »
    but people are too immature and still have teenage rules of interaction. Most people my age (I'm late twenties) still are judgmental and like to think of superiority in everything. I don't think that way.

    This statement is exceptionally superior and judgemental.

    Pot, kettle, etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How is it judgmental?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, you're making sweeping generalisations about a huge number of people, and then using that generalisation as grounds not to be friends with those people because they apparently have characteristics that you don't like.

    It's deliciously ironic to complain that you don't like and can't be friends with a huge group of people - everyone your age - because they are "too judgemental and superior". Can you really not see that?

    It's a bit like saying "I can't stand French people, they are so prejudiced and bigoted".
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but i find it to be true. Most people my age have the idea of one up man ship all the time, just like we were eleven or twelve. And then people say we should show humanity to all, but people are still bastards. I don't want to associate with the many if they are so hypocritical and dishonest. Either it is one way or the other, it's like saying people need food to live, but they don't, it's contradictory.
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