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older dad....amongst other things

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello and thanks for reading this far :)

fairly new on here too so please be patient!This may end up talking about things which arent entirely relevant but ill do me best to stick to the point...anyway.

Im 22, postgraduate (graduated last year, currently finishing my MA off). Most people i know have parents who are in their 50s. Some i know whose parents are in their late 40s and some even in their early 40s. Thats to say that both parents are the same age or only at least a few years apart.

My life has changed alot over the last 4 years and have had a lot of experiences, many of them not good and i have paid the price for it with health problems (but ill post that somewhere else).

Even before these things happened to me for several years i already wasnt starting to get on with my parents. Went through a very unsettled period when i started secondary school and that also affected my parents, whose behaviour (esp my dads) changed towards me and it has nnever really been the same. Dont get me wrong i love my parents and they are fully supportive of me etc but in alot of ways we cant get on. When it came to my gcses they unknowlingly put alot of pressure on me, when i didnt do well in my as levels they tried to send me to an all girls catholic 6th form in another area. We have had times where we are all laughing along with other and then another time we have blazing arguments where i end up in tears.

For me my dad has been the worst person to get along with at times. Like i say alot of people i knows parents are fairly youngish and the same age but mine are 12 years apart and my dad will be 70 next year.

I cant help but feel slightly embarrassed about that fact. Should i be? is it wrong that i am? I have a theory that he is getting more grumpy in his old age (like some people mellow abit) and this partly attributes to us getting on. He is (quite a strict) catholic, have been brought up to go to church which i now dont anymore after ALOT of bartering and is a whole set of other problems, has a tendency to be rude and arrogant at times, and has a VERY nasty temper.

2 examples of this are when he was trying to help me revise for an alevel exam a few years ago. id got up and not got dressed and been downstairs that morning, then westarted talking about the work and i said id go get sressed. he insisted on doing it there and then. i cant remember full what happened next but i do remember being called 'a horrible piece of humanity', him red in the face yelling, slamming the door and going out of the house.

The 2nd example is more recently when earlier this year on my birthday me and my mum just had a minor disagreement about something and he wrongly jumped to conclusions, thought we were arguing and shouted at me calling me a b******. He didnt apologise for a week and even then i had to ask for it.

needless to say i dont always respect my dad - why would i when he can be really nasty. my mum doesnt help by siding with him either and ticking me off like a child for slagging him off a bit - even wen she knows what he has said is wrong like the birthday swearing incident. obv she is caught in the middle but still.

id be interested to know what people think about the fact my dad is nearly 70 and my situation. comments appreciated. thanks in advance

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think much of the age, and I'm not sure why it bothers and embarasses you. I had a friend at school whose partents were in their 60s. Of course, it is the job of a teenager to be embarassed by its parents

    The age gap, again is not really an issue although I can see why you might find that odd at yor age - although you didn't say when they got together. You also didn't say if you still lived at home.

    That he's a cantankerous bastard - well that would be irritating.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hello,

    well i thought i made it clear why it bothers me abit - none of my friends dads are as old as mine! surely thats understandable? he is old enough to be my grandad...

    they got together in the 80s when my dad was in his late 40s and my mum was in her mid thirties.

    yes i do still live at home which is all part of the strain.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My parents are relatively old for parents too - my sisters are older than many of my friends' parents. I can understand how you might feel embarrassed - if you're living at home I assume you're still a teenager, so it goes with the territory. However, I doubt any of your friends have actually taken in the fact that your parents are older than theirs - the only time it's ever come up with me is when a friend of mine came up with the little gem - 'But doesn't that mean your parents will die sooner than everybody else's?' Why are you actually bothered about your dad's age? Is it the way he looks, acts, what? So, the only advice I have is just get over it. Your parents are the age they are, and they're only going to get older from here.

