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Less than liberal flatmates?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
This may sound silly, but I feel a bit awkward about my living situation...

My flatmates can be quite vocal about politics (Margaret Thatcher was the best thing to happen to the UK, hippies suck and Boris Johnson is great lol... I don't really argue because I like to be private)... Granted, each to their own, but something came up recently which made me a bit embarrassed.

We were looking for a new flatmate and jokingly, I said no emos and the other guy said no northerners... Then a female flatmate said no blacks...

I thought she was being a joker, but it turns out she doesn't want to live with non-white people at all! And another flatmate is backing her up on that :no:

I was speaking to the other flatmate and she also doesn't want to live with a man who is gay... I don't know if this is a living with a man thing, or a gay thing... I don't know if she's stirring or if it's true.

But with my sexuality (I often fancy women) I feel uncomfortable. Sounds daft, but I do...

I am paying off debt until around February, after which I am thinking, if I have to stay in London, I'll move house again...

I normally think racist people are just a bit stupid tbh, but I have to keep everything I do quiet and now feel I can't have mates around as a few of them are non-white, or gay!

Am I justified in feeling uncomfortable?

I am just thinking fuck it... I'll live my own life and whatever, but I know they have asked people to leave before, due to differences.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes you are legitimately uncomfortable. You do not need to live with just people who have the same opinion as you, it could even be boring. But sharing a place with uninformed, prejudgmental bigots is something I would not want either.

    I have never met a racist who was really able to back his views up, nevertheless you can never convince them that their views and fears are baseless. They just dislike blacks and gays how somebody else likes the colour blue, or likes long walks on the beach.

    So if you have no other choice, stick with them, as long as they are not unsocial (as in eating your food away) or messy, or whatever, but I would not feel good living and sharing with them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well one apparently had a crime committed against her by a black person (she's Afrikaan but doesn't like her people or what they did) and that's probably where her prejudice came from.

    But still... I don't really get it.

    Like she's not an aggressive or abusive person... She's neurotic about cleaning and stuff, but that's it... Otherwise, she's real nice... I just don't get the racism (I dunno how true the homophobia is as I haven't heard it from her directly).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I couldn't live with them. Do you have any choice? I'm guessing moving is out of the question? It's the kind of thing I would have to argue with people about but, if you're not confrontational, which I can completely understand... that would just make life akward. Iw ould invite your friends over anyway, and just warn them what your flatmates' opinions are - they can't actually stop you bringing blacks and gays round - it might just turn the tables on them and make it THEM who feel uncomfortable.

    but... I dunno
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I brought a black friend around before and she liked him (my mate reckons she wanted to buy him j/k lol)...

    This is what I don't get...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No you are right to feel uncomfortable these people are ignorant bigots and in my experiance the type who tend to bully.
    How often i have sat and listened to mindless vicous bigots spouting their vile poison and wished i had the balls to stand up and tell them what i think, sadly i am not brave enough or very good at standing my ground.
    Its difficult for you of course as its your home , i am sure when you feel the time is right you will move on and be able to put these people behind you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Your flatmates sound like something out of a TV sitcom. They sound immature rather than bigoted, and I couldn't take people like that seriously. I'll bet it's a group thing and that, in fact, each of them has at least one black / gay / northern friend. From what little I know of you from other threads, I feel that if they were really right-wing racist bigots, you would have sussed them immediately and never moved in in the first place.

    I doubt that they see their comments about preferences for flatmates as racist or bigoted. After all you can be friends with people who you wouldn't necessarily want to live with, however well you know them. They probably don't realise that they are being offensive. At worst, I think they are just stereotyping people. They are probably worried about the smell of fags, beer and chip fat or West Indian cooking or "promiscuous" gay sex in the living room :lol: . You could try poking fun at them to see what their objections really are. (What's wrong with emos btw ;) ?)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh my god. you live in london right?

    you are fully within your rights to take the piss out of their ignorence. or just to stir things up a little more, say you dont want another white person in the flat. or straights. or those that call eachother 'hun'. football fans too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you are fully within your rights to take the piss out of their ignorence. or just to stir things up a little more, say you dont want another white person in the flat. or straights. or those that call eachother 'hun'. football fans too.

    Because that's really a recipe for domestic bliss. Fight fire with fire eh?

    You're perfectly within your rights to feel uncomfortable, hell, I, as well as any other sane person, would also feel the same. But shoving their ignorance in their face is not going to help matters.

    So ask them about it, get them to explain their views; you may find there's slightly more than meets the eye. However, diverting the Pride parade through your front room to highlight their bigotry will only make things worse and, in my mind at least, will make you look no better than them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i would hardly call showing how absurd their behaviour is with a few silly examples, 'fire'.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    I couldn't live with them. Do you have any choice? I'm guessing moving is out of the question? It's the kind of thing I would have to argue with people about but, if you're not confrontational, which I can completely understand... that would just make life akward. Iw ould invite your friends over anyway, and just warn them what your flatmates' opinions are - they can't actually stop you bringing blacks and gays round - it might just turn the tables on them and make it THEM who feel uncomfortable.

    but... I dunno

    just read this, i wouldnt even 'warn' them. it's their problem and issue if you can even call it that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    or just to stir things up a little more

    I refer you again to my domestic bliss comment. I'm not sure how you like to live with others with whom you don't see eye to eye, but in my experience, "stirring things up" doesn't equate to a pleasant domestic situation. But hey, means to an end, yeah?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Meh... I guess their prejudices are their own...

