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gay and in denial....still!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

This is my first post on these forums. I came here to get your advice on an issue that has been going on with me for a long, long time.

Ever since I was about 13 I realised i was gay. However, I am now 23 and still have not accepted it myself. I have not come out of the closet and in fact i am pretending to the whole world that I am straight. I am finding this incredibly hard to do and it has caused me great depression.

I want so badly to be straight that I have had a string of girlfriends which havent lasted very long...three months on average. I feel very uncomfortable being romantic and close to girls, thats probably why my relationships with them dont last very long at all. Another reason why I have a girlfriend is to throw people off guard and to keep my secret. I know how wrong this is for me to do to the girl and it pains me everyday to be so deceitful.

The main reason why I cannot accept myself being gay is because of my religious beliefs. I am Catholic and believe that homosexuality is wrong. My parents brought me up to be told that being gay is a sin. Even if it really isnt a sin, I will always think it is. My family are very conservative and everyone is asking whem im going to settle down and get married and have kids...which is all what i want so badly - only I am finding it incredibly hard being with a girl. Should I break up with her? She is a really sweet, nice girl and it will leave her heartbroken i know it.

What should I do? This has been going on for far too long and as each year passes, I feel worse and more depressed. I have not seen a psychiatrist or and councelling as I cannot speak about it to someone as i find it hard to say it to myself.

What should I do? I am so confused!!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey busesandtrains! Welcome.

    Well, so religion does it again. It makes irrational demands on us and reduces people into a state of self-loathing. Nice!

    I was more or less in the same position as you but in the end, I had to take a long look at my beliefs while finding out more about scientific and biological advances - and found my religious beliefs were severely wanting.

    There is a statement, 'born a Catholic, die a Catholic'. People born into Catholicism, as with many forms of religion, very rarely stray from their 'hereditary beliefs' because of the impact on their families and other social concerns. No one wants to be ostracised by their family or friends and it seems that homosexuality is the worst thing that you could ever be in their eyes.

    But actually, it is okay to question your beliefs or, at least, the way that the Bible is presented by organised religion. Apart from homosexuality, the Bible has been misrepresented in so many awful ways during history and this has led to the countless deaths of millions of innocent people. Beware of Biblical interpretation, I say.

    Sin within heterosexual sex is mentioned many, many more times in the Bible than what homosexuality ever is - and yet 'Christian' society seems so fixated on the 'sins' of gay people. Most of this condemnation is drawn from the Old Testament and while Christians will happily shove passages from Leviticus in your face for being 'gay', they will conveniently ignore other Old Testament commandments :

    As a heterosexual, you will also be going to hell if you :

    * eat fruit from a tree less than five years old. [Lev. 19:23]
    * cross-breed animals. [Lev. 19:19]
    * grow two different plants in your garden. [Lev. 19:19]
    * read your horoscope. [Lev. 19:26]
    * consult a psychic. [Lev. 19:31]
    * cut your hair. [Lev. 19:27]
    * trim your beard. [Lev. 19:27]
    * are tatooed. [Lev. 19:28]
    * plant crops for more than seven years. [Lev. 25:4, Ex. 23:10-13]
    * bear a grudge. [Lev. 19:17]
    * collect interest on a loan. [Ex. 22:24]
    * insult a leader. [Ex. 22:27]
    * mistreat a foreigner. [Ex. 22:21, 23:9]
    * spread false rumours. [Ex. 23:1]

    ... and this list isn't even exhaustive.

    When I finally did come to the realisation that I was born the way that I am and that the forces of nature had more to do with my sexuality than some demonic oppression, I then informed my family and friends of my sexuality. I felt so liberated. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could at last be the person I really am, devoid of guilt about being gay, and be true to myself.

    It's very hard to come up with a definitive reply to your current position because this transformation, if you open your eyes to what you think that you currently believe in, it can take days, weeks, months or even years to be realised - depending on your will to be open-minded.

    Regarding your current girlfriend (if I read that correctly), you should indeed break up with her. You will never lose these homosexual feelings and I would bet money on it that one day, if not soon, you will cheat on her with another man. A woman just cannot give you the physical and emotional fulfilment that your soul craves. She will wonder why you don't touch her any more and will think that you don't love her - or even perhaps think that you may be seeing another woman. And if she found out then that you were gay, perhaps after having a few children together, it will likely devastate her. All those years with a man that KNEW he was gay - but he allowed her to waste her life with someone that could never truly love her as she deserved to be loved. This is not all about you after all. You are dealing with the life and emotions of a fragile human being who deserves better.

    Sure, go and see a psychiatrist or seek counselling, if you like - but don't expect it to make your sexual tendencies to go away. You are what you are. It may well be that they can help organise your thoughts but be prepared to be honest with yourself as to who and what you are. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Teagan wrote: »
    Hey busesandtrains! Welcome.

    Well, so religion does it again. It makes irrational demands on us and reduces people into a state of self-loathing. Nice!

    I was more or less in the same position as you but in the end, I had to take a long look at my beliefs while finding out more about scientific and biological advances - and found my religious beliefs were severely wanting.

