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Long story, left single & alone

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Not really sure what this will achieve but I don't really have anyone to talk to.

One of our cats disappeared for three weeks in March and just when we had given up hope of finding her she was returned to us on Easter Monday. Whilst she was gone may partner and I pushed each other away and weren't really there for each other. The night before she was found I wanted his help putting leaflets through doors to search for our baby but he wanted to enjoy the last day of the long weekend. In the end I went on my own and when I got back he was drinking gin and we had a huge row, he slept in the spare room.

The next day I found a message on his phone from a woman he works with suggesting I wasn't the one for him. He had told her we argued about money, to which she said I was old before my time (we have argued about money in the past as we were supposed to be saving for a house - only it was always one sided) but the night before was nothing to do with that. He said apologised and said he would set her straight.

A few days later another friend of his came round, I was upstairs studying when suddenly they dropped their voices and started talking about the woman from works birthday. He had not mentioned anything to me about the birthday so I tried to listen in but my partner came upstairs, guessed what I was doing and closed the door. I knew something was going on so checked his email and found messages from facebook - first was a password change, followed by emails from a friend of woman from work suggesting they pick up where they left off if he had meant what he said the other day.

I left the house at that point as I needed some space to think. About half an hour later he started calling and texting demanding to know what was going on. I told him to tell me but he wouldn't so I mentioned her name. He denied anything was going on but said he didn't want me there because I would spend the time glaring at her.

When I returned home he asked if I had read his emails, to which I replied 'clever'. He then said he had changed all his passwords, but his email was still open on my computer so when I went up to bed I refreshed it and more messages had come through from this woman saying things along the lines of 'it doesn't matter', 'all is forgotten', 'hope it's not awkward'.

After that he said he wanted things to work but he needed to have his privacy. He went out at the weekend for workmates birthday and I stayed home studying.

Then I went away for a night for work and when I got back I tried to kiss him and he told me he didn't know whether he loved me (presumably he had been talking to her again the previous night).

The next night he went over to his parents and to a friends who is moving abroad. When he came back he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore and was going to go travelling when his friend moves abroad.

I went to stay with my mum for a couple of days. When I got back he said he said lots of odd comments. Including 'I think I'm doing the right thing', 'if it's meant to be it will be', 'I only came back last time because I felt guilty' (he left for a couple of days just before my exam in Nov 08), and 'I wanted kids by now, now I'm not sure I want to be a dad'. All these comments left me confused.

This was about 4 weeks ago, he has only been back a few times to pick up clothes. He hasn't taken all of his stuff because he moved back to one room at his parents and also so as not to distract me before my final exam.

It has been a tough few weeks, with more downs than ups. I moved to the area to be with him and don't work in the town so only knew people through him. I've been feeling really lonely but trying to get through. Thought I was doing ok until this morning.

We had spoken a few times and he said he had been seeing a lot of the woman but only as friends. He asked me not to tell people because workmate didn't approve of the time they are spending together. This morning he came over to collect some stuff and admitted that they have feelings for each other - he is 27, he said she is 39 and has two teenage kids and is going through a divorce.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    While im one to advocate provacy in terms of passwords etc, and it being silly letting your other half know passwords, if for some reason someone finds something out, its a bit dodgy ground for someone to say they need their privacy, when their other half blatently knows whats going on.

    I hope they are very happy together, and that he stays away from you. As much as that might hurt with me saying that, you will be better off without a person like him in your life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Think of it as an oppurtunity for making some new plans for yourself and your life, where you don't have to mediate you needs and wants around him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm very sorry you had to go through something this painful, I went through something similar. I think that his comments that confused you were perhaps to ease his guilt about the situation. My best advise would be to give him all of his things so there are none in your house, and then break contact with him. It is clear that by hearing from him you are hurting more, and you need a fresh start in order to heal.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks all for advice!

    I think I know deep down that I need to distance myself from him, I guess it is just hard after spending all your time with someone and not knowing other people in the area, I am still relying on him in a way.
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