You Haven't Won - Domestic Violence Poem

Former Member

Can I ask one thing or is that too much?
Why does she flinch at just your touch?
Why do these scars and cuts appear?
She seems so strange when you are near.
I know that you hit her every day,
Whenever you think she’s going astray.
Do you give your permission to let her cry?
Will you beat her ‘till the day that you die?
Can I say one more thing? You have not won,
‘Cause I’ve told them all what you’ve done.

Former Member

I really like this, except for the last couplet- what's bugging me is that the rhythm seems off, and so I'd possibly put "what you have done" instead of "you've". Although on rereading now i'm not sure on my own suggestion. Anyway, it's only a minor point, that poem is definitely getting a thumbs up from me.

Former Member

queenmab_roo wrote: »

I really like this, except for the last couplet- what's bugging me is that the rhythm seems off, and so I'd possibly put "what you have done" instead of "you've". Although on rereading now i'm not sure on my own suggestion. Anyway, it's only a minor point, that poem is definitely getting a thumbs up from me.

thankyou... and i am always up for constructive criticism, otherwise i wouldnt be able to improve things
thanks for sharing your opinion with me x

Former Member

I also like this very much, it's very poignant. Nice piece of writing, Rainbow

Former Member

I also like constructive criticism- although I've not written for years!