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Force yourself to have sex with someone? (Ladies opinions please)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I would like it if the ladies could give me an answer to this question please.

If you were to have sex with someone (a one night stand with someone you already know) and you didn't find them that attractive, and weren't that turned on, would you still force yourself to sleep with them?

My ex told me that she slept woth someone after we broke up. She knew the guy previously and said that it just happened, ewven though she wasn;t attracted to him. She also told me that he didn't try to stimulate her with his fingers or go down on her - he just got hard and stuck it in her basically.

She told me that it hurt her because she wasn't turned on by him and that he ripped her so badly that she thought she was on her period the next day because she bled.

I just can't understand how you could put yourself through that, surely if it hurt so much you would tell that person to stop?
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Did she actually consent because that sounds like she didn't. Is she upset?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just don't get how she couldn't stop though. And the bit about no foreplay sounds like a lie too, Ive had one night stands and although I've never got into foreplay the way I would if I was in a relationship, I still do it to get things started.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps she assumed that she'd get turned on once things got going, or perhaps didn't know how bad it would be, and then didn't want to look stupid by asking him to stop.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    perhaps she wasn't expecting it and froze, which is a normal reaction.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    Did she actually consent because that sounds like she didn't. Is she upset?


    Yes, she consented. It was her who "probably led him on".

    No, she says she regrets it but I think thats just because it wasn't enjoyable and she isn;t a one night stand kind of person
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Perhaps he didn't know to use foreplay
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Those were her words, she "probably led him on". If a fried told me that story I would hug them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    Perhaps she assumed that she'd get turned on once things got going, or perhaps didn't know how bad it would be, and then didn't want to look stupid by asking him to stop.

    Yeah, I'd believe that if she told me that, but she just keeps telling me she doesn;t know why - whiuch makes me think she did enjoy it. I would understand it if she said she enjoyed it, but the more she tells me how bad it was, the more disgusted I get that she actually forced herself through this just for sex and I don't want to think that the person I love and wanted to have a family with would be like that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    she keeps telling you that she doesn't know why she didn't stop him, and you're taking that to mean that she must have enjoyed it? Those two things don't correlate in my mind, that's your assumption and it doesn't ring true to me. It sound like an absolutely dreadful sexual experience. How could she possibly have enjoyed it? He entered her before she was aroused and left her torn and bleeding.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe a bot of background would help -

    I am trying to understand if this situation has or would happen normally because in my mind, I would say stop if it was me, and if I was hurting a girl that much I would stop.

    It was a one night stand and she's telling me this, I think she's saying she didn't enjoy it to make me feel better (we are considering getting back together) and all I want is for her to tell me the truth. I can get that we split up and she had a one nighter and if she enjoyed it then fair play to her; but it really gets to me that if her story is true that she could do that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    geneve wrote: »
    If it was more than a few painful.... strokes? I would definately call for a time out and re-group!


    Exactly! But she told me it went on for around ten minutes. Is that possible that a consenting woman could put up woth that much pain for so long without saying "stop"?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jazza wrote: »
    Yeah, I'd believe that if she told me that, but she just keeps telling me she doesn;t know why
    Because when something goes that horribly wrong you don't want to think about it?

    I don't think she forced herself through this because she wanted sex. I can believe she got herself in the situation because she wanted sex, and then didn't know how to get herself out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You don't trust her, getting together with her when you don't trust her doesn't sound like a good idea to me. I can't understand what you find so hard to believe.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    Because when something goes that horribly wrong you don't want to think about it?

    I don't think she forced herself through this because she wanted sex. I can believe she got herself in the situation because she wanted sex, and then didn't know how to get herself out.

    To be fair, I can see why. She was miles from home and had accepted a place to stay from him so probably thought that if she refused him sex after starting it that she was being rude, for want of a better word.

    I think the problem here is me trying to get my head around the whole thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I've been in the position of trying to have sex because I didn't know how to say no, but firstly it wouldn't have been painful for me, and it's a bit harder to go with some things if things wont stay hard.

    I say "think" because it's something I avoided thinking about, and it was a long time ago now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    You don't trust her, getting together with her when you don't trust her doesn't sound like a good idea to me. I can't understand what you find so hard to believe.