    I don't really have any advice regarding the fact that your dad seems a bit of a dick, though, sorry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You have parents, two living parents, living together, with you and loving you parents - lucky thing. If they're annoying, get some distance from them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello and
    I cant help but feel slightly embarrassed about that fact. Should i be? is it wrong that i am?

    i'm 20 and my dad is 67. my mum is ten years younger than my dad. i don't think my dad's age has ever been an issue, infact when i was younger i remember some friends having really young dads and thinking how much better mine was. the only thing that worries me is that my dad might not live long enough to see me and my sister marry, but he is very healthy and most people (including my boyfriend) are very surprised when i say how old he is, because he seems much younger. i think having children older kept him young and active, because he had to be. he also still works full-time. i am not embarrassed and it's never an issue. i've never met most of my friends' dads, i don't see when i would need to, and i couldn't care less how old they are. and to be honest, many of them have absent fathers and i am very proud that mine is still greatly involved in my life. i don't see why the ages of our parents is relevant to anything, and i don't think that my parents are that much older than most people's, yes they could be my grandparents if they had their children very young, but the fact they didn't has benefited us. they were married young and had a life together before having us, they have life experience and have been through lots of things that have helped given them the wisdom to look after us which younger parents might not have. the way my mum and dad have dealt with my mental illness has been admirable and i think that the years they have spent teaching and helping others before i came along gave them greater insight to help me.

    i think it's quite shallow to be embarrassed of your parents' ages, be proud of their lives and their health and everything they have done for you. i have to think for a minute if someone asks me how old my mum and dad are because it is something that doesn't matter to me. you say that your friends have younger parents - so what? are they bothered or is it just you? having difficulty getting along with your parents is common regardless of their age, especially when you go through being a teenager and exams and everything else. i don't always get on with my mum and dad, at times we have huge arguments and fall-outs, but i think we still would if they were 20 years younger.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    i'm 20 and my dad is 67. my mum is ten years younger than my dad. i don't think my dad's age has ever been an issue, infact when i was younger i remember some friends having really young dads and thinking how much better mine was. the only thing that worries me is that my dad might not live long enough to see me and my sister marry, but he is very healthy and most people (including my boyfriend) are very surprised when i say how old he is, because he seems much younger. i think having children older kept him young and active, because he had to be. he also still works full-time. i am not embarrassed and it's never an issue. i've never met most of my friends' dads, i don't see when i would need to, and i couldn't care less how old they are. and to be honest, many of them have absent fathers and i am very proud that mine is still greatly involved in my life. i don't see why the ages of our parents is relevant to anything, and i don't think that my parents are that much older than most people's, yes they could be my grandparents if they had their children very young, but the fact they didn't has benefited us. they were married young and had a life together before having us, they have life experience and have been through lots of things that have helped given them the wisdom to look after us which younger parents might not have. the way my mum and dad have dealt with my mental illness has been admirable and i think that the years they have spent teaching and helping others before i came along gave them greater insight to help me.

    i think it's quite shallow to be embarrassed of your parents' ages, be proud of their lives and their health and everything they have done for you. i have to think for a minute if someone asks me how old my mum and dad are because it is something that doesn't matter to me. you say that your friends have younger parents - so what? are they bothered or is it just you? having difficulty getting along with your parents is common regardless of their age, especially when you go through being a teenager and exams and everything else. i don't always get on with my mum and dad, at times we have huge arguments and fall-outs, but i think we still would if they were 20 years younger.
    All of this :yes:.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hello,

    well i thought i made it clear why it bothers me abit - none of my friends dads are as old as mine! surely thats understandable? he is old enough to be my grandad...

    they got together in the 80s when my dad was in his late 40s and my mum was in her mid thirties.

    yes i do still live at home which is all part of the strain.

    so what? I don't get it. Your friends dads are younger, but what is your dad supposed to do about that?
    I really don't see why his age is so embarassing to you?
    Sure, he's being cranky, but we only know your side of the story, so can't really tell you why.
    My advice would be to sit down with him and lay out how you feel, and really listen to his feelings. As children, we so often fall into the trap of forgetting that our parents have feelings too, and I'm sure he would love to have a heart to hear with you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    grace wrote: »
    My parents are relatively old for parents too - my sisters are older than many of my friends' parents. I can understand how you might feel embarrassed - if you're living at home I assume you're still a teenager, so it goes with the territory. However, I doubt any of your friends have actually taken in the fact that your parents are older than theirs - the only time it's ever come up with me is when a friend of mine came up with the little gem - 'But doesn't that mean your parents will die sooner than everybody else's?' Why are you actually bothered about your dad's age? Is it the way he looks, acts, what? So, the only advice I have is just get over it. Your parents are the age they are, and they're only going to get older from here.

