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Update / advice (could be triggering)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello

It's been a while. Sorry. I've sort of wanted to post but equally not had the energy. I've been really struggling with my mental health lately, particularly after Christmas, and I'm getting to the end of my tether.

I ended up in hospital about 7 weeks ago after my housemate interrupted me trying to take an overdose (I don't need any sarcy comments about the fact that this is obviously about wanting to be interrupted or whatever, she told me she was staying at her boyfriend's). Since then I've been in regular contact with the local crisis team but that has to end and they don't really have anywhere to refer me.

Residential care for a month was suggested, and I think it would do me some good, but I can't get that sort of time off work and the referral was turned down on the grounds I wanted to keep working. Then there was some talk of DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) but they've warned me that if I can't get work to be flexible around the appointments. They seem to have diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder but even that floats around depending on who I talk to (I'm not sure if it's a compliment that one social worker told me I'm 'too high-functioning' to be actually ill and that it's just that I react badly to situations).

Added to all this, I've got a place at a good university for a postgraduate course in September, but I've been told that they can't sort out referrals to a new town and I'd have to start all over again.

I've been trying to get help for eleven years and I just don't know what to do any more. Every time I get close to something that sounds helpful it gets taken away. I can't afford private treatment, but I don't want to take a place at university if I won't be able to complete it (the financial implications, everything else aside, are huge).

I just can't go on like this, constantly cutting myself and in fear of getting the nerve up to take an overdose again. I've been collecting the tablets up and even found myself writing a sort of itinerary / codicil for my friends the other day. The only thing that calms me down when I'm on my own is making preparations and that scares the shit out of me.

It's not that I don't know what I have to live for. Oddly enough, I really do. I have my friends, my girlfriend, my family and my uni place. But as soon as I'm on my own those things stop feeling real and I get panicky. I don't calm down unless I'm hurting myself in some way. I feel like I've run out of options.

I don't know if I should take the university place and hope that I can find some appropriate therapy and self-refer, or if I should try to defer and get myself back on my feet. Because right now it feels like I'll never be ok again.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    piccolo wrote: »
    Every time I get close to something that sounds helpful it gets taken away.

    i understand very much :(

    i think you need to decide whether starting the uni course would help or make things worse - would throwing yourself into the work and potentially giving your life a new direction be cathartic and beneficial to your mential health or would it be too much stress and make things worse? also bear in mind that if you enrol at the uni they may have their own services or have contacts to more appropriate ones that could help you. but if you think that it would all be too much at this time then defer. it will still be there next year and you may be able to make a better job of it when you are feeling better.

    just to clarify, if you start the postgrad course would you carry on working or would you give it up? because if you were going to stop working anyway would you consider doing it a bit earlier and going for the residential care? are your work aware of your situation? i think you should seriously consider asking about having the time off for the DBT appointments if you think it would help you. if you could get work to be a bit flexible and the therapist to be a bit flexible then maybe they could meet in the middle and you'd be able to go? because you might find that if you don't get access to any help soon you won't be able to work anyway. i guess it all depends on what you think you need right now.

    i always say this when we speak kate but i think you are so brave, i really do. please take care. x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had considered trying to get a referral for the last month before Oxford. I was going to suggest that to my GP; it is possible that a month there would get me through the couple of months it would probably take to sort out.

    I also wondered about accepting an assessment for DBT here and then if they think it will benefit me I could try to get a referral to an equivalent service in Oxford.

    The other thing is that I know from friends that the pastoral care is really very good there. But I'm still nervous about the time it would take to get it sorted.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont think i can say anything useful, but just wanted to say im sorry to hear you are going through a bad time. the mental health services in this country seem to be hard to negoiate. i was having psychotherapy myself which was helpful, but then moved out of the catchment area for my GP two miles up the road and have been told i have to start all over again, on the waiting list etc when i was on it over a year before i got anywhere so i can understand a little bit how you feel. i have also been told something similar along the lines of your " too high functioning" so i know a little how you feel.


    i have to add as well that you are a respected poster on these boards, brave and who gives good advice and i hope that can be a comfort to you, however small.

    i wish i could say something more helpful, but i hope me understanding even a little tiny bit what you feel like helps a little. you aren't alone x
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