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Humhumhum. (Maybe triggering)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel numb (oh hey, that rhymes). Physically, mentally, emotionally. Like...nothing. Attacked my stomach with my nail scissors this morning to see if that would let me feel something. Didn't work. Want to do worse to see if that makes a difference. That or do something really stupid to make it stop. Either way, I don't like this feeling. Want it to go away.

Been thinking about breaking up with Rich. There. Said it. Now everybody knows and I don't have to keep pretending that everything is peachykeen and rosy. It's not. It's not his fault, but he is so easily influenced by other people and he lives with people who treat me like I'm invisible. Like I'm some little insignificant being that has no emotion or feeling. There's a difference between having a joke about the fact that I'm on an RP server on WoW and talking about it like it actually makes me inferior. Apparently he can't see the difference. I shouldn't have to tell him when to say something to them. But at the same time I don't want to hurt him and eugh. He's already telling me how upset he is and it's not helping. Plus I still don't trust him after what happened last year. Too many times where he's said things to make me happy and then changed his mind.

I've still got two essays to write that were due ages ago. Got an extension but missed that too because my head is fluff. First exam is in a week. Gonna fail. Need to see someone, I guess.

Sorry. Needed to let it out. Want to hurthurthurthurthurt. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkk.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    franki this isn't going to go away if you hurt yourself, you know that. you have to face it. go and see someone at uni about your work, you're too near the end to mess it up now. you and rich have been through so much together, follow your heart and do what you need to do.

    i'm here if you need me
    x x x x x x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My tutor already knows why I haven't done them yet. He's really patient with me, which is good.

    I can't work out the difference between what's best for me and what other people would want me to do. I spoke to my mum yesterday about it and that made me feel better about that side of things (like, if I chose to break up with him and couldn't find a place to live, I thought I would have nowhere to go but she said I could stay there as long as I wanted). Still fluff. Fluffff.

    I know hurting myself isn't the way to do it. I just want to feel something. Anything at all. Pain would be better than this. I can't even CRY right now and I feel like I need to.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well i guess only you know if breaking up will change things for the better in your life, it sounds as if maybe he is being a little closed to your emotions he really ought to notice if those around you are being nasty about your interests and he should say something to defend you, thats what he's there for in my opinion.
    Maybe it makes him feel good around his mates if he is seen as a bit of a witty sarcastic bloke.
    But as i said you are the only one who knows in your heart what you need to do about your man.
    As far as your essays go, do you have a friend doing the same work that could maybe help you with some ideas or hints if they have already finished they may even sit down and help you for a few hours.
    Dont panic about your exam just try to make the most of the time you have left to study, at this late stage it has to be an all or nothing effort you just have to shut things out as best you can and work to a revision timetable the chances are you know most of it anyway.
    Please don't cut yourself its much better to come on here and rant or cry and let it all out, i know its tough but keep strong and have faith that you will come out the other side of this period in your life as a happy fulfilled person.
    Good luck x
    Oh and btw buy those shoes you know they will cheer you up :thumb:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm going to buy them on Monday :yes:.

    The essays will be fairly easy, it's just actually doing them. I need to finish the books for a start, and I can't concentrate on that even. Blargh.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki wrote: »
    I know hurting myself isn't the way to do it. I just want to feel something. Anything at all.

    i know. but:
    Franki wrote: »
    Attacked my stomach with my nail scissors this morning to see if that would let me feel something. Didn't work.


    it's not the way. it won't help, you know it won't, you will just end up feeling worse.
    x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nail Scissors were my weapon of choice too. Give them to someone or put them out of sight then get yourself Mit. Circ. for your assignments. I'm sorry I don't know very much about your situation - are you at uni? Have you been diagnosed with depression, or are on antid's?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Franki:wave: ,

    I am sorry to hear that you are feeling low at the moment, It is good to hear that you have spoken with your mum and talked over the way you are feeling at the moment, it is also nice to hear that your college tutor has been patient and understanding of your current situation. Does you college offer any counselling service ??? It may be worth giving this a try too.

    Here is some information on Self Harm and Relationship Issues.

    I hope this helps and that things are looking up for you soon.

    Take Care.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

    B :wave: .
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't want to read the post, sorry Franki, because it says it might be triggering...

    But I wanted to send you some hugs xxxx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Start of lecture:
    (Read to self in that lecturing voice deputy head teachers use to lecture about uniforms)

    You've said yourself these essays aren't hard, so just get on with it and do them.

    You said you need to finish the reading but you can't concentrate. Well make yourself knuckle down and suffer through it. Sit yourself somewhere quiet with a notepad and a pen and the books and plod your way through them. Do it in hour chunks and then take a short break. Even if you end up pushing yourself through them reading with one finger under the words as you go through.

    You don't have to get the best out of the books you might have done, but from the sounds of it you've had these essays hanging over you for so long you just need them gone and done with.

