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Desperate...need some kind of help. Anything.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello all

I am 19 years old, soon to be 20 and have suffered from recurrent major depression for the last six years. I've tried everything and nothing has worked. I've been in/am in therapy, which helped a little, for a time, but now I'm back to where I started. I've been on anti-depressants (am on them now) and they haven't worked. I've begged and pleaded with God to take this pain away from me and He hasn't. I've begged just for comfort in dealing with this, and I've gotten none. I don't know what else I can do. I just can't imagine a future filled with all this pain. Constantly being depressed, overwhelmingly sad and hurting and feeling worthless with no real cause. I know it sounds illogical and like a sad pity-party but I honestly feel like no one really loves me, or that no one would care too much if I died. Sure, they would be sad for a while as everyone is when someone else dies, but no one would be completely miserable and heart-broken if I were to be gone.

I love someone who doesn't love me back (that's not why I'm depressed, its just one more thing that hurts a lot), and I know that they will never love me back. They don't even know about my depression, and they don't love me now, so I can't imagine if I actually told him about how depressed I am, how severe it is, how much I hate myself and want to die sometimes, how I cry for hours on end for no reason, just that I hurt, I know that he would be scared away and could never love me. He might want to help, but he wouldn't love me. How can anyone love someone so messed up in the head, who is such a downer. Wouldn't they just be miserable being with someone like me?

Thats one of the worst parts of this depression. Not just the pain itself, but knowing that most people could never love and be close to and be happy with someone like me, in this situation, or if they could, I would know that when I am depressed and sad and hurting I am making them miserable. I couldn't live with that.

It just hurts so much to know that I will probably never be loved by someone in that way. I can't imagine a life like this, alone. Its just not fair. Why won't it go away?! I've tried everything. I want nothing more than to be loved. Even if I had to keep this depression and live with it for the rest of my life, I would manage if it meant I would be loved by someone; I just can't see anyone loving someone like me. No one would choose to be with someone like me forever. What a miserable life they would have.

I don't even know what I expect by posting this. I just had to express this to someone. I've sought help so suggesting I get some isn't going to help me. I guess I just want to know if others have been there...is there really any hope? I've been dealing with this for so long and done everything and I just can't see it going away. Have you ever loved or been loved by someone who is depressed? I just can't see there being any hope for me. Hopefully I'm wrong, but I just can't feel like I am. :crying:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey lolitasub,

    i do know how your feeling i promise and i know that doesnt make it any better but its nice to know your not alone.

    When i was with my boyfriend i had some really happy times and i asked him if he felt like basicly what you wrote in your post and he said of course not i love you and you make me so happy, dont know if that helps but it proves that you can have a relationship with someone when you have depression and that they arent misserable People will care if you die and your family and anyone who is close to you for that matter will be devastated and heart broken if you were to die. I am currently in therapy and it is helping a bit but then as you said i went back to how i started for some people therapy is not the way to get better it just depends on what sort of person you are and how much you can share. As for your pills i suggest you go to your therapist and say they arent working because some pills dont work for certain people. They will most likely change the pills your on.

    Ive spent so much time on getting people to like me and i have realised that its not about the people who dont like you its about the people that do. As for telling him about whats going on with you i dont know what your situation is, was he your friend before you liked him? are you close? You will have to judge whether or not to tell him. As for knowing he will never love you back how can you be positivley sure?

    None of that probably helped at all but maybe even if its just a bit of it did i will be please :) take care and i hope to see how your doing soon x :heart:


    (i wish id listen to myself)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hi lolitasub,

    i know it's really frustrating when people say 'i understand' because you can't imagine how they possibly ever could. but i do understand, i am 20 and have been in the same position as you for almost 7 years. i was originally diagnosed with major depression but for me it has been less episodic and more continuous, so the diagnosis has been changed round many times. i'm a psychology student too so i understand from both a personal and a clinical perspective. i know how frustrating it is to feel that your treatment is getting you nowhere; you see people around you who have typical episodes of depression (ie. they get ill, get treated, get better and move on) and you wish that you could get better too, in fact not even that, just that it would ease for a while. but just because you don't feel that things have worked so far doesn't mean that they never will. i know what that pain is like, i honestly do, that deep ache in your tummy, the tears that keep coming even though there is nothing to be upset over. even when on the surface things seem to be going ok, the pain inside you carries on and it's heartwrenching. no one can truly appreciate how utterly, deeply broken you feel, how the word 'future' makes you laugh because it seems like such a ridiculous concept. i understand so badly.

    but the thing is, it gets better, it has to. there are far more treatment options than those which are offered in the first instance, there are a whole array of therapies and medications which different people respond to differently. the illness can be caused by a few different hormones in your brain and doctors can't know which ones, which is why not all antidepressants work for everyone. it might be that the ones they are giving you don't match your chemical imbalance (if you have one) which is why you don't feel they are taking effect. how long have you been on your current course, and how often is it reviewed?

    when you make sweeping statements against yourself, try to think of evidence to counter them. i know that seems impossible when you feel so negative about yourself. but when you say 'no one loves me' for example, try to think of a list of people who do love you and care about you. when you think that there is no reason for you to live, try to think about the things you have that you are good at or that you are able to do. start with the smallest things. depression is sly and you have to sometimes physically tell it that it is wrong, that you are NOT a bad person and that you don't deserve the pain.

    i always thought i could never be loved, that i was fundamentally unloveable. and as much as i try to tell my boyfriend that i am not worth loving, he keeps loving me. it might be that the person you want to be with isn't the right one, it might be that you won't meet the right person for a while yet, but it doesn't mean that the person doesn't exist. there are an awful lot of people who have a mental health problem, either currently or in the past, who are loved and who love. if someone can't handle your illness then they don't deserve you and they are not the right person. but please don't think that there is no one out there for you, because there is absolutely no reason why that should be the case. one day you will find someone who loves YOU, who doesn't see depression as part of you but just as something to work past, who loves the person you are and who is willing to fight it with you. i promise you. if there's no way it can happen with the person you like then try to accept that and let them go. concentrate on getting yourself well and taking care of yourself.

    i hope this has helped, at least a little bit. life won't always be this way, we are young and we have a lot of years ahead of us. please hang in there, and post here as much as you need to. there are lots of people who have been through this and come through the other side, it can be done.

    take care honey.
    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :heart: Hey there lolitasub.

    I am also 19 and know it's bloody difficult being in your state of mind. Alot of people on here will be feeling pretty similar to you right now, just want you to know that you are not alone.

    There is someone out there for you, you just have to live for the moment hun and don't worry about what other people think of you.

    Knowbody is perfect and I am sure there has been a time where you have felt happy??? Try and focus on this happy thought.

    thinking of you and keep your chin up, and believe that you are beautiful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Everyone's a little depressed in some way, I think. Me, I have no money, get sick all the time and I hate most people. But there's always someone worse. Hang in there.
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