    I don't really have any advice regarding the fact that your dad seems a bit of a dick, though, sorry.
    hey,

    well thanks - good to know someone else is in a similar position.

    If you read my intro again properly im not a teenager tho! (lol)

    i guess in a way your right, noone really takes their friends parents ages into account so why be bothered?

    its probably just me, but like i say he does have a bit of a temper at times ahd isnt as laid back as other peoples parents are which i think is what gets to me abit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    You have parents, two living parents, living together, with you and loving you parents - lucky thing. If they're annoying, get some distance from them.
    true - and i have always been grateful - just airing my feelings about the age thats all
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    i'm 20 and my dad is 67. my mum is ten years younger than my dad. i don't think my dad's age has ever been an issue, infact when i was younger i remember some friends having really young dads and thinking how much better mine was. the only thing that worries me is that my dad might not live long enough to see me and my sister marry, but he is very healthy and most people (including my boyfriend) are very surprised when i say how old he is, because he seems much younger. i think having children older kept him young and active, because he had to be. he also still works full-time. i am not embarrassed and it's never an issue. i've never met most of my friends' dads, i don't see when i would need to, and i couldn't care less how old they are. and to be honest, many of them have absent fathers and i am very proud that mine is still greatly involved in my life. i don't see why the ages of our parents is relevant to anything, and i don't think that my parents are that much older than most people's, yes they could be my grandparents if they had their children very young, but the fact they didn't has benefited us. they were married young and had a life together before having us, they have life experience and have been through lots of things that have helped given them the wisdom to look after us which younger parents might not have. the way my mum and dad have dealt with my mental illness has been admirable and i think that the years they have spent teaching and helping others before i came along gave them greater insight to help me.

    i think it's quite shallow to be embarrassed of your parents' ages, be proud of their lives and their health and everything they have done for you. i have to think for a minute if someone asks me how old my mum and dad are because it is something that doesn't matter to me. you say that your friends have younger parents - so what? are they bothered or is it just you? having difficulty getting along with your parents is common regardless of their age, especially when you go through being a teenager and exams and everything else. i don't always get on with my mum and dad, at times we have huge arguments and fall-outs, but i think we still would if they were 20 years younger.
    ok i see where youre coming from - but you say yourself that your own paretns are 10 years apart and you worry your dad may not see you or your sister marry! so there you are at least worried yourself so try and understand my position!

    my younger brother has downs syndrome so now you probably think im looking for sympathy but its true. that wil bring its own load of difficulties when my dads no longer here. and of course i am extremely proud of my parents, i never said that i wasnt and that wasnt what i was implying. i gues your right that people are not bothered, but i am for my own reasons.

    i suppose what im trying to say is that my dad will be 70 next year and it dawned on me that that is significant for him and everybody as it made me aware of the fact that we are over a generation apart and i feel distanced at times because he is so much older than me- we think very differently.

    i feel really good about my self that you think im shallow - thanks for the compliment! do i think your shallow for worrying about your dad being here in the future? no i dont. i feel that is unfair of you to say that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok i see where youre coming from - but you say yourself that your own paretns are 10 years apart and you worry your dad may not see you or your sister marry! so there you are at least worried yourself so try and understand my position!

    my younger brother has downs syndrome so now you probably think im looking for sympathy but its true. that wil bring its own load of difficulties when my dads no longer here. and of course i am extremely proud of my parents, i never said that i wasnt and that wasnt what i was implying. i gues your right that people are not bothered, but i am for my own reasons.

    i suppose what im trying to say is that my dad will be 70 next year and it dawned on me that that is significant for him and everybody as it made me aware of the fact that we are over a generation apart and i feel distanced at times because he is so much older than me- we think very differently.

