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Two months on.. various questions!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, my mind is in a bit of a jumble, but I'll try to keep this structured.
Background:
Went out with a girl for 3 years, then we were 'friends' for 2 years but acted like a bona fide couple, she met someone else last november, it broke my heart. I've been up and down, with the low point involving far too much alcohol and a river (stupid me! Don't get drunk when upset
it can make you far too vulnerable).
Now:
Things are going good. In so many ways now I look back and see how this has 'set me free'. I had a drunken kiss with a nice girl at NYE, that didn't go anywhere but was good for my ego, then since last two weeks or something have been kinda seeing someone else. I was supposed to have a lecture with my ex this past week, but it seems she either didn't turn up or has changed options. I wasn't looking out for her because I'm obsessed btw, but more because I was afraid. I've not spoken to her for ages now (:)) and every single time we do speak I end up getting really upset and/or angry. I was happy for the clean break!
Thinking on how I feel now, I'm wondering whether now is a good time to write my feelings down about the relationship - what was good, what was bad - maybe even formulate a closure letter to her. It doesn't sound like a great idea, but it's recommended in this self helf book I've been reading. What do you think? Any 'next steps'? I would be happy to just walk away and leave it there, though I'm sure at some point in the future she would come back in the foray. Her mum told my mum that she said me and her 'might get back together', and another friend of mine told me yesterday (not sure why, i didnt prompt them!) that they'd heard she wasn't happy with her new fella - that he was clingy and obsessive. Maybe all along she wanted a fling but wanted to keep me in the background. I'm very happy to say that's definitely not going to happen, because...
Next:
This new girl. Is awesome. I'm just gonna rant a little bit here. My friends have been mixed - some v pleased for me and saying I deserve it, some saying I've been an ass because I've kinda split her up from her bf (girl at uni, long distance relationship with boy back home... you know the usual - though tbf she's been saying for a while she wasn't happy). It's not serious, at all. In fact both of us have been avoiding talking about things, instead opting for deliberate naiveness. Talking about whether we are 'going out' might make things 'more complicated than they need to be' as it were. We just enjoy spending time together so much! But we are just a good fit, if that makes sense - in the sense that we have such similar personalities and are at similar points in our lives. Neither one of us is terribly comfortable with the idea of a deep committed relationship, both of us are focussed on our own stuff (her on her degree, me on job stuff.. maybe). It's kinda nice to keep it off the radar if you know what I mean? If it fizzled out tomorrow, neither of us would be upset, it's just pretty cool at the minute.
Having said that, she is showing some signs of being more sentimental this weekend. She stayed over last night, and said to me a couple of times that I was really awesome, and kissed me when leaving this morning (that might sound strange.. but I don't know, just we weren't letting on in public for fear of people saying anything!). She texts me though and says things nobody has ever said to me before.. like how I make her feel as a woman and how sexy I am. That's really nice. It's cool because my ex through her non-saying of these things knocked my self confidence, so to have someone new with no agenda to be saying these things has made me feel.. well.. awesome
.
Second question then: am I being hopelessly naive in ignoring the 'is this a relationship' and dealing with the answer, and instead just choosing to enjoy each and every moment while it lasts
Brief summary for TL;DR
1. Not spoken to ex in 2 months. Now I'm feeling better about things, should I do some soul searching, explore what I felt were the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, write a letter to her and put a definite line under it? Or should I just carry on.
2. I met someone new, who is very very cool. It's not serious really. We don't talk about serious stuff. We just hang out, play computer games, watch films, eat food (she is an amazing cook!!), along with some other thins.. but as I say, not serious. But little things like her giving me kisses and saying sweet things are making me wonder if we should have a talk. But I like the naiveness of it, the 'dont ask dont tell' element. I can't feel annoyed at what I don't know
Brief summary for TL;DR
1. Not spoken to ex in 2 months. Now I'm feeling better about things, should I do some soul searching, explore what I felt were the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, write a letter to her and put a definite line under it? Or should I just carry on.
