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Can't cope with porn?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,

I have a (probably common) problem which I just can't seem to deal with and I am hoping some outside perspectives might help.

I'm in a relationship with a guy in his mid-30s and we see each other weekends due to distance. He spends weekdays at work on his own and doesn't have anything to do really so spends most of his time messing on facebook, Internet, games and stuff.

I recently found out that he has also been watching porn online - at work and quite often sometimes - sometimes its only a couple of times a week other times it's every day that he can! Sometimes only 10-20 minutes but a few times maybe 1-2 hours.

I feel really mixed emotions about this and don't know what to think. I knew he watched porn at some point but didn't really think it was anything more than rare, especially since the only time he gets online is at work - I didn't know he did it there! I knew he jerks off maybe 1-2 a week but he said it was at home or in the shower. When I ask why he does it at work, he says because he doesnt have the Internet at home. So does this mean he was lying when he said he did it at home?? Sometimes there are stains on the sheets and he always said it was because he had a wank, but if he doesnt wank at home because he has no Internet then how else are the stains getting there!!?? argh!

I feel like he has told a load of fibs about it too which pisses me off - things like:

--We had a chat once and I asked if he thought about me when he did it (referring to him at home) and he said of course who else would he think about .... but now its obvious he is watching porn and thinking about whatever woman is there.

--When I first confronted him recently he tried to make out like he didn't wank at work just watched porn, saying he HAD wanked there but usually doesnt... but I was like please, that's rubbish, why else would you start watching porn!???

--He also has told me that he doesn't do it often maybe only 1-2 a month which judging by the last month seems a load of bull.

--He was telling me how it isnt about one person it is just a bit of fun and and something different and it's not like he is looking at the girl and wanting her etc - yet he has been searching for specific types of girl and in some cases, names of porn stars so he obviously chooses his porn based on the women and not just randomly so obviously he DOES watch it and fantasise about being with that woman and wanting her!

But apart from the fibs I just feel really upset and confused because:

--Some of the people he searches for are nothing like me - different races even - or are ones that are incredibly fit or huge tits or whatever and I just feel like first of all really upset because its nothing like me and I am not good enough, but also that he is lying because he always goes on about not liking false people and preferring natural beauty etc and yet here he is jacking off to some fake tited plastic fantastic slag???? Or generally just making out these people aren't his type when obviously they are. And I hate the thought he is watching these videos and getting turned on and orgasming over the thought that he is having sex with another woman.

--We have had some arguments over the months and are not as close as when we got together but when we got together he wanted pictures of me, always talked about looking forward to seeing me (in sexual ways) etc - but now its been months and months and months since anything like that and although we do have sex its nowhere near as often as before - used to be almost every day we were together now its like once over the 4 days we see each other in a week and even then it often doesnt seem like he is that interested. And yet he has lost interest in me but still finds the sex drive to jerk off 4 times in the week to porn??????

--Almost all of the porn he is looking for is based around anal sex and this pisses me off because actually we have done this together before so its not like he needs to get his fix from porn! And although most of the time we have normal sex, he almost always sticks his fingers somewhere near there (sorry for detail!) but this now upsets me because I feel like he is thinking of these porn films and fantasising about fucking them and not me when he is doing it. And I am left feeling like I am not satisfying him enough because if I was then why the need for porn!

--As stupid as it sounds, I dont get why he manages to jerk off at work all of these times and yet despite me being there with him quite a lot of times over the months he has never tried having any fun with me there, in fact practical ignores me just to play games whilst I do the same (I go there to use his internet connection!).

--We have always chatted online together during the week in the days when we are both at work... but in the last few months he has just got more and more rubbish at talking and seems like he is really not interested in talking - he says its coz there are always arguments and he is busy playing his games but now I know that sometimes the reason is quite different - and I feel physically sick at the idea that I am sitting here waiting for a conversation and giving up because I think he is busy playing a game when in fact he is sitting there jerking off to some porn. Great! So now I dont want to talk to him on MSN anymore because as soon as he goes quiet I start thinking he is looking at porn!

--If anything I am usually the one wanting sex and theres definately no excuse for the girlfriend not wanting sex enough to make him happy, trust me if he wanted it too it wouldnt be a problem.

Anyway after all that, sorry for the confusing rambles its just my thoughts are a mess, but the thing is I dont have a problem with porn per-se - if he watched the odd bit of porn randomly now and then it wouldnt be a problem its more than fact its so often and he isnt as bothered about me and the fact he is specifically looking for certain women and stuff. :-(

So please tell me am I crazy, is he wrong, whats going on? How often do men jerk off, watch porn his age - is it normal? Why do it, what does it mean?

Thank you

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally I don't get why it would bother you that he is looking at porn, it's better than going around sleeping with other people if he is pleasuring himself. I'm no expert but I don't think he would be fantasising about sleeping with the women doing the porn, I don't think blokes look at porn to get off on imagining being with the women, I think it's more about what they are doing than who they are but again I could be wrong. As for searching for specific porn stars, that could be because he likes their style if you like (like he might be into real hard core stuff or less so so he knows what he is getting if he searches for the same person if that makes sense). It sounds like you have issues and I don't think your relationship is working, I also don't get how someone can view porn and wank at work. I think you're thinking about this way too much. My hubby looks at porn and I couldn't care less. Perhaps it is a sign of your own insecurities? And I think it's perfectly normal for a man his age to wank and watch porn.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Guys look at porn. Girls look at porn. If you two are enjoying sex together, and it's not replacing your sex life than the only problem I see here, is a communication issue.

    Maybe he lies about it because he thinks you're going to disapprove - you're obviously not a fan of it.

    No matter how much you fuck your boyfriend, he's still going to get horny when you're not around. It says nothing about you, or your skills in the bedroom.

    Porn is such a common thing, it surprises me that people are still shocked when they find out that their SO's watch it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When he says that plastic girls aren't his type, he probably isn't lying. We all want different things from different people, and whilst he might want to look at that type for his porn, he probably means he doesn't like that type in real life. Often, the things we want or think about in our fantasties are different from what we would actually do or want in real life.

    The nly thing that would bug me about porn would be if I felt he was using it instead of me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    When he says that plastic girls aren't his type, he probably isn't lying. We all want different things from different people, and whilst he might want to look at that type for his porn, he probably means he doesn't like that type in real life. Often, the things we want or think about in our fantasties are different from what we would actually do or want in real life.

    The nly thing that would bug me about porn would be if I felt he was using it instead of me.
    Agreed. Fantasy is completely different to real life.

    Why don't you watch porn together? It could be quite a turn on for both of you.

    Also I just wanted to add that personally, my desire to wank is not exactly the same as the desire for sex. So I could be getting plenty of sex and still want to wank. It doesn't mean the sex is no good... I guess it's a habit more than anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    replies

    Hi,

    Thanks for your replies so far just to comment on a few things:

    Fruit Loop - Yes, I am a very insecure person and I know this but this has always been the way in my relationships but I wish it wasn't! I also don't feel porn is wrong nor am I surprised or shocked that he uses it....I just can't work out why I am so upset or bothered. Perhaps more because I feel that I am being replaced/less preferred? But anyway he uses it at work I know this for a fact because he leaves his laptop at work every day and doesnt have the Internet at home, he also has told me he does it at work...he works alone and doesnt really have anything to fill the day apart from messing around online.

    TintedLens - as above for the shock factor, but, it is the replacement thing...although he hasnt looked at porn when I have been going to see him that day or been around (only when im not), I do feel like he isnt really that interested in having sex anymore. So when he says he isnt in the mood at the moment (quite often) it is hurtful to think he is so easily and so often bashing one out quite happily when I am not there!

    Katralla - as above and also, I see what you mean about the difference between reality and fantasy maybe its harder for me to understand because I have never really gone for anyone 'fantasy' that I wouldnt in reality? And I will never understand how a guy can get turned on and be attracted to someone just because their in porn but say they wouldnt fancy them if they were introduced in the pub! ;)

    wooooooooah - thanks for your personal info - it helps - but also about watching it together I dont think I would be adverse to it but I am ashamed to say I am probably far too insecure to be able to cope with seeing him get turned on by others.... I hate that about myself but its true :(



    Its also a good point about the cheating thing - yes if he is watching porn then its a good sign about not being with other women or even messing around online with them, that is a relief of course.