    i feel really good about my self that you think im shallow - thanks for the compliment! do i think your shallow for worrying about your dad being here in the future? no i dont. i feel that is unfair of you to say that.


    when i say that i worry that my dad will not see me and my sister marry, i don't mean that it keeps me awake at night, i mean that it occasionally crosses my mind. the fact is, people die at any age and you can't go through life worrying that your parents will die, because they will. my mum's dad died in his forties and never saw her marry, and one of my friends just lost her dad in his fifties. it's just one of those things. if your dad is healthy then he could live to be over ninety, it's the luck of the draw. in general, some of my dad's friends who are grandparents (mainly to small children) seem old, much older than him. i think being a grandparent can make people feel old. i don't think my dad is old, i think he's dad-aged.

    i'm really sorry that your brother has down's syndrome, but you must realise that the time would come when your parents are unable to look after him anyway. i'm guessing from your post that he's a teenager? if your parents are in good health then they could look after him for a long time yet, and when they are unable to there are a lot of options available. i don't think you are looking for sympathy and i can appreciate that the situation worries you, but try to remember that what will be will be. when the time comes that your parents cannot look after your brother, which might be a long time away yet, there will be options.

    in your original post you were talking about being embarassed of your dad, not about being concerned about losing him. it is the embarassment that i think is shallow, i don't think as a person you are shallow, that is not what i said, or meant. of course it is not shallow to worry sometimes about losing your parents, whatever their age. but i don't think there is any reason to be embarassed of your dad's age, and i was trying to point out that no one else is bothered, it is only you that has a problem. instead of feeling resentment i think you should concentrate on trying to have a positive relationship with your dad, as far as you can, while you have him. i think most people think pretty differently from their parents, whatever the age gap between them. personally i find that sometimes we get on like a house on fire and sometimes we can't stand each other; i think that's perfectly normal and totally unrelated to age. surely we would still be a different generation, even if my mum had had me as a teenager?

    as i have said, i did not call you shallow, i said that being embarassed of your parents was shallow. there are plenty of things to be legitimately embarassed over but i don't think age is one of them. being worried about eventually losing your parents and being embarassed of their age are quite different things.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    when i say that i worry that my dad will not see me and my sister marry, i don't mean that it keeps me awake at night, i mean that it occasionally crosses my mind. the fact is, people die at any age and you can't go through life worrying that your parents will die, because they will. my mum's dad died in his forties and never saw her marry, and one of my friends just lost her dad in his fifties. it's just one of those things. if your dad is healthy then he could live to be over ninety, it's the luck of the draw. in general, some of my dad's friends who are grandparents (mainly to small children) seem old, much older than him. i think being a grandparent can make people feel old. i don't think my dad is old, i think he's dad-aged.

    i'm really sorry that your brother has down's syndrome, but you must realise that the time would come when your parents are unable to look after him anyway. i'm guessing from your post that he's a teenager? if your parents are in good health then they could look after him for a long time yet, and when they are unable to there are a lot of options available. i don't think you are looking for sympathy and i can appreciate that the situation worries you, but try to remember that what will be will be. when the time comes that your parents cannot look after your brother, which might be a long time away yet, there will be options.

    in your original post you were talking about being embarassed of your dad, not about being concerned about losing him. it is the embarassment that i think is shallow, i don't think as a person you are shallow, that is not what i said, or meant. of course it is not shallow to worry sometimes about losing your parents, whatever their age. but i don't think there is any reason to be embarassed of your dad's age, and i was trying to point out that no one else is bothered, it is only you that has a problem. instead of feeling resentment i think you should concentrate on trying to have a positive relationship with your dad, as far as you can, while you have him. i think most people think pretty differently from their parents, whatever the age gap between them. personally i find that sometimes we get on like a house on fire and sometimes we can't stand each other; i think that's perfectly normal and totally unrelated to age. surely we would still be a different generation, even if my mum had had me as a teenager?

