Am Lost

Former Member

Am lost at the moment i am really struggling with 2 beautiful babies.
I have suffered Bulemia for nealy 16 years sometimes its worse than other times but at the moment its awful, my self harming has also crept into my life again to and i just feel so allown. I am 30 and live with my partner who is 30 years older than myself, we met whilst we lived abroad when life was very fast with drugs and drink. We left abroad and returned to were he lives up North after i was raped. Drink helped numb the pain for a while but ended up running my life for a while it just dulled the pain and bad nightmares i had started having. Once i found out i was Pregant i stopped taking any form of recreational drug and drink and everything seemed good for the first time in my life that i can remember, after she was born i struggled found it really difficult to leave the house. No friends no family support and my life lacked youth and excitment. With me off the drink the nightmares got so server that panick attcks began and have never stopped from that moment, this is why its easier to stay in doors than go out the thought of leaving the house myself makes me feel physically sick. My partner has no idea of the extent of mental health he thinks am just clumsey when i have cut myself and how av not ran out of excuses lord only no's? I have 2 girls now 1 at the age of 2 and one at the age of 6 months, i love my girls with all my heart and wouldnt want anything to hurt my girls including if i take this problem to far they could end up with no mum and that would be just the worst thing i could imagine for them, i should no my Dad was killed in a horrific accident were he was working on the railway and they forgot dad was on the tracks and reversed a freight train right over the top of him so i no whats its like to loose someone close to you but i just cant seem to pick myself up from were i am at the moment, some people may call me selfish ar an attention seeker but this is pushed to the back off your mind when you start to punish yourself \:

Former Member

Sounds like you really need someone to talk to. Maybe you could start by going to see your gp and tell them how you feel.
Even print this thread off if you can't find the right words.

Everything can be ok, but you need to seek the help you need x

Former Member

Thankyou for your kind words i do want to go and see my G.P its just am so afraid that if they see that i am self harming they may think am not fit to look after my children and that certainly is not the case , i take all my frustration and anger out on myself and if i feel like am goin to loose it when the girls are around i disappear into my room for 10 mins some times to cut myself other times just to lie on my bed and have a cry which i seem to do alot of at the moment how sad, Two wonderful children and i still fel so low and very depressed just cant seem to lift myself out of it this time.

Former Member

I'm sure they wont think that plus social services are there to help familys stay together. The fact that you sought help would be a big bonus in your favour.

Do please seek help so the kids can have a happy healthy mummy x

Former Member

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low right now, its an awful feeling when everything seems to get you down it becomes harder and harder to get back to normal. I think you really should go and chat to your gp health workers are there to help so use them, although its never ideal sometimes just a short course of tablets is enough to break that circle you are stuck in. Can you not confide in your husband or a close friend it sounds as if you need someone to hold your hand for a while and share your journey, if you feel really low your gp can probably put you in touch with someone who will listen to you and offer practical help to get you through this.Please dont starve yourself that will just make you feel even lower.
I know these words cant help much but maybe the thouight that some people are thinking of you will help raise a smile.
Take Care xxx

Former Member

Louisek wrote: »

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low right now, its an awful feeling when everything seems to get you down it becomes harder and harder to get back to normal. I think you really should go and chat to your gp health workers are there to help so use them, although its never ideal sometimes just a short course of tablets is enough to break that circle you are stuck in. Can you not confide in your husband or a close friend it sounds as if you need someone to hold your hand for a while and share your journey, if you feel really low your gp can probably put you in touch with someone who will listen to you and offer practical help to get you through this.Please dont starve yourself that will just make you feel even lower.
I know these words cant help much but maybe the thouight that some people are thinking of you will help raise a smile.
Take Care xxx

You will be plased to no i didnt starve my self am a bulemic and need food to be sick just cant help that now its the Norm for me av done it for so long now, I have however totally sliced my arm up yesterdays being so bad that my partner saw the cut and asked how i had done it More lies came out my mouth i told him on a dog food tin how he belived that god only no'e as this cut is about 2 inches above my right wrist; i am right handed and usually cut my left arm as i have more control of the blade, i just had to many cuts on my left arm and i just needed to cut myself without being reminded of the other times i have cut myself recently, anyway he told me i had to go to A& E to get it cleaned and dressed as it was a little deep( me personaly if he hadnt seen would have done a patch up job with a dressing and i bandage instead its all been noted i have been in the hospital with a laseraton to my arm . I did tell her about the tin but she wasnt buying my excuse i suppose she was just doing her job and very well indeed as i can be very convincing, she asked me what medication i was on first just before she looked at the cut and and i explained i have citralopram, diazapan and a beater blocker helps with my panick attackes and stops my heart from pouding out my chest the diazapan calm me down a little when i have to leave the house; the nurse then noticed the scars on my arm and asked when and were they were from? She then asked me was it really a tin that made this cut on my arm and i kept saying yes until she said listen i wouldnt be doing my job right if i didnt follow through with this now i myself think you have done this with a blade of some discription and if your right handed why are you opening a tin with your left well i wasnt expecting so many questions and just said ok yes your right couldnt believe i had told her the truth. She was lovely she told me that she dosnt judge and did i feel like it was a stress relief when i cut and in a kind of way yes it is but a bit deeper to. She cleaned me up dressed the arm gave me some more dressings and tape obviously for the other cuts i was hiding from her she wasnt stupid! she did ask if i wanted to talk to someone whilst i was there but i said no thankyou as i have an appointmant for an assessment on the 8th March so al just wait. As for Social services i will never get them involved you see once you do thats it your children are on watch 24/7 and i am not risking my children being taken off me because no matter what you or anyone else says thats what they do to make sure they look like they are doing there jobs properly when there not they target the wrong people like me who is an excellent mum none of my problems are shown infront of my children self harming behind closed doors and they dont see, social services should be targeting the parents on Heroin and methadol i have seen people on this with there children and its pure neglect as the drug comes before ther children besides the gouching while the children are right infront of them and its sick. They are ill so should be admitted into rehab and need to be told to go and clean up or loose there child/ children til they are fit enough, Nobody should have to go through loosing there child to the social services but in some circumstances it is better for the child but in my case it is not, and this is why i am going for an assessment with the mental health team to see if i can get this problem under control somehow and lift this depression to. I would like to thankyou for talking to me and i have found talking to names not faces really helps and makes me feel like i can really open up and talk sometimes talking does lead to me cutting myself sometimes as i do disgust myself and feel embarressed with what i feel especially with the 2 wonderful children i have. So lets see what today has instore for me , i dont plan things anymore i have to take an hour at a time through my day to day so al close my post now and thank you again for replying to me.

