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Children, divorce and heartache.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
To start, i will tell you a tale.

I married in Feb 2005, shortly after my son was born. Everything went swimmingly until my darling wife decided that my best friend needed to get laid. I found out shortly after it happened. I got angry, swallowed a load of fluoxitine and anti-anxiety pills and forgave her. About 6 months later my wife went out with her friends. I went home and turned on the PC monitor to find a chat window with her planning a sexual encounter with a random guy that would have started about the same time i was reading the chat. She got home, i stormed out and came back when i calmed down and forgave her. September 2008 came round and my wife dissapeared to see an old friend. She came back, i confronted her (i had suspicions) and she admitted sleeping with him for the last month. After this, i left and slept on sofa's of friends for a while until i found somewhere perminent.

Since then, i have only been allowed to see my children (we have 2 now however 1 of them may not be mine but i am too spineless to find out for sure) when she wants to go out on the piss. She repeatedly claims that her solicitor has said that i am not allowed to see them. (i know this is not true but all will become clear if you keep reading)

Today was a meeting with the childrens welfare people. in attendance were my wife, me, my sons head teacher, a health visitor, a lady from social services and a couple of other child orientated proffessionals.

This was the first information i have had about my sons school progress and below are the things i found out at this meeting. (these things were from school and social services reports)

- My sons overall school attendance is 43%. The lowest in his catchment area.
- My wife is "abusive" to both of the children and shouts at my son over the most minor of things. documented example was that he got sent to his room and shouted at (in front of the social worker) for asking if he could play with one of my wifes ornaments.
- My wife has repeatedly cancelled appointments for my son to be assessed for ADHD, ASD and other behavioural and learning disabilities, dispite the doctor and health visitor making appointments (in agreement with my wife) on more than 10 occasions.
- My wife has "forgotten" to take my daughter to have her check-ups and vaccinations for over a year (she is nearly 2 years old now)

Thats all i can remember but i will update it once i get the report in the post.

During the meeting, my wife said that her solicitor told her that i am not to see my children until the divorce is over. This is also what she has been telling me for the last year. Every other person in the room then tried to explain to her that this advice was very wrong and that they will be speaking to the solicitor and taking action against them if my wifes claims are correct.

On several occasions, i made offers to my wife to take my son to school to improve his attendance, to take the kids to the doctors whenever needed etc. and every time she replied with what her solicitor had apparently said.

I know what you are thinking... why havent i been to see a solicitor myself?

The answer is confusing even to myself. I find it difficult to go outside if it means meeting somebody new. Before today, i was confused about my rights and i was worried that it would just piss off my wife and i would see my kids even less and i am also worried about custody arrangements. I am quite scared of explaining to people that i can only look after my children when i am well enough and that is erratic at best!

Today i just feel like breaking down. It might be that i had a minor op this morning but its majorly because this is all way too much for me to take in right now. even typing this makes me want to vomit.

I really hope that noone else on this forum has to go through what i've had to endure recently. In the last 6 years, every part of my life has crashed.

Look after your health and love your family. Not having either of them is like a "living" death centance.


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    For the sake of your children, you need to find the hero inside and confront the situation. The kids are young and vulnerable, they need you to look out for them. You cannot just stand by and let your wife neglect them.

    Divorces are hell for all concerned. Good luck and best wishes and ... see a solicitor.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to step up and be a father now.

    It seems that you are feeling sorry for yourself and that just isn't good enough, you have responsibilities towards the lives which you brought into this world. Sure your wife (ex-wife) needs to take a good hard look at herself and her actions but by standing by and not acting your effectively condone the abuse or are, morally, complicit.

    It seems like the professionals are starting to look at your children as being "at risk" and that, without you intervening, means the possibility to social care.

    I appreciate that you are having difficulties from anxiety and it's not surprising given the story that you have told. Trust and faith in the ones you love has clearly been stripped from you.

    However there are bigger issue in play here. Your children.

    Sorry if my post seems harsh or lecturing. Deep down I suspect that you know all this really.

    If I was you I would be in contact with the welfare people separate from these meetings. If you don't then you may live to regret it and you will have no-one else to blame but yourself.

    Good luck, be strong.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do talk to a solicitor. My bloke's ex-wife wouldn't talk to him and kept his kid away from him and the only way to get through to her was by his solicitor talking to hers.

