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friend with benefits

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm not really sure what to do about my current situation, I have a male friend who i occasionaly go to spend some time with, when i stay over we sleep in the same bed, we have sex, we flirt and play fight etc.

At first I knew he wasnt looking for a relationship which suited me perfectly, but then his behaviour suggested otherwise and i kinda liked the idea, then he had a word with me just to be sure I wasnt expecting it to turn into something more as he wasnt looking for a relationship yet. This works for me as I dont have the time to devote to a boyfriend at the moment, but I know that fuckbuddies dont really work, someone always ends up getting hurt. I like the guy a lot, we speak every day, but i cant figure out if its worth sticking with or if im gona get hurt somewhere down the line.

I thought to myself maybe I shouldnt go see him so much anymore, but then he offers to come see me and i cant resist, I love his company. I dont want to loose a close friend but then im concerned i may end up heartbroken.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome, I've never been in this situation before so not a clue what to do.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    With fuck buddies, you need clear boundaries. They should be acquaintances you sleep with, and no more. This may make me sound like a bitch, but when I do the fuck buddy thing I make sure it is a very finite arrangement of no more than a few months, and then it stops. Because sooner or later, one of you WILL develop feelings for the other, and more than likely you will get hurt too.

    Trouble is, this guy was a friend to you first, and I'm sorry but in my opinion you can't keep your feelings of plutonic love from taking that natural step into romantic ones. I think you need to stop sleeping with him while you can keep the part of your relationship you truly value intact: his company. You never know, things may evolve romantically from there
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like your feelings have gone further than just fuck buddies. If you really do like the guy and think there's any chance making a relationship work, then I'd ask him if he's up for it, but be prepared for him to say no and for you to walk away.

    Like Evenstar says, these type of relationships are most often tricky.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    It sounds like your feelings have gone further than just fuck buddies. If you really do like the guy and think there's any chance making a relationship work, then I'd ask him if he's up for it, but be prepared for him to say no and for you to walk away.

    Like Evenstar says, these type of relationships are most often tricky.

    :yes: it's really important to be honest with yourself about how you're feeling and to be open with this guy too. I think TheSite.org's article on fuck buddies hits the nail on the head.

    When you've become close enough to a good friend to be intimate with them, that's often a sign that the person is special to you and perhaps worth holding onto a good mate beyond a 'friends with benefits' scenario. Often these situations aren't sustainable and so it's great that you're thinking about protecting yourself before it all gets too much.

    Good luck and let us know how you get on. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know already that i have feelings for him, but like i said i cant do a relationship right now, but i still in a sense feel rejected in some way, and am wondering what if someone else comes along for him?

    i just got confused by him, the first time i went to see him i was only expecting sex and to spend an evening together, it was him who asked if he could have me the night and i was shocked when he kissed me goodbye the next morning. I tend to keep my distance and not be touchy feely, but he offered to cuddle me in bed and was resting his hand on my inside leg when we watched tv, said i could put my leg between his to be comfey on the couch etc. This weekend he cooked dinner and breakfast, i guess im just enjoying the attention when iv been out of a relationship so long.

    I guess I'll wait and see what happens, ill make no special effort and just expect the worst. Best policy right?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the fuck buddy situation can be a real minefield. Super147 made a comment about it once which I thought was awesome:
    super147 wrote: »
    It's hard to have a completely no string setup and not be the least bit put out when someone doesn't act interested to the level that we want. Even if we don't need a relationship we still all need validation to a point.

    This made me think, nail on head. I had a friends with benefits situation with one of my friends for a while and it got messy and caused me loads of upset, and I think the main reason was that even though I didn't want to be his girlfriend, I still felt rejected when he didn't want to sleep with me. Either because he was sleeping with someone else, or because he was doing other stuff - it just made me feel bad and insecure.

    So even when you are clear about the boundaries and they are acquaintances you sleep with and nothing else, you can still find yourself feeling hurt and miserable when they, for whatever reason, don't want to sleep with you. With my fuck buddy, I wanted it to be no-strings - but I still wanted it to be ongoing, rather than a one-off every now and then. So I would get my hopes up when I had free time, and invite him over and if he wasn't up for it for whatever reason then I felt pretty rubbish. Which was especially confusing given that I knew I didn't want to be his girlfriend!

    I think you have to be very, very self-confident, self-sufficient and secure to cope well with the idea of completely no strings sex. It sounds great in theory, but in practice, it can leave you feeling pretty miserable, if you're not confident and secure enough to feel good about yourself without them wanting to shag you. It can be done, but I'm no good at it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have three fuck buddies, I've known them for years and we don't get messy with it. We're good friends who sometimes have sex, and sometimes don't. We never booty call each other though, we just hang out, and if we have sex we do, but just as friends. One of them got a girlfriend for a couple of years, and we stayed good friends during that time and just didn't have sex.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    I have three fuck buddies, I've known them for years and we don't get messy with it. We're good friends who sometimes have sex, and sometimes don't. We never booty call each other though, we just hang out, and if we have sex we do, but just as friends. One of them got a girlfriend for a couple of years, and we stayed good friends during that time and just didn't have sex.

    I've made a thread about this yonks ago and I find this attitude fantastic. Most girls are just not in for it, tho. Never met one at least.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mine aren't really fuck buddies though as I think of us as just friends. I just happen to sometimes have sex with my friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yea, I gathered that much. The thread was being called "sex with friends", so not people you get to know to have sex, but people you know and like and having sex with them. I was never befriended to a girl who would even remotely have this attitude.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    see that would have suited me perfectly, im used to guys being interested and chasing after me and i just wanted to get certain urges out of my system without any complications, what a bad idea that was :/
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeh I'm going to have to stop. Friday night he invited me over, I jumped at the chance. Got there at 2am, spent sat feeling like there's something there between us, woke up this morning wondering what the hell im doing, was quiet, not so playful and left asap without seeming too off, blamed it on not feeling too good, not entirely a lie as wasnt feeling too good anyway.

    I've already distanced myself from him, not sat close on the couch or kissed him goodbye. Or even answered his call when i got home. Its easy to do these things, but he just doesnt help. I've got excuses ready for the next time he asks. Still going to be difficult though, we speak everyday, love talking to him, hopefully I wont loose the friendship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Evenstar wrote: »
    With fuck buddies, you need clear boundaries. They should be acquaintances you sleep with, and no more.

    I can't stress how important what Evenstar has said! I've had it happen to me 3 times now... (not to sound like a slag) But some of my previous 'friends' have all had feelings for me and wanted to go further, yet I make it very clear I'm not looking for a relationship - Shit still happens ey?

    You want to try put it in a friendly way.... not too rude! Good luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    set boundaries and don't fall in love with him (if you don't see him in that way).

    It's not being facetious, it readily happens.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've recently found out he's looking up someone else, and im quite confused by it all. I dont think he's ever met this girl, only checking her out online, hoping to get a bit of a show out of her. I'm feeling quite dissapointed.

    I dont know if he's had any recent contact with her, and the past two weekends iv spent with him which was his offer. I've labeled him a player to his face and he was quite offended even though it was always a joke.

    I guess I kinda secretly hoped there was something for us down the line, just neither of us were looking for comitment in any form yet. I'm not overly jealous i dont think, but im having doubts. I've met one of his parents and some friends, he always makes an effort with me, i thought it put a positive spin on things but now im thinking of stopping contact again, i dont want to, but for my own good. Perhaps ill feel better if its on my terms as im expecting it to end via him. :(
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