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Argh

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Argh.

So I tried to write this out yesterday, and the day before, but every time it just sounded crap so I scrapped the idea. Determined to get it out today though :p Not really looking for much advice, as I can't explain the whole situation and every single detail. More of a ranty post.

In a nutshell... my relationship with my dad hasn't ever been that great. But he made a comment on saturday and its been shit since. The comment wasn't that bad, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. Saturday night was pretty crappy, I left home and tried to find somewhere to stay the night, but everywhere was booked up. I accept that it was my decision to leave that night, and although in the end I didn't have to sleep rough, it was a pretty scary experience.

So today's thursday and I haven't seen my dad since. I come home from school and just go straight to my room. I can't stand living here with him, I have to stop myself from crying on the way back home just because I dread it so much. Pathetic really.

I can't carry on like this. After saturday my mum has said that she'd try and make it better, but she always says that. And then a day later, it all goes back to how it was. So basically, its either I leave or my dad leaves. And my mum has said that hes not leaving. She hates me for this I'm sure of it - she thinks I'm making a fuss out of nothing, and its "just the way he is". And apparently he doesn't treat me the same as my sister because we're individuals. Ahhh I don't know. I fucking hate being the one whos tearing up this family but I can't do it anymore :crying: I don't know what to do. I can't stand being in the house with him.

----

My exams start next week, and I've finished school today. I don't know what to do.... I can't stay at home because he always comes home from work to walk the dog or spend the afternoon working from home. I was getting on with revision before all this, but now everything has just gone so downhill.

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OK, well so apparently now my dad has said that he'll spend the next week in a hotel. I don't even know if thats what I want. I just want for everything to be normal :no: I can't move out because I have no money. And If my dad does go to the hotel, my sister and mum will hate me.

To be honest, I hate myself right now. My mum, dad and sister all get along fine. And its me that fucks stuff up. My family is falling apart, and I'm going to fuck up my exams because all I can think of is how much I've messed up for everyone. They're so much better without me.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    (:

    basically,i know exactly how you feel. me and my dads relationship has never been good,he's been arrested for physical abuse towards me and we're currently not talking,due to the fact he found out i slept with someone in my house whilst he was away..
    the chances are,your mums under alot of stress,seeing as she has alot going on,and if you think about it,she has to be the peace maker between you and your dad,as she loves you both and doesn't really want either of you gone. and even though it feels like she hates you at the moment,i can promise you she doesn't,her position in the constant battle between you and your dad is extremely hard for her to cope with,because when you love two people that much,you just want them to get on.
    what you really need,is a cooling off period,where either you or your dad leave the house for say 4-5 days,where you can spend time without eachother and actually relax,so that you dont have to fret about going home,and so that he can sort his head out.
    then when you've both calmed down enough to talk,you need to sit down,you,your mum and your dad and have a serious discussion about how each of you feel about the situation,try not to start raising your voices or arguing because it will only make the situation worse,and you really do not need that. take turns to speak,and instead of pretending to listen(come on we all do it) actually take in what each others saying,because the only way you can move forward is to actually understand where each other are coming from,so you can see the situation from a different point of view,change the rules a bit,make obvious what you dont like and comprimise to make a change. it will take time,but it will work,and you can all be happier without anyone having to leave,this wont resolve anything! - don't rush it,just give things time,and all be mature about it,its not easy for any of you at the end of the day..
    good luck :) xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont know your situation but do you think your relationship with your dad is really that unsalvagable? if your dad is deciding to stay at the hotel perhaps he realises that everyone him included just need a bit of breathing space right now. if you feel bad about him staying at a hotel perhaps you could stay with a friend, just for the weekend?

    im sure your parents want you to do well in your exams so i think those coming up are an important incentive for everyone to get this sorted, if not sorted completely then on a more comfortable level. perhaps schedule a family meeting after your last exam? and agree to keep the peace until then? i dont know exactly what's happened and its completely understandable if you dont want to talk about it. but i think a calm discussion with your dad may help, even if you write down the things you want to say to him beforehand. lots of people can say things in the heat of the moment, my own relationship with my dad was quite rocky at times and he could get quite lairy.

    i know it seems really unfair but sometimes you just have to let people go a bit red in the face until they calm down and both of you can discuss it calmly.

    i completely disagree that your family would be better off without you too. please dont fall into the trap of thinking like that. best wishes x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The account you have written is like looking at a carbon copy of my own past. I went through the same thing afew years ago and pretty much all the details you have described are spookily similar, with a couple of roles reversed.

    I am assuming you are doing gsces? or is it a levels? I am currently in my final year of university, let me tell you what happened with me and what decisions i made. i think it might really be of benefit for you. I know if I had to go back and do it again i would make the same choice every time. (btw - i appologise if this ends up being too detailed an account - i tend to waffle, skip to the **end paragraph if you want)

    When i was 15 it really started getting to me how much i was the black sheep of the family. I hated my (step) mother & my relationship with my dad was strained (to put it nicely) & they both thought my little sister was perfect & that they were the perfect family and I was the baggage. I did everything possible to avoid being anywhere near them. I locked myself into my room and ploughed into my schoolwork, i spent a considerable amount of time at friends houses & later started going to the gym 6 hours a day (before & after school - getting up b4 my parents and going to sleep after them so i didnt have to see them) on school days and spending the weekend in the library or with friends.

