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Open relationships

**helen****helen** Mod malarkistDeactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
Where do you stand on the subject?

Freyja has strong views based on her experiences at the university of lust. Have a looky.

I've also been highly entertained by the definitions on Urban Dictionary, particularly this:
An open relationship is a relationship where one person does not own the other. The couple are not exclusively seeing each other and can date, flirt and hook up with other people should they wish to do so. In a true open relationship the couple will be fully honest with each other (unlike most regular relationships). They will not get pissed at each other for stupid things such as not ringing the day before, wearing a slutty top, passing out cold in a club, kissing that lesbian in the lift. Infact they will just love each other for who they are and support each other through times of need. Although other people will say they are sluts and it will never work, they onlys say this because they are jealous. In the end the couple will get bored of seeing other people because they realise they are the best two out there. Then they get married and have beautiful children. And retire together in Goa.

:lol:
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :rolleyes:

    it's a good thing applied psychologists don't have strong preconceptions about other people's motives and beliefs.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I kiss lesbians in lifts all the time. What's wrong with it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How is being in an open relationship and then dumping someone when you find a new person you'd rather be with any different to being in a closed relationship and dumping someone when you find a new person you'd rather be with?

    And from what I can read, her gripe isn't with actual open relationships at all, it's with cheating guys in pubs, who think the white lie of 'kind of seeing someone' or 'I'm in an open relationship' makes it ok to pull people in clubs with the guarantee that they won't be expecting anything more. That's somewhat different to a genuine open relationship.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    And from what I can read, her gripe isn't with actual open relationships at all, it's with cheating guys in pubs, who think the white lie of 'kind of seeing someone' or 'I'm in an open relationship' makes it ok to pull people in clubs with the guarantee that they won't be expecting anything more. That's somewhat different to a genuine open relationship.

    :yes: that's what I read too - she's ranting about her specific experience of 'open relationships' at uni - pretty valid imho.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i don't have a problem with other people being in open relationships.

    however, i'd never choose to be in one.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    And from what I can read, her gripe isn't with actual open relationships at all, it's with cheating guys in pubs, who think the white lie of 'kind of seeing someone' or 'I'm in an open relationship'.

    I think she goes out of her way to establish she isn't talking about that... despite it looking strongly like she actually is.

    But I can't be bothered with it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The Urban Dictionary defenition is probably how me (and most people at my school) would define an open relationship :p
    Xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **helen** wrote: »
    Where do you stand on the subject?

    I really don't understand it....same with people saying they're just out for casual fun. I think it's more a case of them not properly clicking with the other person - or there would be no temptation to see other people or fear in getting more serious in the first place. Fair enough if you meet someone and find a few dates down the line you find that you don't really gel for whatever reason - then it's time to move on - but to go into something and say right from the outset that you're going to shag around I find most bizarre.

    But then I've only ever snogged two guys and have been with my current boyfriend for 9 years so haven't really done the dating thing much and so I appreciate I must lack a bit of perspective on the topic. I'd be very interested to hear from people who are in 'proper' open relationships how it works for them....:confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Anything other than an open relationship suggests there is some special link between love and sex. I don't believe you can make love with some one you don't love, but I do believe you can have good sex with them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In my opinion, i think they'er are a little silly and wrong. I personally think they won't ever last, or go far... I just don't get, if you found someone you loved and wanted to be with? Errr why would you want to fuck anyone else, and why would you want them to fuck anyone else?....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is buying a house together going far? Is 18 years lasting?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    Anything other than an open relationship suggests there is some special link between love and sex. I don't believe you can make love with some one you don't love, but I do believe you can have good sex with them.

    As you can with someone you do love though...is 'good sex' only obtainable outside a loving relationship because all the love and fluffiness gets in the way? I suppose it all depends on the sex drive of the people concerned, maybe I'm lucky, but after 9 years I still get regular, hot sex from my bloke. I don't need my excitement from anywhere else.

    Do you think, then, that an open relationship can actually save things from going stale? In that way is it a relationship saver? Is that what it's all about??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Err... yes, of course you can have good sex with someone you love. I never said otherwise.

    It's not about being a relationship saver - unlike closed relationships where sex is restricted to make each other dependant on the other for sex.

    Do things go stale in cliosed relationships more than open ones?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not sure about going stale but I'd guess that you'd have more opportunity to break things off if things did become stale. I could never do it personally. We need to track down one of these open relationship folk :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But who would want to come here, to have people try to work out what was "wrong" with their relationship? To describe them as silly, as uncommitted?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I feel that a relationship requires comitment from both people to each other, without that surely its just a friendship ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    But who would want to come here, to have people try to work out what was "wrong" with their relationship? To describe them as silly, as uncommitted?

    I see what you mean. I'm just interested because I really can't comprehend. Maybe they have one of those real life stories somewhere on here. I'll go looky
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    I feel that a relationship requires comitment from both people to each other,

    It certainly does. Now what's that got to do with sex?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    It certainly does. Now what's that got to do with sex?