    There is a statement, 'born a Catholic, die a Catholic'. People born into Catholicism, as with many forms of religion, very rarely stray from their 'hereditary beliefs' because of the impact on their families and other social concerns. No one wants to be ostracised by their family or friends and it seems that homosexuality is the worst thing that you could ever be in their eyes.

    But actually, it is okay to question your beliefs or, at least, the way that the Bible is presented by organised religion. Apart from homosexuality, the Bible has been misrepresented in so many awful ways during history and this has led to the countless deaths of millions of innocent people. Beware of Biblical interpretation, I say.

    Sin within heterosexual sex is mentioned many, many more times in the Bible than what homosexuality ever is - and yet 'Christian' society seems so fixated on the 'sins' of gay people. Most of this condemnation is drawn from the Old Testament and while Christians will happily shove passages from Leviticus in your face for being 'gay', they will conveniently ignore other Old Testament commandments :

    As a heterosexual, you will also be going to hell if you :

    * eat fruit from a tree less than five years old. [Lev. 19:23]
    * cross-breed animals. [Lev. 19:19]
    * grow two different plants in your garden. [Lev. 19:19]
    * read your horoscope. [Lev. 19:26]
    * consult a psychic. [Lev. 19:31]
    * cut your hair. [Lev. 19:27]
    * trim your beard. [Lev. 19:27]
    * are tatooed. [Lev. 19:28]
    * plant crops for more than seven years. [Lev. 25:4, Ex. 23:10-13]
    * bear a grudge. [Lev. 19:17]
    * collect interest on a loan. [Ex. 22:24]
    * insult a leader. [Ex. 22:27]
    * mistreat a foreigner. [Ex. 22:21, 23:9]
    * spread false rumours. [Ex. 23:1]

    ... and this list isn't even exhaustive.

    When I finally did come to the realisation that I was born the way that I am and that the forces of nature had more to do with my sexuality than some demonic oppression, I then informed my family and friends of my sexuality. I felt so liberated. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I could at last be the person I really am, devoid of guilt about being gay, and be true to myself.

    It's very hard to come up with a definitive reply to your current position because this transformation, if you open your eyes to what you think that you currently believe in, it can take days, weeks, months or even years to be realised - depending on your will to be open-minded.

    Regarding your current girlfriend (if I read that correctly), you should indeed break up with her. You will never lose these homosexual feelings and I would bet money on it that one day, if not soon, you will cheat on her with another man. A woman just cannot give you the physical and emotional fulfilment that your soul craves. She will wonder why you don't touch her any more and will think that you don't love her - or even perhaps think that you may be seeing another woman. And if she found out then that you were gay, perhaps after having a few children together, it will likely devastate her. All those years with a man that KNEW he was gay - but he allowed her to waste her life with someone that could never truly love her as she deserved to be loved. This is not all about you after all. You are dealing with the life and emotions of a fragile human being who deserves better.

    Sure, go and see a psychiatrist or seek counselling, if you like - but don't expect it to make your sexual tendencies to go away. You are what you are. It may well be that they can help organise your thoughts but be prepared to be honest with yourself as to who and what you are. :)
    Thanks for your detailed and thoughtful reply!

    While I am a catholic, I do believe and agree with all the points you mentioned about the bible. The problem is I am finding it hard to stray away from my current opinions about it eventhough I know there is a good chance they are wrong.

    What is even more painful is that I have got an innocent girl involved with my problem who doesn't deserve to be in this position (even if she doesnt know about it) but yeah I second your thoughts...I am just finding it hard to accept them.

    Cheers
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The problem is I am finding it hard to stray away from my current opinions about it eventhough I know there is a good chance they are wrong.

    I understand what you mean. Having a faith in God is much like using the handrail on a swaying bridge. It takes an awful lot of self-belief to just let it go and walk over it on your own, even though you know that it's possibly irrational to think that you will fall over. Cutting that tie which has bound you for all your life is a huge personal step. In my personal experience, I found that I wasn't left frantically dangling, but in fact, had a deeper wonder for the world, nature, life and my fellow human beings. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It never fails to amaze me that the modern church can be so intolerable, its the cause of so much heartache and bitterness in individuals and families its just not true.
    I have already been informed that i am going to straight to hell by one so called caring christian.
    Love yourself, love your neighbour, help those who need help along your way and always be kind, if thats not enough to earn the love of God then i for one am not interested.
    If you are ever going to be really happy then you have to accept yourself how you do that i don't know maybe you need to get some counselling or just talk to others who have been through this already.
    I can't believe god will turn against you for loving another person, the biggest gift he gave us is love so make sure you use it :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Likes Teagan's replies, POTW in abridged form?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the responses...they have been great! I would still like to hear what other posters have to say :)

    Thanks
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There are loads of gay Christians out there, at London Pride there were 110 of us just in the march.

    If you wanted to talk to other Catholics, the groups to contact are Quest, or Soho Masses, if you're London based.

    I will reply more fully in time I'm just in the middle of things a little bit, but if you want to PM me feel free. I'm student clergy and in a gay relationship so I know a bit about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And that was just the ones that chose to out themselves as Christian
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    And that was just the ones that chose to out themselves as Christian
    I've always found that harder than being outed as queer, anyway....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    Likes Teagan's replies, POTW in abridged form?

    you beat me to it!

    teagan great post :) really interesting read too
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