    If I wanna have a mate over, they'll just have to deal... Obviously, no inter-racial orgies in the front room. LOL
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I refer you again to my domestic bliss comment. I'm not sure how you like to live with others with whom you don't see eye to eye, but in my experience, "stirring things up" doesn't equate to a pleasant domestic situation. But hey, means to an end, yeah?

    i've had plenty of experience of living with others whom i dont see eye to eye with. and in my experience speaking up rather than condoning the behaviour of others makes for a more pleasant atmosphere. this is how i respond to intolerant views and casual racism and it's served me pretty well. i dont think any of those comments are gonna warrant a household war otherwise i wouldnt have suggested them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just read this, i wouldnt even 'warn' them. it's their problem and issue if you can even call it that.

    I mean warn the black/gay friends. Not that they need warning, they have probably had that many toxic interactions in their life by the time they're adult that they have their guard up anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i've had plenty of experience of living with others whom i dont see eye to eye with. and in my experience speaking up rather than condoning the behaviour of others makes for a more pleasant atmosphere. this is how i respond to intolerant views and casual racism and it's served me pretty well. i dont think any of those comments are gonna warrant a household war otherwise i wouldnt have suggested them.

    I'm inclined to agree. Namaste doesn't say how long she has lived with these people but, up until these comments, it seems that the atmosphere has been more or less harmonious - despite differing political views. I think it is a bit harsh to start labelling her flatmates as racist bigots on the basis of who they might or might not want to actually share a flat with. As I have said before, their preferences are probably based on ill-informed stereotypes. If you delved a little, you would probably get them to admit that they have plenty of friends between them who don't fit those stereotypes. Inviting black friends round has never been an issue, so it shouldn't be one now.

    I'm guessing that what is really upsetting Namaste is the "no gays" comment, as her flatmates don't know about her sexuality. That is the bit that I would find most difficult about the situation, and the thing most likely to make me consider moving. It is a pity, because I am sure the person who made the remark would not have dreamed of deliberately hurting her feelings, but I concede that it might now be difficult to raise the subject with them. :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    I mean warn the black/gay friends. Not that they need warning, they have probably had that many toxic interactions in their life by the time they're adult that they have their guard up anyway.

    oh yeah, whoops
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm inclined to agree. Namaste doesn't say how long she has lived with these people but, up until these comments, it seems that the atmosphere has been more or less harmonious - despite differing political views. I think it is a bit harsh to start labelling her flatmates as racist bigots on the basis of who they might or might not want to actually share a flat with. As I have said before, their preferences are probably based on ill-informed stereotypes. If you delved a little, you would probably get them to admit that they have plenty of friends between them who don't fit those stereotypes. Inviting black friends round has never been an issue, so it shouldn't be one now.

    I'm guessing that what is really upsetting Namaste is the "no gays" comment, as her flatmates don't know about her sexuality. That is the bit that I would find most difficult about the situation, and the thing most likely to make me consider moving. It is a pity, because I am sure the person who made the remark would not have dreamed of deliberately hurting her feelings, but I concede that it might now be difficult to raise the subject with them. :(

    So, 'casual' racism won't be hurtful because namaste is white, but 'casual' homophobia would be?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well... I'm gonna have debts paid off by the new year (I hope!), so I can look to moving out... Tbh, they're sometimes acting a bit cliquey and slag off our male flatmate almost every day (plus other people). It's not the nicest atmosphere and I am sure if they cuss so many other people, they'll turn on me if they haven't already...

    I am sick of living with people like this in London (but then am planning on leaving this city the second I can), or living with controlling people. I hope one day I can afford my own place!

    I may start looking at bedsits for a while.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I want to live in a semi-commune type environment, never going to happen but I think it would be good. Like somewhere where you have your own space but also a lot of communal space too, with like minded people.

    My Dad lived communally when he was younger, it's in my blood.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    I want to live in a semi-commune type environment, never going to happen but I think it would be good. Like somewhere where you have your own space but also a lot of communal space too, with like minded people.

    My Dad lived communally when he was younger, it's in my blood.
    Yeah, I'd love that too... But wanted to build that in the previous place, though it completely crashed! Though when one girl moved in, we cooked and chilled together every day.

    I'd like an earthy type commune, with chilled out liberal people, who enjoy spending time chatting, listening to music and having friends over.

    Wanna start a commune Katralla? :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    can i come too?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We would probably need to have different communes tbh, though we could have them next to each other and share parties and things.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    So, 'casual' racism won't be hurtful because namaste is white, but 'casual' homophobia would be?

    Ouch! :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think whilst racism is looked down on a lot in contemporary society, people are different. some are not as liberal/tolerant as others are.

    I think basically ignore others who hold views/beliefs you don't like.

    I think Thatcher did some good, does this make me worse than Stalin? :crazyeyes :hyper:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The flay hasn't been so harmonious as the flatmates have ganged up on the other guy and seem to spend every waking hour slagging him off... Dunno why as he hasn't done anything. I don't know if he knows they talk him down, they probably do it to me as they're quite bitchy.

    I am paying off my overdraft, then leaving.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good plan.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is weird because I talked to the one who the other said was homophobic and she was talking about how she has all these gay mates...

    I wonder if somebody has been telling porkies
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How bizarre. What would the flatmate gain by saying another one was homophobic?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just lately i have discovered that some people are rather weak willed and they will actually say , do or have the same opinion as the person they are in awe off at any particular time, maybe these people are worse than the ones who actually hold a firm belief even if that belief is in something awful.
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