    I became severely depressed & could see no way out. My step mum said if it wasnt for my dad, she would kick me out. I wanted out, but like you i couldnt afford it. I had a job but it literally got me about £10 a week.
    during the next year things got so bad i ran away, i skipped all my p.e lessons & stopped hanging out with my friends. I felt so alone and i really just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Then a series of events took place at school which ended up with me being reffered to CAMMS. At first it only made things worse & i was discharged as being beyond the help they could offer, but i was later reffered back by my doctor when i developed severe insomia under the stress. This time i was so ill and tired i went along with it, answered the questions that were asked and actually discussed how i felt. It was at this point i was asked - 'you say over and over you wish u could leave, all joking aside, if you could leave home - do you feel it would help?' Seriously - that question, or more the answer to it, saved my life!

    I disagree with people who say that in such a situation moving out of the home is a bad thing and you should stay at home & make the situation better; sometimes a weeks breathing space is not enough. I moved out when i was 17. I got a job over summer, worked overtime whenever it was available, even if i did 2 shifts back to back, it was better than going home and I was determined to save enough money to move out. I contacted connexions who give me the info i needed to put the wheels in motion. I looked for places to rent and i enrolled for college rather than register for the final year of 6thform. In the end i saved up enough for afew months worth of rent, and put a deposit down. I got the paperwork in place to say that i was estranged from my parents so i could get the financial support to afford the rent afew months down the line and I moved the hell out. My parents did not believe i was serious until i actually was loading the taxi with all my stuff and actually left, waving the tenancy contract in the air.

    ** if you are about to say that moving would destroy any remaining sense of relationship with family, think again. I hated my parents, i really did, now i love them to pieces. the independance and responsibility to help my family and myself by taking control of the situation and removing the tension of being in close quarters made them respect me so much. after afew months they started calling me to check how college was and ask me if i wanted my mail forwarding. Eventually they came round to see where i lived, and they were happy for me. And i was happy for them. My parents got on with each other better because they wernt arguing about me all the time, and they could be the family they wanted to be because they knew that i wasnt under their feet and that it was my choice and i was happy.

    If you have the determination & hard working attitude to move out, Seriously please consider it, it is so much better than pointless suffering or even the danger you could get yourself into if you just run away. Your parents might not believe at first that you are serious, but it might just give you (& them) a life back. By no means am i saying it is an easy or a light decision to make and follow through on, or that it is right for every person or circumstance, but if you have the determination to make things better and the hope that will keep you moving towards your goal, things WILL get better.

    I hope this has been of help; I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide. xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Heya. Just wanted to say thanks for the message. I will reply to them when I have a bit more time. Thanks xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    beckii(: wrote:
    the chances are,your mums under alot of stress,seeing as she has alot going on,and if you think about it,she has to be the peace maker between you and your dad,as she loves you both and doesn't really want either of you gone. and even though it feels like she hates you at the moment,i can promise you she doesn't,her position in the constant battle between you and your dad is extremely hard for her to cope with,because when you love two people that much,you just want them to get on.
    Yeah. I hate doing this to her. :( I find it hard to understand how she can love my dad, but she does and I don't want to change that if he makes her happy.
    i dont know your situation but do you think your relationship with your dad is really that unsalvagable? if your dad is deciding to stay at the hotel perhaps he realises that everyone him included just need a bit of breathing space right now. if you feel bad about him staying at a hotel perhaps you could stay with a friend, just for the weekend?
    It really hurts me to say this, but right now I don't think I do have a relationship with my dad. I haven't for a while, and I can't see things improving. I accept they might but yeah :no: . I can't remember the last proper conversation we had, and we haven't hugged in about 10 years. I have 3 half brothers who I never see, because they've cut contact with him, and tbh, I understand why, and I can see myself going down exactly the same route.
    but i think a calm discussion with your dad may help, even if you write down the things you want to say to him beforehand. lots of people can say things in the heat of the moment, my own relationship with my dad was quite rocky at times and he could get quite lairy.
    I can't talk to him. Its cowardly - yes, but I'm so scared. Part of the reason why I'm dreading this weekend. I don't want to be left in the house alone with him in case he tries to talk to me. :banghead:
    ...
    I'm trying to figure out what I want.
    -I want for my sister and mum to be happy. I don't want to do anything that would mess up life for them.
    -I want(ed) to have a relationship with my dad. But I don't know how that would work... as I can't handle even being in the same house as him. I would have to change, and he would have to change.

    Whatever happens, come September, or before if I don't get the results to go to uni, I'll be moving out. I'm fed up of having problems with depression, and I think that living in that house doesn't help.

    For now I'm pretty stuck. A couple of friends have offered me a place to go, but everyone has exams and I don't want to be a burden. I know that something within my head needs to change and soon.. but I don't know what. I'm a big part of this problem.
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