    I guess I still wonder though about why he seems so into his anal porn and yet doesnt seem to bother with me anymore. Guys, do you ever find that when your sleeping with your girlfriend/wife/etc that you are thinking about porn you have watched?

    Thanks x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    abcgirl wrote: »
    So please tell me am I crazy, is he wrong, whats going on?

    Next you'll be telling him that he can't wank when he doesn't see you. Porn is just a vehicle for his wanking activities. Nothing more. It's not like he's emotionally involved.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Teagan wrote: »
    Next you'll be telling him that he can't wank when he doesn't see you. Porn is just a vehicle for his wanking activities. Nothing more. It's not like he's emotionally involved.

    Perhaps a little mean Teagan? Porn can be a confusing issue to get your head around and I think it's great that abcgirl has been able to be so honest here.

    abcgirl, it sounds like you might be torturing yourself a little - e.g. asking the question - "Does he ever think about porn while he's having sex with me?"

    Perhaps think about how you feel if a few guys came back and said: "Yes, actually, I have thought about porn a couple of times during sex." Which is actually very possible and isn't something that everyone would look down on. How is that going to make you feel? Chances are, it's not going to help you to get to the bottom of some of the issues you've discussed here.

    I'm wondering whether rather than thinking about potential negative outcomes it might be worth thinking about more positive steps you can take to feel more secure - for instance you might want to think about ways you can boost your self-esteem in the relationship or perhaps communicate better with your boyfriend about what you're both hoping for in your sex lives.

    I hope this helps a little - keep talking and don't be afraid to confront how you're feeling about all of this. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the bigger issue is that he watches porn at work. Way to get fired.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **helen** wrote: »
    Perhaps a little mean Teagan?

    Aw, Helen, it didn't 'sound' that way in my head when I wrote it. I should have been more careful with the 'inflection'. I didn't intend it to sound 'mean'.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Teagan wrote: »
    Aw, Helen, it didn't 'sound' that way in my head when I wrote it. I should have been more careful with the 'inflection'. I didn't mean it to sound 'mean'.

    That's cool, I think it was just the first bit without hearing it had potential to sound belittling. Oh how I wish I could hear your voice Teagan! :d
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Teagan wrote: »
    Next you'll be telling him that he can't wank when he doesn't see you. Porn is just a vehicle for his wanking activities. Nothing more. It's not like he's emotionally involved.

    I'd like to think what happens when I watch porn is more ethereal and majestic than just 'a wank'. :d
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If what happens when you're watching porn can be described as ethereal, I'd see a doctor quick-smart.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If what happens when you're watching porn can be described as ethereal, I'd see a doctor quick-smart.

    I suspect you're just not doing it right. :razz:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd like to think what happens when I watch porn is more ethereal and majestic than just 'a wank'. :d
    I didn't know I affected you that much, love :p;).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    more replies

    hey guys thanks for the continued answers,

    Teagan - yes it did sound a little abrupt what you said but I know how its hard to write with tone in just words. I do appreciate your comments but I think perhaps your missing my point a little...I am not trying to tell him what he can or cannot do and indeed have not come close to telling him not to watch porn at all...I am just trying to find a way to deal with it in my own head that's all. And having a wank when I am not there isn't an issue its more about doing it when I am talking to him (whilst looking at other women I mean) and about the things he is thinking when he is doing it I guess.

    Helen - Yes you are right, I see what you mean. I am looking for these 'negative outcomes' in the hope that they might reassure me but like you said it is possible people will come back with my worst fear and then what? If it turned out he thought about the porn he watches when having sex with me, well I would feel destroyed because I would feel like he needs to think about porn and other women - and not me - to get off, and that doesnt seem right to me. I dont understand how anyone could truly feel happy and comfortable knowing their partner was thinking about sex with other people whilst having sex with them? If so how and what is the thinking behind it?? I want my boyfriend to be attracted to me, to be turned on by me and for me and my body and sex with me to be enough without him feeling he has to imagine other porn and women at the same time. Note I dont mean he shouldnt use porn when we're not together I am talking here just about thinking of it during sex.