Former Member

Hi, well i am sorry to hear you had such a bad weekend that cut sounds really bad i am glad you got treatment for it. I understand how you feel about social services but there are other people you can turn to when you feel like cutting yourself have you thought about the samaratains, they are always there to talk things through and will support you without any judgement at all, i know how hard it can be to open up to people face to face so maybe that is an option for you. I don't really know much about self harming but there are others on here who do maybe you could read some posts on here and see how they cope and even the things they do instead of cutting.
Is your husband really blind to what you are doing or is he just in denial about it, maybe he is scared to bring up the subject as well i do feel you need more support from him or someone else close to you.
Keep us posted and i hope your appoiment on the 8th goes well.
Take care and stay safe
XX

Former Member

just wanted to send hugs. I can relate to a lot of what you say. Youve had a really difficult time. Are you on any medication for your mental health? I would certainly try and speak to a doctor if you havent already

Former Member

I have no friends up here and my partner really dosnt understand how people can be depressed he just cant grasp it. He thinks that its a diognosis from doctors when they think your havin a bad day and thats about it really and anti depressents are a waste of time he thinks its a drug which only benefits the pharmasutical companies which provide them to the doctors. I have tried to explain depression is a chemical inbalancement in the brain which Anti depressents can correct over a period of time but he just puts blinkers on and what he thinks is right and as you can tell he is quite opinionated, that might be the age thing creepin in with him being 30 years older and makes him 60 years old. I have always been brought up to respect my elders and never back chat them but i feel like sometimes i am bullied because of this, or rail roaded into agreeing with his or people older than myselfs decisions on things. I just no if he was to find out i was self harming he would just not get it , it would be incomprehensable to him and maybe lead to me feeling more worthless than i already feel and oh the embarressment if he was to no! i am cringing its just a very shamefull thing to do i just cant stop and you see when am cutting myself i feel no pain just a sence of overwelming relief. Just had a call from my health visitor and she is coming out to see me so i could maybe tell her my problems except she is bringing a student with her so am unsure how i feel about that? am closing now gota go x

Former Member

Well we all need to respect our elders for sure but in your case this is your husband, your partner in life and so you are his equal and respect is a two way street which means he should listen to you and accept what you say even if he he does'nt agree or understand he should just stand by you through this. I hope you are able to speak to your health visitor about this it really could be your first step to feeling better even if you dont mention the self harming at this point just that you are finding things hard.
How about your friends from where you lived before is there not anyone there you can confide in.
Stay strong and take any help offered.

Former Member

Its been a while since i last wrote and things, havent got any better, infact they have got much worse. The Tablets thats i have been prescribed for a few years now the Doctor decided to try me on some other one's. Theses tablets they say take 2 weeks before they start to work well am on 4 weeks and am feeling terrible. Saturday just gone a was at braking point and needed out the house which it unusual for me espcially with my agraphobia. I got into my car myself and just drove round the local estate and village . The tears just kept streamin down my face as the realisaton that i am totally allown sank in, I had not one person that i could turn to not one person i could cry my heart out to and it made me realise that if i have no one to turn to and not 1 friend then who would miss me. I drove down this long dual carriage way and accross a very high bridge and took a sharp left down a country road which led me to another quite high bridge; I got out my car and sat on top of the bridge. I didnt feel any fear of falling i just sat there for about 20 mins thinking Give me one reason not to just jump i came up with 1 and it was my 2 girls.
I am sat here in my house the now feeling isolated and lost no friends and awful depressed and cant see any other way out of this black hole. My children deserve to grow up in a happy enviroment and this isnt one with me and i cant snap out of it. I have written the girls letters explaining that i am ill and love them with all my heart. I am just lost and have no way out of this i hate myself for feeling this way.