Teasing - how much is too much?

Former Member

Hey all,

This may sound like a stupid problem but it's really getting me down recently. Feel free to ignore if I'm just whining about nothing!

Basically, my boyfriend teases me all the time. I really don't like it - it just makes me feel insecure and needy because I feel like I hardly ever have him being genuine and romantic with me. I have to stress that it's not like it's deliberate bullying, but more like he just thinks he's being funny but ignores the fact that I really don't like it. I see other friends with their boyfriends and can never imagine them being spoken to in the same way. It's just silly stuff like when I call him he'll often say 'oh it's you, what do you want?' which could just be a silly joke but most of the time he'll then actually want to get rid of me as quickly as possible, which makes me feel like it's not really a joke but him using the 'joke' to express his real feelings. When I get really excited about something he'll often call me a loser or knock me down for it so I don't feel like I can share things with him when I know he'll just think it's stupid.

When I've confronted him about it in the past he has just told me that he has a different sense of humour to me, but recently I know I've been really getting to him too because whenever he makes one of these 'jokes' I react badly, which leads to him telling me I have no sense of humour and that he can never have a laugh with me, which makes me feel worse, which makes me react even worse the next time he says something mean to me.

It's bad enough that other people have noticed and made comments about it.

Please help me, I don't know what to do. I am driving him mad by being so 'oversensitive' but he is really upsetting me.

Former Member

It's too much once it is upsetting to you. You may have different levels of sensitivity but, he needs to take your feelings in to account.

Some people have friendships where it is their thing that they kinda take the piss out of each other, which is fine if it's taken in good humour.

In this case, you are not taking his jibes in good humour, and so it is not ok for him to continue. I don't think you're being 'oversensitive', you are offended by what you are offended/hurt by. I think he is being under-sensitive.

I don't know a way for you to make him understand this and not do it though but, I would feel the same way.

Do you feel like the relationship is going somewhere and you want to work to save it, and does he feel the same way?

Former Member

okay this is SO familiar and i know exactly what you mean. i could have written this post at one time. its okay every now and then, them saying 'oh its you, what do you want' if its a joke but if its every time, it starts getting you down doesnt it? even if you try to believe its a joke. i used to feel exactly the same about not sharing things anymore cos i'd just feel stupid.

i hate getting too personal on the boards these days buttt. i dont know what i can say as you said you've already confronted about it and hes not listening. he should be realising that its upsetting you and that he cant treat you this way, maybe he thinks you're not being serious when you confront him? in my case, the way it worked for me is we actually broke up (not just over the teasing thing) and when we got back together 4 months later we had a massive chat, i told him how i felt and i think its only then he really realised how serious i was about it. since we got back together its been perfect :]

i echo what katralla said, is this a long term relationship with a future etc? if not id just get out of there, you're worth more.x

Former Member

Is he like this with his friends? Are his parents like this with him?

If it's what he sees as normal behaviour then it's going to be hard for him to stop doing it - and if it's what he sees as showing affection, then he's going to be hurt and confused when it hurts you. But how much is to much? it's when you stop thinking its funny, not when it starts to upset you. He does need to change, or you need to change, or both - otherwise it isn't going to work.

If, on the other hand, he's only like this with you, it looks like the start of controlling behaviour, undermine you, drain your self confidence, make others think less of you - and so on. And we all know there's only one thing to do in a relationship like that.

Former Member

i know a couple that are like this and i think its wrong really, he needs to tone down the banter if he wants you to be comfortable out and about with him in my opinion. i like to have some banter with friends and family but i know when to stop and they know there are no go areas with me as well and stuff.

Former Member

Sounds to me your boyfriend is a passive aggressive wuss who tries to terrorize you out of this relationship because he is too much of a pansy to tell you directly what he's feeling or not feeling anymore, thereof.

Former Member

have you ever watched a TV show were the husband is akways putting down his wife? have you ever paid attention to why? he knows shes got it and can dump in a second if sshe ever thought she deserved better, so he thinks by putting her down shell stay with him because she thinks she cant do any better. if that makes sense...

Former Member

Thank you all for your replies.

Yes, it's a long term relationship. We're in our mid twenties and have been together 3 and a half years so it's not exactly a fledgling romance!

I know I've probably made it sound like he's terrorising me or putting me down all the time but it's not really like that. Just more like he doesn't know when to stop. And yes, he has that kind of banter with his family and friends too - even with his mum - so it's not like he's only like that with me, or like it's only behind closed doors. He seems to feel genuinely hurt when I get upset about it, because he thinks he just can't have a laugh with me. Sometimes I give as good as I get but sometimes I'm just NOT in the mood and he doesn't get that.