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Open relationships

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're not being unfaithful if you are sticking to the bounds of your relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's actually wrong to consider it 'wrong'. I think there is a distinct difference between what an individual wouldnt do personally and what they consider wrong for everyone else. I admit that I really cannot comprehend it myself and think it definitely wouldn't fit in with my emotions and need for monogamy but I can be open to the fact that my needs arent everyone's.

    Well indeed. As a general rule we tend to think that actions are wrong if they harm other people, and clearly open relationships, when they are genuinely consensual on all sides, don't harm anyone.

    It wouldn't be right for me, I know that much, mainly because I'm too insecure and needy and wouldn't be able to cope with the paranoia and the anxiety. Even though in loads of ways I think it's the ideal situation, if you are completely trusting and loving and committed; but you have to be perfectly confident and secure, and if you're not, it would lead to disaster. Also, I would worry that my partner might fall in love with one of the people he was sleeping with, and then we would be in trouble.

    I tried the friends with benefits thing once, it got horribly messy, I fell in love, he didn't love me, I got my heart broken and now we don't speak. So it's not for me, but if other people can make it work, then it's no one's business but their own.

    I wonder why some people feel the need to judge and pronounce on the propriety of other people's life choices though? Very odd.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    You're not being unfaithful if you are sticking to the bounds of your relationship.

    Surely there can be no bounds otherwise its not "open"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamelia wrote: »
    I wonder why some people feel the need to judge and pronounce on the propriety of other people's life choices though? Very odd.

    There are some people's life choices that are wrong. Open relationships are not, in my opinion, one of these 'wrong' choices. Sleeping with other people when you are in a closed relationship would though, in my opinion, be wrong.

    Paedophilia is wrong. Incest is wrong. They may be a life choices for someone, but I feel entitled to judge that these things are wrong. I am not in any way comparing these to open relationships, I'm just trying to illustrate the point that judging people's life choices is something we all do daily.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    Surely there can be no bounds otherwise its not "open"

    Not true. An open relationship is surely just one that's not a closed relationship. There can surely be agreements within that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    Surely there can be no bounds otherwise its not "open"

    eh?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sera wrote: »
    There are some people's life choices that are wrong. Open relationships are not, in my opinion, one of these 'wrong' choices. Sleeping with other people when you are in a closed relationship would though, in my opinion, be wrong.

    Paedophilia is wrong. Incest is wrong. They may be a life choices for someone, but I feel entitled to judge that these things are wrong. I am not in any way comparing these to open relationships, I'm just trying to illustrate the point that judging people's life choices is something we all do daily.

    Well obviously. Like I said, the boundaries of what are wrong are generally drawn by those actions which harm others, and those which don't.

    Paedophilia and incest harm people who haven't or aren't able to consent to them. Since open relationships harm nobody, I can't see why anyone would feel the need to pass any judgment on them at all. It's a classic case of each to their own.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sera wrote: »
    There are some people's life choices that are wrong. Open relationships are not, in my opinion, one of these 'wrong' choices. Sleeping with other people when you are in a closed relationship would though, in my opinion, be wrong.

    Paedophilia is wrong. Incest is wrong. They may be a life choices for someone, but I feel entitled to judge that these things are wrong. I am not in any way comparing these to open relationships, I'm just trying to illustrate the point that judging people's life choices is something we all do daily.

    I for one am not judging others life choices, i would be a bit of a hypocrite to do that i just struggle to understand the idea of open relationships from an emotional veiw point all i can see is jealousy and pain but i understane other people think in diffrent ways.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    eh?

    Well if a relationship is open i understand that to mean you can do what you like with who you like whenever you like, so how can there be boundaries ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    Surely there can be no bounds otherwise its not "open"
    That's not quite how it works though, is it? It's not cheating if you and your partner have agreed to have an open relationship, but that doesn't mean there aren't things which would push the boundaries of the individual relationships. It's like some people saying that kissing is cheating and others saying it's not cheating unless it's full on penetrative sex - it's up to the individuals to set their own boundaries.

    Part of me would love the idea of an open relationship. Particularly when things get a little monotonous. But then I know that I would never be able to deal with it even if he was willing to try it.

    I do envy anyone who is in one though. The level of trust and how secure you must be in yourselves is something I could never have.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    Its really hard for me to get my head around the fact that people in a loving relationship can be unfaithful to each other and still function as a couple.

    Probably because they don't see it as being unfaithful.

