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Long distancers?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm in a new(ish) L.D. relationship and I find it very trying sometimes, I miss him and it bugs me that he works so much. Is anybody here in a long distance relationship? Or in the past? How do/did you make it work?
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Hey Even
My advice for LDRs always remains the same, and I've been in one myself. The advice might alter slightly depending on the circumstances of the LDR, as in if you were together in the same place but one of you had to move away, or if you've never been together in the same place yet (for an extended period).
The basic advice is the same though. You need to have a goal and a realistic plan of achieving that goal, with timescales applied. When you are drifting along and never getting any closer then an LDR is very frustrating. If you are both moving towards a common and defined point in time that you will be together then you don't feel so adrift. You need to work out the how and the when of you and him being in the same place. And you need to be building towards that as you go along. Things to think about would naturally include who can best move to who, what will that person do for income, where will you both live, does that person need to job seek, how long can you both manage until they find work, etc etc. Plan, and plan and plan. Being goal driven really is massive.
Apart from your plan of action, make time for each other on the phone or online but don't go into overkill. Forced conversations are a real soul killer. And there simply isn't enough happening every single day of your life to allow long conversations each day. Some days just have short 10 minute convos to check in with each other and be together. Other days have longer convos. And some days maybe just have a break. That helps to keep the conversations fresh. Send each other photos, random ones, just to keep yourselves in each others minds. Maybe send little videos of each other, or voice clips.
Perhaps also find a common online interest like a game or something that you can play together. So you can spend time together doing an activity rather than just talking.
The core is the plan though, you have to be able to see the finish line and to feel like you're moving towards it. Otherwise you're just chasing the horizon and that is frustrating as hell.
Just my thoughts on the matter, I hope some of them help
First thing to say is that you both need to be willing to put the effort in a relationship. Its probably harder work than one where you live just round the corner cos you cant pop round his house to see him or check with frinds and family if you havent heard for a while. Keeping regular contact is also important, once a day, even if its just a little text.
I know how hard it is when you miss him so much, most of my relationship with my ex, i didnt even know when i would see him again. Making an effort to schedule meet ups (and make them fair, so that one of you isnt always doing the visiting) will give you something to look forward to.
And get a webcam so you can have long chats online and still see each other.
I know its hard but if he's worth it, you'll make it work, no matter what
It was frustrating sometimes, but it worked and wasn't as hellish as you might think. Whilst with a new relationship you won't necessarily having your eye on super147's goal of living together, it's great to be able to think ahead to your next visit (whether it's next week or next month) and whilst I don't think you have to speak to each other every day (we certainly didn't) you need to keep contact at a such a level that neither of you feels neglected.
Yep - phonecalls, texts, messenger conversations and webcams all help, but the most important thing in a LDR is trust. You need to be able to not worry about what the other person is doing.
Good luck. I'm not sure I'd have predicted at the start that 9 years on we'd be engaged, but here we are
One of the most difficult things is not being able to meet up on a whim, 'cos we book train tickets months in advance so it's not massively expensive. It just means we have to plan things a bit more carefully, and try to set aside plenty of time to talk properly. We also have webcams which is better than just talking on the phone.
There are difficult times, especially if we fight, as we can't just meet up and be okay straight away. It's always fine when we're together, but sometimes a bit more stressful when apart. It's definitely possible but it does require a lot of effort - I wouldn't do it with anyone I wasn't serious about.
If he gets the job he is applying for today he will be on a six week training course a few hundred miles away, and I'm happy to go and see him, but I can't afford for it to be as often as he's been coming to me. And after that he will be abroad a lot more than he is now.
Trouble is, I think I'm falling in love with him, but I also think his job will always come first. I don't know how to cope :no:
Oh, what's happened? *hug*
helpful. thanks. especially considering i think it just ended. and i'm in love with him.
Ultimately I'm settling for seeing him 12 hours once a week and a ten minute phone call every day (if I'm lucky). I think I deserve more, but I want him. I'm torn in two.
I tried to end it, but he wants to come to see me tomorrow to talk things out. If I see him I know I'll cave.
But, then again, they can sometimes work. It just depends on the people I think, and if you really want it to work I think it can
Good luck evenstar
Xx
The next day at breakfast and got down to the inevitable topic of what to do if he had got the job. We decided that there wouldn't be the space for a relationship if he got it, that I'd be unhappy being apart from him for so long, and he'd feel guilty that he couldn't be there. But if he didn't get it, he would have more time for me than he does now, and could think about moving his career in a way that might facilitate a relationship that wasn't long distance, and one day even a family. It seemed so tangible. I cried when he dropped me at my friend's house later. Did you guess? Six hours later he got the job.
no, that's bad
Oh im sorry
So what does that mean then?
pretty much. its gunna be a fun birthday this year :yippe: :crying: