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down moment!!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am at the moment on my depressed stage!! i really cannot wait until i get to go see that phycologist!! to sort this thing out!!

At the moment i actually feel like just hurting myself which i have started doing again after 2 and a half years i am soo gutted and dispointed in myself for relapsing!!

I found out this weekend that while i was growing up my dad knew i was self harming, and asked me a question which was do you know how it feels when you child self harms and its because of you?...i just walked off because if i hadnt i would have hit him. How can he have known all them years and done nothing to help me!! and left me to suffer even now into my adulthood.

and everyone wonders why i am so fucked up!!

just ranting again ignore me

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey :)

    Don't be disappointed in relapsing, you done really well for stopping for 2 and a half years. Its frustrating but you know its possible to stop again and seeing the phycologist will help.

    Parents are confusing! I am sure my mum knows i used to do it but she has never brought it up apart from briefly in an argument. Its a really touchy subject and it would be hard for any parent to deal with let alone bring the subject up. What he probably meant by his question was that he felt helpless, and he didn't know how to help and that he didn't do anything. Its tough but don't let it get to you.

    This place is great for ranting anytime you need to. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I also relapsed into self harm, in terms of a particular form of self harm, after a 10 year gap. If you have used it as a coping mechanism in the past then you retain a susceptibility to it, that is unless you have properly confronted it and eliminated it (counselling, etc). Then again, when I actually thought about it I'd always self harmed in one for or another. Even if it wasn't cutting it was something else. So my 'clean' period really hadn't been as clean as I perhaps thought.

    Don't feel hard on yourself if you relapse. You are not expected to have had some miraculous leap into wellness. Be proud of the time you spent without self harming, and focus on keeping free of it going forward. One lapse doesn't erase over 2yrs of good work.

    As for parents, my parents were acutely aware of a lot of my issues including my self harm and did nothing to help. Far from it, they actually moved abroad and left me on my own from my mid teens. They chose the 'bury your head in the sand' method, possibly because they'd rather not face the fact that they had an unhappy child. Whatever their reasons it has resulted in a very weak bond between me and them. If there is even a bond left. I guess you have to remember at times that parents don't have a manual for this kind of thing. They will often try to ignore it and hope that it is just a 'phase'.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    super147 i am sorry to hear you have had a tuff time with your parents.

    I think its not that fact he ignored it..he had a girlfriend (who is now an ex) who he always seemed to please at the expense of hurting me. So i now feel he just ignored it not because of her and thats what gets me mad..he always did it he would leave me to cook my own tea and watch my own cloths so he could go out with her. He wasnt always a bad dad when i was younger he would take me to the cinema or shopping out for meals. But when she came along it all changed he would give me money at christmas and tell me to go and buy my own gifts. He never really tried to be a dad when she came along. And once they was drunk they would argue and phyically fight in front of me and i was about 11 when it all started and he carried on for 10 years so i was sooo trapped. When i was 19 i moved out because of his anger and he has told me he knows i did it because of his anger. He has a new girlfriend now and she is the most kindest person i have ever meet she is soo nice i just wish he meet her before his ex!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there :)

    Do you know how long it will be before you get to see the psychologist? Also did your GP refer you to a psychiatrist as well a psychologist?

    Regarding the self-harm as both the previous posters have already said please try not to beat yourself up 2 and half years is an incredible achievement and you should be proud of yourself. Remember just because you have relented and self-harmed recently still doesn’t mean that you have automatically slipped back into old habits, try and see them as ‘episodes’ where you have self-harmed rather than seeing ‘yourself’ as a self-harmer.
    Was there anything specific that you did in those 2 and half years that helped?

    As for your Father’s reaction I think it was more about him caring and not being able to show it, than not. As his statement/question implies that he blames himself and is perhaps struggling with his own guilt (although I can understand that, that still doesn't make things any easier for you!).

    Keep talking *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As for your Father’s reaction I think it was more about him caring and not being able to show it, than not.

    :yes:

    i think a lot of the time parents say and do what we consider to be the wrong thing because they don't know what the right thing is. maybe he didn't know what to do when he found out you were self-harming so he tried to ignore it or pretend he didn't know, and carried on as normal? maybe he didn't want to believe it? i'm only guessing of course but i think that parents can be so shocked and upset when their children are hurting that they react in ways which might not be the most helpful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry i was meant to say a phyciatrist (sorry about the spelling) i dont know how long that will take.

    I am just ranting because if being angry i know you are all right he probs didnt know what to do or say so he thought maybe he berried his head in the sand but it still makes me mad!.

    Thank you for your adivce xx
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