    Remember, they only have to be finished. Not up to your usual standard, but just getting them out of the way.

    Then you don't have the excuse of still needing to do them and you can get on with exam preparation.

    Yes, you might not write essays of the quality you think you could, but they will be done and in. Then you can do the exam stuff and you're likely to make better overall marks if you do a bit of everything.

    So, quit whining, and get on with it. And if you want to feel something, feel GRRRRRRRRRRR at me for nagging you to get on with the work.

    When you've finished the books for one of the essays, you can have another think about you and Rich etc, but for now essays come first.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki wrote: »
    I can't work out the difference between what's best for me and what other people would want me to do.

    You will. You just need to take some time out and think about it. Just remember that the easiest path to take is not always the right one, so don't be scared about following your heart in whichever way. Don't stay with Rich just because it seems easier to have someone than no one, but conversely, don't leave him just because properly working out your issues feels like an insurmountable task. Take your time to decide what's best, what's REALLY best for you, then grit your teeth and do it.

    You will have no shortage of people, here and IRL, looking out for you whatever you decide.

    P.S. Buy the shoes, scream, yell and cry for a bit, then write your essay.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Start of lecture:

    So, quit whining, and get on with it..

    Well that won't help. In my experience stress decreases concentration significantly
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yup, but generally not to the point where you can't actually read. And its just a suggestion, but getting the essays over and out of the way sounds like it will go a long way towards decreasing the overall stress.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Evenstar wrote: »
    Well that won't help. In my experience stress decreases concentration significantly
    Yeh, to be fair, I agree with everything she said. I'm going to try and crack on with them this weekend (probably tomorrow).
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You said you need to finish the reading but you can't concentrate. Well make yourself knuckle down and suffer through it. Sit yourself somewhere quiet with a notepad and a pen and the books and plod your way through them. Do it in hour chunks and then take a short break. Even if you end up pushing yourself through them reading with one finger under the words as you go through.

    I agree with doing it in chunks. I've always foudn this makes it much easier to concentrate and it means things sink in.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Franki wrote: »
    Yeh, to be fair, I agree with everything she said. I'm going to try and crack on with them this weekend (probably tomorrow).

    Good plan.

    How about getting the stuff out and your desk clear this evening so its all there and ready for you? Means one less hurdle in the morning.

    And when you've made some progress by lunchtime, give yourself a treat.

    (And you know I'm not evil really)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    geneve wrote: »
    :yes: Life isn't going to go away, you've got to get on with it.

    I have been in positions where to keep going takes such a toll on me that it has or nearly has tipped me over the edge. In these instances I have learnt to remove myself from the situation rather than do something really silly. I may be wrong but I was getting the same vibe from this thread, and I wanted Franki to know that just soldiering through wasn't her only option.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was thinking, i know your relationship issues are not just going to disappear but you don't need to make a decision right now, during exam time?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Evenstar wrote: »
    I wanted Franki to know that just soldiering through wasn't her only option.
    I appreciate the sentiment, but even if I wanted to just take myself away from it, at this point in time that isn't an option. I'm in my final year of uni. My final exam is a week tomorrow. If I fuck up now, I fuck up everything. I'm already getting concessions and I've had extensions and there's not much else I can do.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How's it going? Made some progress today?

    Remember, the end is really really really close now and I know you can get yourself there. Keep plodding through the essay the revision you and you will do it.

    I'm in the same position, except my last exam is slightly further off.

    We *will* both finish things off and get our shiny degrees.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Haven't done as much as I hoped tbh, have had a pounding headache on and off all day. Am now sat with Wuthering Heights though and am aiming for a hundred pages before bed.

    Have sorted things with Rich for the moment. Original plan still going ahead but we're looking at places he could afford to live in by himself if I felt that things weren't going to work once we moved in together. Feel a lot better about it now though.

    Going to try and see the doctor again tomorrow. Going to ask if they can sign me off work for another two weeks and hand in my notice at the same time. Can't deal with going back there. Will move home earlier than planned and try and find a proper job.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Glad to hear you're making some progress.

    Good luck with the 100 pages.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    geneve wrote: »
    What's the alternative? Giving up? Removing yourself from the situation isn't going to progress it, it's still going to be there when you return, but with deadlines passed and more work piling up. Sure have half an hour to cry and stress and feel utterly terrible or go for a run and get it out of your system. Then get on with it in small chunks.

    Didn't mean to offend, was just my opinion. In my experience taking time out to get your head together can ultimately make things go faster. It's how I deal with it.

    Franki - I didnt realise you had so little time, and I really admire you for moving forward how you are. Eat chocolate *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have been put on ADs again. Really really hate being on them and I don't even know why. Still haven't done the essays but my tutor hasn't said anything and to be honest I want to focus on passing my exams first. I get extra time because of my dodgy wrist but it means I'm going to be sat in the exam room for nearly four hours. Eugh.
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