    I know you are right about the self esteem and I know its something I have to work on but I suppose I just dont know how I am ever going to be able to get to a level where I have no problem with knowing my boyfriend wants to fuck another women or is thinking about them whilst with me etc.

    Mist - he owns the company, its just him... no way to get fired!

    ...another day :/

    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    abcgirl wrote: »
    my boyfriend wants to fuck another women or is thinking about them whilst with me etc.

    That's quite a leap.

    Finding someone sexually alluring is a specific context doesn't mean that you'd actually want to fuck them. I may have missed something but has he suggested that he would actually want to have sex with anyone in the porn he watches?

    Also, what makes you think that his mind is on them when he's with you?

    I think what we have here is the Mars/Venue scenario writ large. I think you are reading far more into this situation than is the reality.

    Teagan may have put it badly but the underlying point was, IME, pretty much spot on - "Porn is just a vehicle for his wanking activities." - it doesn't mean he loves you less, or ever wants to meet these women. Generally men are stimulated more by visuals and that is all he's getting.

    Finally you talk about whether you can be happy if he is thinking about these other women whilst he is with you. You are focussing on the wrong part of that sentence IMHO. Instead of focussing on what he might be doing you should focus on the fact that he is with you. That should tell you where his priorities really lie.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Mok,

    I'm not sure I get it :( How can you find someone sexually alluring, get turned on and be able to orgasm through looking at them doing stuff.... but not want to fuck them? Surely if they are capable of getting you turned on like that then you would have a sexual desire towards them?

    He hasnt suggested he would want to have sex with anyone in the porn thats my own conclusion I guess as from the above... but also the fact he searches for certain women's porn makes me think maybe there is a certain attraction there. One of them doesnt even seem that exciting and looking at her, seems his 'type' in real life so :/

    What makes me think his mind is on the porn is that sometimes he doesnt seem that connected with me but also (excuse the detail again here) he seems to habitually do stuff like put fingers in other places etc as if thats the only thing that gets him off... and all the porn he watches is anal related. So I guess I may be thinking if its anal stuff that gets him off and we aren't necessarily doing it perhaps he thinks about it instead? I dont know.. I feel so mixed up really :(

    I agree with you and Teagan in that its a vehicle and doesnt always have meaning I suppose my mind is just battling with that against the fact I know he is searching for specific women... if he was just looking at random videos that had no real connection I would assume its just for a quick visual but its as if more thought has gone into actually finding something to turn him on, and, the fact he does it when he is talking to me and makes excuses like going to the toilet or something while he does....makes me feel like he gets so desperate to do it that he has to lie to me and cut our conversation mid-way just to do it?! I mean if its no big deal why not just wait a bit til later, or do it another time, or whatever I feel like, why can't the guy hold himself back!

    I know he is with me, but generally we havent been as close over the past few months and my insecurity has risen with his, and so this has just topped it off for me really, but I know he is with me but it still doesnt stop me feeling hurt when I think he is wanting other women instead... I honest wish I was one of those girls who didnt care if their men 'looked but didnt touch' but I guess I am a basket case when it comes to relationships!!!!

    And it's not even like I can get professional help easily there seems to be nowhere that takes it seriously except for paid-counselling that I cant afford - grr!!

    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    abcgirl wrote: »
    I'm not sure I get it :( How can you find someone sexually alluring, get turned on and be able to orgasm through looking at them doing stuff.... but not want to fuck them? Surely if they are capable of getting you turned on like that then you would have a sexual desire towards them?

    Problem here is that you are thinking about why you might be interested in porn, but not why he might. You are making some pretty bold assumptions that, IME, are baseless.

    As a generalism, men don't see porn in the way you are portraying here.

    It's about a visual stimulus not an emotional one. It's one of the biggest accusations against the porn industry - that women are just pieces of meat for male pleasure, that it is emotionless and just about an act.

    Sure he'll think the women attractive, but that isn't a reflection on you. He won't be comparing them with you in the same way that you might think he is. His emotional attachment isn't with them, it's with you.

    He might want to re-enact what he sees. However, the bottom line here is that he wants to re-enact it with you not them. He comes home to you.

    I agree that your own insecurities might also be part of the problem you are trying to deal with. You are not alone though this thread and others like it highlight the fact that this is an issue that sits in so many different relationships...
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