    When we were going out, once when we were getting intimate, I got a bit ahead of myself and wanted intercourse before she was ready and she shouted at me and didn't speak to me until the next day - and that was without me even putting it in! So for her to let a guy actually hurt her for ten minutes so much that she would bleed the next day does make me wonder a bit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You were in a relationship, presumably she could say a lot of things to you that she couldn't say to other people, or relative strangers -that is the beauty of relationships.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    . I can't understand what you find so hard to believe.

    I think it's that she didn't stop it - because, you know, who wouldn't. I'm only guessing, but I think if I found myself in that situation, feeling that pain, I'd panic, and not be thinking at all clearly - making bad decisions.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you want to get back with her successfully Jazza, you need to be able to trust what she says, so this incident reveals a deeper issue really -can you trust her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay you've got it right.

    katralla - I completely understand the stance you've taken throughout this thread, and I am a sympathetic person but I just can't get my head around the whole thing. I just wish that she could tell me what I know in my heart of hearts I want to hear
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    If you want to get back with her successfully Jazza, you need to be able to trust what she says, so this incident reveals a deeper issue really -can you trust her?


    Trust has always been the issue in our relationship to be honest with you. I want to be able to, but I have to know if she's the kind of person who would hurt herself to spite me because that's a side to her that I've never seen before in the 3 years I've known her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i might be wrong but it sounds like, to me, shes maybe exagerating how bad it was and saying she didnt really want it because she wants to get back together with you so much, she thinks thats the way to go about it. instead of saying 'yep i had sex with somebody else, it was awesome' in her mind it seems like it'd be so much better to say it was bad because she thinks thats what you want to hear, and shes desparately trying to smooth things over about it all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You want to hear that she enjoyed it really, that she wasn't in this horrible situation?

    Because that would stop you feeling guilty.

    Yes this happened. Yes, if you hadn't split up it wouldn't have happened. But it's not your fault.

    The other guy should have known better, but didn't. She should have stopped it, but couldn't or didn't. Shit happens, but hopefully everyone learns from it - and hopefully she'll get over it at some point - because sex is going to mentally and emotionally be difficult for her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's the thing though, we're still sleeping together. So it isn't like she finds it hard because she's traumatised - which makes me think she's lying.

    I want to hear that she enjoyed it because then it would be normal, it would make sense to me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you said this was after you broke up, maybe it wasnt just about a one night stand, maybe she wanted a one stand hoping it wolud help her get over you....maybe she didnt say stop because she felt like she deseved all that pain for thinking that a one night stand with this guy she knew would help at all. just a theory....
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I were her, I would want you to look me in the eye and tell me that it's ok, that you understand and that there's nothing to forgive, just things to forget by replacing them with better memories. Then you would stop looking in my eyes and hold me really tight against your chest.

    That's my female perspective on it. But, you're not going to be able to do that until you firstly believe her, and secondly understand it a bit. Which is obviously what you're trying to do in this thread.

    She won't have had bad sex to spite you, that doesn't make sense. It makes much more sense that she wanted a regular bit of one night stand saucy fun and things went wrong when the sex was bad. Like Big Gay has said, there are plenty of understandable reasons why she would not stop the sex, or not know how to in those circumstances. There is often an added element of pressure if you are in someone's house, you both were expecting sex and you have no way of getting home easily if things turn sour. In some ways, it is understandable that it could seem easier to go along with things.

    She won't necesarily be traumatised.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It might be because she's slept with you before that she knows she can trust you, or it might not have traumatised her at all, because she knows how it should be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In those last two posts, you guys have just reminded me of what I would have done and thought before I forgot how to trust. Thanks for helping me understand and put things into perspective guys :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    good luck
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One often reads about women who have "non-concentual" sex, who are hurt during the encounter, but who don't report it as rape simply because they either "knew the guy beforehand" or "lead him on" or both. Believe me, women's magazines are full of such stories. I think your ex has been traumatised by the incident, is embarrassed and shamed, and wants your forgiveness and understanding.

    I've done it myself. Though with not such painful-sounding consequences. I was lonely and everyone else seemed to be having a great time except me. So I hit on a man who seemed to be interested. I made all the running, so the guy just had to get hard ... I wasn't aroused, but I could hardly back out at that stage.

    Needless to say it was totally unsatisfactory, and the guy had absolutely zilch respect for me. Just got up and put his trousers back on. If we had been friends before we weren't after.

    Shaming? You bet. But it does happen. It was a long time ago and only my best girlfriend knows. I can talk about it here because you don't know me.
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