I'm new, URGENTLY Need Advice!!!

Former Member

Hi guys,

I'm totally new to this site so please be kind xx... I've come on here because I'm freaking out, need someone to give me some kind of advice.

I'm 23, I live in a halls of residence. There's a who lives here guy here that I noticed when I moved in. He's friends with everyone in our flat, I'm friends with him too. We've gotten closer over the past term. We hang out a lot and people reckon he's interested in something more than friendship but he's only a wee bit more forward when we've been drinking. Which is OK. We hang out in his room till the not so wee hours of the morning chatting and watching youtube videos. Although we've been getting closer than that. However, whenever we get close, and I mean literally just lying down on his bed cuddled up together, I freak out. Completely. I get nervous and feel ill, my heart races (not in a loved up way!) and I just wanna get out of there. It's just happened again for the second time. First time, we managed to fall asleep together, although I was freaking out and left early in the morning. It's just happened again, we lay down, two mins later I needed to get outta there. I'm so angrily frustrated at myself but I dunno if this is something others can identify with.

The other thing. I don't think, or know if its relevant. I've liked a friend from home, literally for years. Its just something I've lived with, been too afraid to say anything, for fear of ruining the friendship, or maybe the facade that he might say yes. I recently, childishly (but for my own sanity!) deleted him from facebook and the like, and from my phone, not so I wouldn't contact him, but so I couldn't be reminded of him and his new relationship constantly. It was great to not think about him everyday! (it was in this first period that the first night with the guy happened), but last week he contacted me, now single, realising it had been months since we'd spoken, he wants to meet for a catch up if I'm free, of course there was a request to re add him on facebook again! And I did. I dunno if I'm meeting with him yet, I don't know if I can go through the whole vicious circle again.

Anyways, I don't know if the crush thing has an effect on the other guy thing. But I'm just so angry at myself, its been a couple of years since I've been in any kind of relationship. Maybe I'm rusty, maybe I've had a bang to the head! I don't know! But I'd appreciate it if anyone had any input because this is driving me nuts!

Thanks guys...

xxx

Former Member

:chin:

Can't really relate to this tbh. Maybe you panic cos you are friendly with this guy but subconciously you don't want it to be more than that? Although you say you noticed him when he moved in, so maybe you do like him but you are nervous about taking it any further? Really don't know tbh I just wanted to reply to you as nobody else had.

Former Member

Hi there chimera2_4 and welcome to the boards! :wave:

First of all, try not to be angry with yourself! It sounds like there’s lots going on and it’s easy to get frustrated that it’s not completely clear and easy to see your way through :banghead: - but, as lots of people on here will tell you, relationships are often just more complex than we'd like. But that's why we're here, to share experience and advice and help each other through!

It’s hard to tell from your post which of these guys you would prefer to be with – perhaps you don’t even know yourself at the moment - it’s certainly very easy to get caught between two people who come from different parts of our lives and who we like for different reasons. Maybe working this out might make things clearer. There’s an article on TheSite.org which explores the ups and downs of loving your best friend and whether you should tell them. This might help you think more clearly through your crush from home and whether you should talk to him about it.

If you decide you would like to try and see how things go with the guy from university, could talking to him about your worries help as well? It sounds like you’re really frustrated at how you are reacting to getting close to him. Have you mentioned anything to him? Sometimes just saying something like ‘sorry, I’m a bit nervous, haven’t been in a relationship for a while’ can take the pressure off and make you feel more relaxed and easy with each other.

Alternatively, as Fruit Loop suggests, it might be that you are getting nervous because, deep down, you don’t feel this is the guy for you. It’s really common to enjoy the flirting and getting close aspect of getting to know someone but not actually wanting it to go any further. Might this be because you haven’t got over this friend from home? Or because you can’t actually imagine yourself in a relationship with the guy from uni?

These are just a few thoughts, hopefully they will help a bit in helping you work out what you want to do next. Hope it becomes a bit clearer chimera and let us know how things go.

Former Member

Hi Fruit Loop and Fostress, thank you soooo much for your words.

The stuff you're saying I guess was in my head already. The guy from uni goes home in a month, its far enough away to not see him that often. It's always been in my head that this could never be a long term thing if anything were to happen.

I know I'm not over the guy at home. But i thought out of sight out of mind. I think either way I gotta find a way to tell him how I feel for closure's sake as its clearly having an effect on the rest of my life!

There's a big night out for all the uni folk tomorrow so I'll keep you guys updated.

Thanks again!

xx

Former Member

Glad to hear we helped a bit, sounds like things are getting a bit clearer - often even just writing things down helps!

have a good night tonight