    as i have said, i did not call you shallow, i said that being embarassed of your parents was shallow. there are plenty of things to be legitimately embarassed over but i don't think age is one of them. being worried about eventually losing your parents and being embarassed of their age are quite different things.
    well i honestly dont know what to say - you have been nominated for post of the week for your earlier reply to this which i cant really believe as this is making me feel a bit small now. on the basis it has has already made me feel not very good about myself as this is the very first thing i have poseted on here and you get commended for it!

    do you not think that i already realise that my parents will no longer be able to look after my brother without you telling me?! and that one day i will most likely fighting the system when they are no longer here altogether. im sorry but if you think you know anything about having a sibling with special needs then please dont tell me 'to try to remember what will be will be' !! sometimes i do find myself wishing that things were different.
    i have posted another thread about that seperately if youd like to comment

    i am trying to appreicate that you are trying to give helpful advice but to be honest it is not what you are saying in that post but the way you are saying things that i find slightly patronising.

    i came on here to seek advice and maybe make a few friends as well and now it all seems to be falling apart before ive even established anything and i really dont want to get off to a bad start with anyone but that is just how i feel about this at the moment so i hope you and other people can understand that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you are misinterpreting what omg hi is saying. Nobody is trying to patronise you, I promise.

    I do understand where you're coming from. My dad is in his 60s and my mum is 55, and when I realise that some of my friends have parents in their early 40s, I do sometimes get a twinge of embarrassment, especially because my half sister is eight and my dad will probably be gone before she even starts university (he's not the most healthy of 62 year olds). Then I remember that he may be older than most, but he is still my daddy and he still loves all of his daughters.

    I think perhaps you feel differently because your relationship with your dad isn't great, and because of your brother, it perhaps worries you more than most. I certainly don't envy your situation. Unfortunately I have no advice on the embarrassment thing, but I do think that if you try and work on your relationship with your dad, you might find it starts to get better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have posted another thread about that seperately if youd like to comment

    i don't think i will actually but i'll bear the offer in mind.
    (when i said 'what will be will be' it was in reference to parents dying, not your brother)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    omg hi wrote: »
    i don't think i will actually but i'll bear the offer in mind.
    (when i said 'what will be will be' it was in reference to parents dying, not your brother)
    i know
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki wrote: »
    I think you are misinterpreting what omg hi is saying. Nobody is trying to patronise you, I promise.

    I do understand where you're coming from. My dad is in his 60s and my mum is 55, and when I realise that some of my friends have parents in their early 40s, I do sometimes get a twinge of embarrassment, especially because my half sister is eight and my dad will probably be gone before she even starts university (he's not the most healthy of 62 year olds). Then I remember that he may be older than most, but he is still my daddy and he still loves all of his daughters.

    I think perhaps you feel differently because your relationship with your dad isn't great, and because of your brother, it perhaps worries you more than most. I certainly don't envy your situation. Unfortunately I have no advice on the embarrassment thing, but I do think that if you try and work on your relationship with your dad, you might find it starts to get better.
    thanks - i really appreciate your empathy and now i have calmed down overnight i probably have misinterpreted some of omghis points.

    but you and others must understand that when it comes to my brother espeically concerning caring for him in the present (and to an extent the future) i already have enough of people in reality thinking and telling me that they know how hard it is when they really dont.

    thats why i have posted a seperate thread about that and why i came on here - to take positive steps for myself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks - i but you and others must understand that when it comes to my brother espeically concerning caring for him in the present (and to an extent the future) i already have enough of people in reality thinking and telling me that they know how hard it is when they really dont.

    i am sorry that you found what i said patronising or offensive. i am upset that i have upset you - i was only trying to help. i do have some knowledge of the care system for disabled people but it is very sketchy and not something i feel i can accurately advise you on, and it's not what i was really posting about. the point i was trying to make was that the situation will arise when your parents can no longer care for your brother, regardless of their age. yes it might be earlier than for some families, but that does not necessarily follow. when that time comes there will be support for your family, that's all i was trying to say. i was only trying to reassure you, not belittle you.

    i was only trying to help you appreciate the age issue from a slightly different angle, and other people obviously thought i made some sense or they would not have voted for me in POTW. but i'll leave you alone now and just say that i hope everything works out for you.
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