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a bit of a disappointment

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
i mentioned in the happy thread a few times how excited i was at the prospect of moving to derry in n ireland with my boyfriend, we were going to live with his dad in his lovely house. i was really excited about it because it just seemed like a fresh start, slightly scary but i was prepared to move to a different country and make new friends. i've recently just come back from spending the week there, i had lined up an interview for volunteering at the verbal arts centre which went really well. i even managed to get chatting to a girl at a pub and made a potential friends with her, she asked if next time i was over i fancied going to one of her gymnastics classes and meeting people. i made a real conscientious effort to bond and gel well with his family and his friends that i met.

this all seemed perfect following an up and down year with my boyfriend where he had some mental health problems after being suspended from a university whilst he was on a pgce course. the mental health problems are no where near completely sorted but my boyfriend seemed a lot happier and healthier at home in derry and i felt better knowing there were family and friends around to keep an eye on him. to keep it brief, whilst he was on this teacher training course back in england and more so when he was suspended he was pretty isolated and unhappy as well as lonely.

while i was in derry recently for the week, towards the end of it. the university got in touch and from what i can see are offering him a place to continue next year (they behaved pretty shoddily towards him and so i think this is the only thing they can do..). my boyfriend wants to take it up. which is understandable. being a teacher seems a lot more steady than his other jobs in the creative industry and he sees it as a step up and a chance to earn a decent wage.

but then im left disappointed after having graduated and visited derry with the intention of making it my home; making effort with everyone, friendship wise and job wise to make connections in the space of a short week over there. my things are in boxes ready to go. i've told quite a few people. i was looking forward to living with my boyfriend. now i have to move back in with my mum for a year. i know my mum is quite happy to have me back but i also know that she was looking forward to a 'kid' free house with her boyfriend, especially now that my brother has moved out. i think im upset and angry because my boyfriend is in the driving seat and has been for quite a while. this year has been completely focussed on his career and his misfortunes. when i say this to him i feel bad because he quite rightly replies that everything that has happened to him hasnt been his fault.

moving away from me, i can see his health deteriorating again. my concerns werent dealt with properly about his mental health (after seeing doctor upon doctor upon doctor including a private doctor). im frustrated and can really see the same thing happening all over again. i just dont understand anymore and would like some steadiness in my life and something good to happen to me.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh no. :(

    It's awful not feeling like you're in control of where your life is going. Is he definitely going to stay at uni? Are you both living near his uni or could you move to where he is to join him and get a new start there?

    Maybe it would be a good idea to do some 'fresh-starting' in your own town. I've done this recently as I felt that life was getting a bit samey and stagnant; I joined a local sports group, went out with the intention of making some new friends, took a new route to work every day, and every weekend my boyfriend and I set ourselves the goal of discovering something about the area we didn't know before or finding a new cafe or park or event or whatever.

    It won't compare to a big move like you've been looking forward to, but it might help a bit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for your reply

    it's looking increasingly likely, he has a meeting with the university in two weeks. he's turned against the idea of moving back to his home town of derry completely now. if he does decide to go back to that uni, my home is about 2 1/2 - 3 hours away by train. it is doable, we've done it for a year now but i was just looking forward to moving past the 'long' distance relationship thing, commuting to see eachother and wanted to live together. my boyfriend did mention last night about me moving to the town where his uni is but i feel like im on shaky ground now. he can just as easily revoke that offer like he did when he wanted me to move to n ireland. bah :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn. Perhaps it's time to think about what you want for yourself now, and fit him in around your life, rather than the other way around.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my boyfriend did mention last night about me moving to the town where his uni is

    Why not do some research into it - find out what jobs, flats and shared houses there are there? You wouldn't have to move there until you found somewhere to work - you could apply for most things from where you live now I should imgine, and ask your boyfriend to keep an eye out for stuff in the local papers too.

    Good luck with it all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Meryn wrote: »
    Why not do some research into it - find out what jobs, flats and shared houses there are there? You wouldn't have to move there until you found somewhere to work - you could apply for most things from where you live now I should imgine, and ask your boyfriend to keep an eye out for stuff in the local papers too.

    Good luck with it all.

    yeah, i think i'll just see how it goes. i just dont want to find something i really want to do (like i did volunteering for the verbal arts centre in derry) then for his plans or mind to change and fall through and so consequently mine. i can imagine that happening.

    katralla you're right, i do get mad at him but he says he is doing it for us and our future. head mess
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    Damn. Perhaps it's time to think about what you want for yourself now, and fit him in around your life, rather than the other way around.

    ^ This. But that can include one last year of fitting around him being a student - but think long and hard about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks, you've all given really helpful advice. my head is still a mess unfortunately, i find it difficult to assert myself without g etting into an arguement. at the moment we speak really late on the phone everyday (around 11) so im knackered and pretty short tempered anyway. i come off the phone feeling unsatisfied if that makes sense? i know we should just speak earlier but im scared that wont solve it. then i have to face reality that we've hit a crap patch in our relationship. god knows
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