    Can you be comitted and go elsewhere for sex then ? Not in my opinion you cant.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Louisek wrote: »
    Can you be comitted and go elsewhere for sex then ? Not in my opinion you cant.

    That nice for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I see what you mean. I'm just interested because I really can't comprehend

    Same here. Nothing I've written was meant to be judgmental - just random stream of conciousness musings.

    It's almost certainly all a matter of different strokes for different folks, and we of us who can't get it won't be able to get it.

    It's not a matter of not being able to divorce sex from love, but if I do get a damn good sex life with my partner, what's the need to go for fun times elsewhere when it can be got at home? There's also the emotional angle - I think you have to be made of strong stuff not to care when your partner goes off with someone else, even if it's all above board.

    I dunno....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    That nice for you.

    Sorry what do you mean ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I mean that that's a bit irrelevant really. If someone had suggested that an open relationship was right for you, or that all relationships should be open, then that would be of interest, but as that isn't what's been suggested, it's a bit pointless really.

    Or, to put it another way, what's right for me isn't necessarily right for you.

    Or, as a prurient example, I wouldn't want to have a threesome with my partner, because I feel that what happens between us is so very intimate and private - but I would have no objection to having a threesome with another couple, because they might not have that belief.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't understand peoples problem with the concept of an open relationship, it seems like the most natural thing in the world to me. If somebody likes someone else too, does that mean they like you less? We're not expected to have only one close friend, so why are we expected to have only one lover?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    It's not about being a relationship saver - unlike closed relationships where sex is restricted to make each other dependant on the other for sex.

    I'm not sure that this is the case. I don't think that I'm in a closed relationship purely so that my other half has to have sex with me.

    I'm in a closed relationship because I don't want to have sex with anyone else and, probably more relevantly, because I don't want my other half to have sex with anyone else. This is not necessarily because I want him to have to come to me if he wants to have sex, I just don't want him to go to anyone else.

    I freely admit that I would have severe jealousy issues if my partner had sex with anyone else. It would also erode the trust in our relationship. We are in a relationship that does not allow us to have sex with other people. This is I suppose the agreement that we made.

    This makes sense in my head, but I'm struggling to explain it very well I'm afraid.

    I have no problem with other people having open relationships, but it would not suit our relationship. However, if the unthinkable were to happen and we were to split up, I wouldn't rule out an open relationship with the right person. I think relationships have to be an agreement between two people, and whatever makes them both happiest is the way things should be for them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    We're not expected to have only one close friend, so why are we expected to have only one lover?

    That's the thing. If someone comes to these boards and says "my other half doesn't like me seeing any of my friends," we all say "ooohh... sounds like a controlling relationship, you're probably better off out of it."
    When someone says "My partner doesn;t like me seing any of my opposite sex friends on my own" some people say "Well, that's understandable" but more still say "That's unreasonable."
    When somene says "My boyfriend complanis that I keep flirting" it's about half and half between those that say "You shouldn't flirt" and 'it's harmless"
    If we get as far as a wet kiss (other than a same sex one purely for the titillation of an opposite sex partner) then the majority say it's gone too far.

    So there is no black and white this is OK, andthis is not" - it's down to what is right for the individuals involved.

    But it's certainly not OK to tell someone you're in an open relationship if your partner doesn't know that that is the case.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sera wrote: »
    I'm not sure that this is the case. I don't think that I'm in a closed relationship purely so that my other half has to have sex with me.

    No, I don't really think so either. But if people can say I'm in a open relationship with someone because I'm just waiting for something better, or because it's a effort to save a stale relationship, then I think it's OK to make similar disparaging comments about closed relationships.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    No, I don't really think so either. But if people can say I'm in a open relationship with someone because I'm just waiting for something better, or because it's a effort to save a stale relationship, then I think it's OK to make similar disparaging comments about closed relationships.

    Fair enough.

    Why are you in an open relationship then? I've explained (or tried to) why I'm in a closed one. I think it would be interesting for someone in an open relationship to say why it's right for them.

    (Having typed this, I'm thinking that the answers will just come back 'because it just is right for us' or similar, but I'm interested anyway).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its really hard for me to get my head around the fact that people in a loving relationship can be unfaithful to each other and still function as a couple. My idea of an open relationship and i know i am probably wrong here but to me an open relationship is a casual relationship no offence to anyone in one but that is how i see it.
    I would be devastated if someone i loved was going elsewhere for sex, comfort, or more.
    I cant be the only one who struggles with the udea.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's actually wrong to consider it 'wrong'. I think there is a distinct difference between what an individual wouldnt do personally and what they consider wrong for everyone else. I admit that I really cannot comprehend it myself and think it definitely wouldn't fit in with my emotions and need for monogamy but I can be open to the fact that my needs arent everyone's.
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