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Not Sure What to Think
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Last July, I met a guy online and we seemed to always have a lot to chat about and quite a lot in common and after a couple of days revealed our locations and found out we lived in the same city. He said he'd been hurt real bad in the past and wasn't looking for a relationship. He also works about 80 hours a week. I was and am single and never thought seriously about a relationship with anyone I met on chat so I had no problem with it. It was strange but neither of us really brought up the possibility of meeting even though we didn't, well don't live far from one another. Well, after chatting a few months in Dec., somehow the conversation got to us meeting each other. That was a very awkward meeting but somehow it turned into sex. We both kinda regretted it at first and talked about it that evening, but talked about it then a couple of days later, we both decided we had liked it (it'd been over four years for both of us). Although we'd never met before, we felt close, it was strange. We continued chatting and a month later it happened again. This time we cuddled and talked a long time afterwards and he said something about not wanting to be hurt and he's sorry but he can't be in a relationship, he just can't trust women anymore. While I liked him and would go out with him if he would have asked, I had never brought up the relationship subject or honestly ever thought about it, for some reason. Well, we continued chatting (very little about sex, mostly about everything else in our lives, day to day things and just joking around to relieve stress, with both work in very stressful lines of work). Then, 3 weeks later it happened again. This time was the best ever and we let each other know that and afterwards went out to breakfast together and talked a lot, there was really some sort of connection there, a connection that I think may have scared him, I'm not sure. However, a couple of days later he told me he felt so bad like he had used me for sex because he said he just can't start a relationship and he thinks I deserve better than him. I told him I did not feel like he used me because he didn't. He never begged for sex or tried to convince me to do it, all 3 times it was a mutual decision. I tried to tell him I did not find fault with him in any way nd we still chat just as often as before but from time to time he still brings up how sorry he is and how he just knows I should have better than him and he feels bad that he could be holding me back. I really like him as a friend, I think it could be more if we both wanted more, but I also respect him and his feelings about a relationship. Mostly, I just don't want him to feel bad or blame himself for a decision we mutually made. What can I do to help him not feel guilt? I am comfortable enough to talk to him about most anything at this point. What do you think stops him from wanting more than the friendship we have? I'm just a little confused on that. What my first impressions are is that he is scared of trusting women because of his bad past experience and just refuses to let himself get hurt like that again and because of this, keeps himself from getting emotionally close to women. Do you think this might be it? Any other ideas? No matter what, I'll be his friend, but I just wish I understood better. Can anyone give some advice here? Thanks.
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Could you perhaps edit your post so that there are paragraphs breaking up the text? I'm finding it incredibly hard to read as one block and am therefore useless at giving you real advice.
As Queenmab roo said, more people might read this if you edit it into paragraphs. But I've just read it, and I think you should talk to him. Tell him you are willing to take it a step at a time, if he wants a relationship, and build up the trust. Be honest with him, tell him how you feel and what you think of his previous girlfriends. I'm sure you are not like them, and I think you just need to try and prove it to him.
Xx
Don't spend too much energy analysing his actions. My impression is that men who are interested usually do something about it (even the shy ones). Men who just want sex or nothing at all tend to not put in any effort whatsoever.
For example, my current bloke was recently divorced (2+ months) when I met him after his now ex-wife left without there ever being an argument and took their kid and wouldn't talk to him or let him see the kid. He said he wasn't really expecting a relationship so shortly after but we've been together since.
I don't know how this guy you're chatting with was burnt in the past but I find it unlikely that it warrants not having sex for 4 years or not be ready to have a normal relationship with a person in that time (you know, chat, flirt, go on a date, see how things go, etc). I'd be alarmed.
Yeah, that's kind of my thinking too. I don't really know what the deal is with him for sure and why he isn't interested in a relationship. The weird thing is like most guys who just want sex, he doesn't ask for it and we have long conversations about other topics quite often. The three times it happened were mutual and all almost a month apart. Most guys like that only talk to you when they want sex and if they don't get it, they aren't interested in talking. I'm not going to let anything else happen though until he explains a little more why he says he doesn't trust women and why he doesn't want a relationship. All he seems to do is work and go home, doesn't go out or anything. I can confirm this because another friend of mine works with him and says he's a nice guy but a workaholic, works more hours than anyone else at that company. Most guys who just want sex and who are keeping their options open are generally out at least kind of looking for women, at least that's what I thought. This is a strange case... probably a better idea to just keep him as a friend without the other. Thanks for your input.