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I can't do it anymore.
I. AM .HUMAN.
Hugs @Salix_alba_2019 it’s awful
I have friends (old and new) who are so supportive and patient with my mood swings and they've even noticed a 'glow' the moment I went cold on social media.
I'm getting the space to reflect and reconcile with myself and my mental health and I feel so fucking good right now.
Yet here I am, wondering if I should reach out to them and let them know that I'm sorry for my actions. I'm worried that their mental and emotional state may clash and there's no 'middle man' there to provide an outlet.
I wish I could make my peace and leave them be.
I'm so pissed at myself.
We’re always here if you ever need anything or just want to talk
(Not anything here, just annoyed with friendship group. Who knew group chats can be such q ballache
Trigger warning: mention of self-harm
I had to call my GP today after waiting 30 minutes past the appointed time, so a doctor can get back to me. My doctor thought this appointment was about alternative medication. But whoopsie, may have told a little white lie about that. Instead, I finally sat down and explain what the fuck I'm going through, way before I was even on fluoxetine. I explained to my doctor that I've been suffering with this for years, and how this antidepressant has actually helped me see that something was off with my mood patterns.
A lot of steps are required for the next stage but that's not why I'm venting.
I'm tired of constantly trying to explain my mental state to medical professionals.
I understand the focus on the depressive state but that doesn't mean I haven't attempted to mention other symptoms that affected my daily life: The impulsivity, reckless behaviour, racing thoughts, etc.
As if that isn't as important as the depressive state. At the end of the day, it's affecting my social circle, my daily life, etc.
I've spent the majority of my teen years trying to explain my symptoms for it to get boiled down to 'emotional issues,' 'emotional instability,' 'depression,' 'anger issues,' and probably a lot more that I can't remember. And I can sit here and say that things take time, cos honestly they do. And I'm grateful to receive the help that I'm getting now but where was it when I needed it most?
And I'm struggling to allievate this anger so here:
Received a text this morning from someone I bear no ill will against, and my mind is going nuts.
The text isn't bad. The situation isn't that bad either. It's just the thoughts, the paranoia and my emotions going through a fucking shitstorm again. And I'm sick and tired of going through this again. I'm tired of letting my emotions overcloud my judgements. I'm sick of being reduced into a shitty fucking mess, and having no control of my own damn emotions.
I could step away from the situation but I keep thinking 'I can't do that' cos the situations that trigger me aren't even that bad. My mind just clicks, and I lose my shit. And I can't help but think that all of this feels impossible, and I'm tired of dragging the people I care about into this emotionally taxing bullshit that are my issues that I constantly blow out of proportion cos my damn mind is just overthinking shit.
I'm tired, I'm scared and I'm just so fucking pissed.
I'm confused as to the state of my thoughts. How I can find it so easy to empathise with others, see their point of view, feel their pain. It's made me understand how complex people are, and allowed me to give people the benefit of the doubt with regards to how they're feeling and how they behave. Why then am I so unable to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to myself? I know there are good people, but I'm so paranoid that I think everyone is out to hurt me, humiliate me, trick me, steal from me... That the people I know will abandon me at the first possible opportunity. I don't trust anybody. I don't trust anybody and I'm trying to bury that feeling and allow myself some happiness but it's just so difficult.
I feel worthless... nobody could genuinely want me. There must be a trick. Or a game. I fall back on wanting to be left alone, by everybody, and for as long as possible. But then comes the consuming loneliness, the push for something more, and the eventual disappointment, pain and fear. The cycle repeats itself, over and over and over again.
1.Doing some work training and then printing all the certificates off
2. Putting the firsts time time table into my planner
3. Going for food and bowling with my friend tonight .
"The way that I have found the light in my life is through the expressive arts because I know that I will be accepted for the way I am." ~ Me
"I'm going to get strong again and see you soon. " ~ Anonymous
His been on his Xbox all day and he never knows what to talk about I think I should be his top priority and I’m not it’s clearly his Xbox 😩🥺🥺.
(Edit) just a few things on that list included a couple of people I was meant to see today being unwell, an absolute idiot of a driver nearly hitting us on the motorway, The satnav sending us the wrong way, my dog eating a plastic bag, the petrol pump being out of service and greggs messed up my hot chocolate so it wasn’t very nice.
Update: didn’t have to cancel. Had a great night out which really made my day better
I'm glad you've had a good end to a stressful day!
Hope you're doing well!
Heyy @Lovemimoon yeah, it was stressful and a very long day (been awake since 6am) but had a lovely ending and I’m glad we decided to go out after all. I so nearly didn’t, I really didn’t think I’d have a good time but I did in the end.
Hope you’re doing well too
Today has been shit