    MoK is right, you need to step up and be a father to your kids now. I think you will find that if you do talk to a solicitor he will help you through the process of custody and divorce which you really do need to tackle and finish. I think that if you finish all the legal stuff and nail down custody things will be much easier. Remember, a solicitor's job isn't to judge you! He's there to help you get the legal issues sorted out.

    You say you're not well and I don't know what is wrong with you, but do you have a relative who can help you take care of your kids if necessary?

    I can see that you're worried about your children and you damn well should be. Talk to those involved and if needed get professional help for yourself to help you through this. It's also good if you have a relative to get them involved if they're close to you as they may be able to help you contact the people needed and simply give you good advice and help you stay on course. Divorce is hard enough but if there's trouble with the kids it's so much more stressful.

    Right now I think your children need their father to be strong for them. I don't think that in your current situation the biggest thing is whether you see them a lot or not but the fact that they're not receiving the care they need to be receiving. Get a solicitor and get in touch with the welfare people like MoK recommended.

    Good luck, you can do this!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    They need at least one good parent, or the state will take over. Do you think the state can do a better job than you, given your health problems?

    If you do, then I'm sorry for how ill you are, if not, you need to start putting them ahead of your needs.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Let's just establish some perspective here. By leaving your children with your spouse and haven't done anything to take custody of the kids, you are setting up yourself to a couple of things:

    1. Despite your spouse not taking good care of your children, you are making a case for yourself as being a parent who abandons his children because things got a little tough. Although you wife may not be the best parent right now, she is taking "care" of them, in a sense that they are being fed, sheltered, and sent to a school. You can't say the same thing for yourself because you weren't there. Sure, you don't want to worsen the situation by going there and possibly making a mess of things, but isn't it worse as we speak? Not to mention, it would even hit rockbottom if the judge rules out your petition for child custody because judges favor the parent who have taken care of the children since things got out of hand in your relationship.

    2. Have you met her solicitor? Is her solicitor a real person or just a figment of her imagination? Suffice to say, but tat it's likely, she's making up stories just to get rid of you. Worse, you're taking the bait. Rule of thumb with regard to these things: WHEN IT'S NOT WRITTEN IN STONE, IT'S NOT REAL. Call her bluff, go there, and take what's rightfully yours.

    3. Do you have any ideas of how divorce works? Although there have been accounts in which couples separated amicably and are working hard to do the best for their children, this is not one of them. Your wife is not only manifesting signs of irresponsibility through how she treats your children, but she may be pulling some underhanded tricks up her sleeves. I say, fight fire with fire! Read articles about dirty divorce tricks and free divorce advice for men to get some ideas on what you should do.

    4. You say you're spineless and want to vomit just by typing what you just typed on your post. It sucks that you're health is failing you at the most when you need the most. But these are your kids we're talking about here. It's easy to give up, but it is rising up to these kinds of situations that make you the person that you need and want to be. There are lots of ways that you could do to help not only your children, but also yourself. MAKE IT HAPPEN.

    I apologize if I misunderstood your story and may have commented wrongly. But my point is that you never go down without a fight. Never. Good luck.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Now that you know the situation with your children is in such a dire mess you really do need to step up. If your estranged wife has recieved this advice from a solicitor then she should probably be getting a new one as it's complete rubbish! Only the Court has the power to formally stop you from seeing your children and it doesn't sound like such an order has been granted.

    I'd contact a solicitor if I were you to ascertain your legal position. If you do this now any application for residency shouldn't, one would have thought, be adversley affected too much by the lack of contact since seperation due to the circumstances. Now that you do know about the situation if you fail to seek advice and take the necessary steps to ensure you at least have regular access to your children, then, this will more than likley affect your case.

    You could try contacting your local Citizens Advice Bureaux in the first instance, but really your best option is to seek advice from and instruct a solicitor to begin proceedings.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sure whatever problems he had back in February are sorted by now. Nice post though ;)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there Morphandcoffee,

    How are things?

    Has the situation between you, your children and wife (ex-wife?) improved since your post?

    Do let us know how you're getting on.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it sounds to me like you know what you need to do. lean on your friends and family for support thats what they are there for.
    i hope things get better
    wish u all the best!
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