Poem. In Need Of Some Advice

Former Member

I wrote this ages ago when a very close friend of mine, and myself, was having a bit of life trouble.. Constructive criticism would be very helpful as I am looking to use this poem to allow my parents to understand me better.

And it gets harder and harder to take
You fall deeper into despair,
Into a world, locked by a door
Where I hold no key.

“Stay strong” I say,
Whether it’s to you or me
It makes no difference
We must soldier on

Together we can make the journey
To the end of this hurtful time
Where you see no end
Where I fear the loss of my heart

You are my heart, my beating heart
That beats only for you, and your survival
Meaning the entire world to me
You are not alone, don't be afraid

The tears fall like drops of rain down my cheek
The quiet sobs break the silence of my hurting
How can I stay strong when the only one I care for,
Is crumbling in front of me?

Better?

Former Member

I really like it :yes:
and good idea for showing it to your parents too.
I am not very good at English lol, but to me it sounds like it's beautifully written. The only bit I wasn't sure about was including an answer in the last line.

Former Member

Thanks
I think I repeat "world" in the 4th stanza once too many
and I will rethink the answer at the end x

Former Member

now that you mention it, yeah, world is there once time too many! what you going to swap it with? any ideas?

Former Member

I was thinking of changing it to...

"You are not alone, don't be afraid"

Former Member

Together we can make the journey
To the end of this hurtful time..

..Where you see no end
Where I fear the loss of my heart


i would do this... and or.. where you see no end, i cannot mend, i fear the loss of my heart, this is a true start for everday, my sorrow do we part..

Theres my creative input for the day

Former Member

Thanks!

Former Member

Edited with some of your suggestions

Former Member

yeah, before it was good, now it is awesome! well done