    At the moment I can see a distinction between love and the physical side of sex. I guess whether open relationships work for you or not, depends on whether you see your partner sleeping with someone else as being unfaithful, or having fun. Personally I'd actually have more of a problem with a partner spending a cosy evening in with someone else, snuggling up on the sofa and sharing a bed and spending the night cuddling then I would them having sex with someone else.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    It's only up to two people, isn't it? If John and Jane want to have an open relationship and I'm neither John nor Jane... why would it make any difference to me?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamelia wrote: »
    Paedophilia and incest harm people who haven't or aren't able to consent to them.

    Paedophilia without a doubt harms people. But incest? Clearly you are thinking along the lines of a parent or older relative who abuses the children in their family. Remember this isn't the only form of incest. There are plenty of cases of concentual incest between siblings. Distasteful, yes. Illegal, yes. But harmful? Not so sure. Anyway, it's off topic.

    In terms of open relationships, I know of many older couples (my parents' generation, products of the swinging 60's) who have had open relationships and have managed to maintain a healthy marriage. But, in these cases, those involved haven't been screwing around willy-nilly, if you'll pardon the expression. They have simply formed close friendships from time to time outside of the marriage with the full knowledge of their spouse. These aren't full-blown passionate, marriage-busting, affairs. Rather more akin to friends-with-benefits and, for that reason, some of them have gone on for years. In a way, open relationships are rather an old-fashioned idea, from an age when divorce was still frowned upon and marriages were often "arranged". These days, I can't really see that there is much point to them as it is normal to have several relationships before settling down and divorce is that much easier and attaches no taboo.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Paedophilia without a doubt harms people. But incest? Clearly you are thinking along the lines of a parent or older relative who abuses the children in their family. Remember this isn't the only form of incest. There are plenty of cases of concentual incest between siblings. Distasteful, yes. Illegal, yes. But harmful? Not so sure. Anyway, it's off topic.

    Well yeah, obviously! Jesus, there's a lot of pedantry going on today.

    Quite clearly, my point is: I don't give two shits who fucks who, as long as everybody is consenting and no one is harmed. And I don't really understand why anyone else would give a shit either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    chuckle
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll just fling my 2p in here.

    Two of my very good friends have an open relationship, they've been together a year and a half. They often have threesomes, sometimes just one of them does something with someone else. They're very open and very trusting of each other, and of all my good friends, they probably have the most stable relationship. I've done stuff with them, as have about a half dozen of our friends (at least.) They're happy how they are and are committed to each other, just not in the same way as other people view commitment. I genuinely believe that there is nobody I know who could tear them apart. They're just very happy being together and being with other people at the same time.

    Variety being the spice of life, and all that.

    My boyfriend and I have a slightly unconventional relationship as well, you could say. We're very happy together but we also like to experiment. We also get turned on by each other doing stuff with people of the same gender, so we have an agreement whereby we can do what we like with other people so long as we're open about it, we get to watch each other, and neither of us has sex with someone of the opposite gender.

    Then again, as you may have guessed from a previous post of mine about my relationship, it was never really going to be a 'normal' one.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Urban dictionary:
    An open relationship is a relationship where one person does not own the other.

    Huh? Does not being in a open relationship therefore mean taht I "own" my partner? Hell, it wasn't even in my marriage vows. Missed a trick there eh?
    In a true open relationship the couple will be fully honest with each other (unlike most regular relationships). They will not get pissed at each other for stupid things such as not ringing the day before, wearing a slutty top, passing out cold in a club, kissing that lesbian in the lift. Infact they will just love each other for who they are and support each other through times of need.

    That's not a open relationship. That's just an adult relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i have to say ive been in an "open relationship" and it ended in jealousy and anger, but then again i wasn't as "open" as he was...

    in summary i dont think they ever work out
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess, if I had to define my "relationship" at the mo, that I'd be in an open relationship. It kind of started because I didn't want a full relationship cos of the pressure it put on me, but I'm a very tactile person and so wanted the company. I've since grown to really respect this guy as a friend, and could even call him one of my closest friends, I guess. Yet I'm also quite clear that whilst he ticks a lot of my boxes, he doesn't tick all of them- and he's been very open and honest about his motives too. I actually trust him far more than any boyfriend I've ever had.

    I can sometimes get quite jealous and possessive, but funnily enough not in this relationship. I know I'm special to him and yes I'll be sad when the day comes when we drift apart, but I've also been speeddating etc with him and not been jealous about it.

    I think it works mainly because we are both very upfront and straightforward about things. We're not scared of saying things to each other and don't hide our feelings. We know where the other stands and what we're both after. It's working for us at the moment.
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