2. I met someone new, who is very very cool. It's not serious really. We don't talk about serious stuff. We just hang out, play computer games, watch films, eat food (she is an amazing cook!!), along with some other thins.. but as I say, not serious. But little things like her giving me kisses and saying sweet things are making me wonder if we should have a talk. But I like the naiveness of it, the 'dont ask dont tell' element. I can't feel annoyed at what I don't know
Background:
Went out with a girl for 3 years, then we were 'friends' for 2 years but acted like a bona fide couple, she met someone else last november, it broke my heart. I've been up and down, with the low point involving far too much alcohol and a river (stupid me! Don't get drunk when upset
it can make you far too vulnerable).Now:
Things are going good. In so many ways now I look back and see how this has 'set me free'. I had a drunken kiss with a nice girl at NYE, that didn't go anywhere but was good for my ego, then since last two weeks or something have been kinda seeing someone else. I was supposed to have a lecture with my ex this past week, but it seems she either didn't turn up or has changed options. I wasn't looking out for her because I'm obsessed btw, but more because I was afraid. I've not spoken to her for ages now (:)) and every single time we do speak I end up getting really upset and/or angry. I was happy for the clean break!
Thinking on how I feel now, I'm wondering whether now is a good time to write my feelings down about the relationship - what was good, what was bad - maybe even formulate a closure letter to her. It doesn't sound like a great idea, but it's recommended in this self helf book I've been reading. What do you think? Any 'next steps'? I would be happy to just walk away and leave it there, though I'm sure at some point in the future she would come back in the foray. Her mum told my mum that she said me and her 'might get back together', and another friend of mine told me yesterday (not sure why, i didnt prompt them!) that they'd heard she wasn't happy with her new fella - that he was clingy and obsessive. Maybe all along she wanted a fling but wanted to keep me in the background. I'm very happy to say that's definitely not going to happen, because...
Next:
This new girl. Is awesome. I'm just gonna rant a little bit here. My friends have been mixed - some v pleased for me and saying I deserve it, some saying I've been an ass because I've kinda split her up from her bf (girl at uni, long distance relationship with boy back home... you know the usual - though tbf she's been saying for a while she wasn't happy). It's not serious, at all. In fact both of us have been avoiding talking about things, instead opting for deliberate naiveness. Talking about whether we are 'going out' might make things 'more complicated than they need to be' as it were. We just enjoy spending time together so much! But we are just a good fit, if that makes sense - in the sense that we have such similar personalities and are at similar points in our lives. Neither one of us is terribly comfortable with the idea of a deep committed relationship, both of us are focussed on our own stuff (her on her degree, me on job stuff.. maybe). It's kinda nice to keep it off the radar if you know what I mean? If it fizzled out tomorrow, neither of us would be upset, it's just pretty cool at the minute.
Having said that, she is showing some signs of being more sentimental this weekend. She stayed over last night, and said to me a couple of times that I was really awesome, and kissed me when leaving this morning (that might sound strange.. but I don't know, just we weren't letting on in public for fear of people saying anything!). She texts me though and says things nobody has ever said to me before.. like how I make her feel as a woman and how sexy I am. That's really nice. It's cool because my ex through her non-saying of these things knocked my self confidence, so to have someone new with no agenda to be saying these things has made me feel.. well.. awesome
.Second question then: am I being hopelessly naive in ignoring the 'is this a relationship' and dealing with the answer, and instead just choosing to enjoy each and every moment while it lasts
Brief summary for TL;DR
1. Not spoken to ex in 2 months. Now I'm feeling better about things, should I do some soul searching, explore what I felt were the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, write a letter to her and put a definite line under it? Or should I just carry on.
2. I met someone new, who is very very cool. It's not serious really. We don't talk about serious stuff. We just hang out, play computer games, watch films, eat food (she is an amazing cook!!), along with some other thins.. but as I say, not serious. But little things like her giving me kisses and saying sweet things are making me wonder if we should have a talk. But I like the naiveness of it, the 'dont ask dont tell' element. I can't feel annoyed at what I don't know
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Comments
I think at some point before you drift in to a relationship you should say whether that is what you want or not, have the discussion. If things are meant to be the way you want them to be, the discussion won't cause a problem.
I think you should write the letter for cathartic reasons but not send it to her.
Agreed.
If you send it to her, you may feel better now, but in maybe 3 months time you'll cringe and go "aahhh crap, why did I do that?" ESPECIALLY if she replies, and says things you don't want to hear, or by the sounds of things, tries to get back with you and ruins things with new girl ... Cut ties with her. Sounds like she was doing more damage being in contact with you.
New girl is all a bit much for me. Not used to someone being so into me
Enjoy it! You deserve it after all the crap you've been dealing with. Not got much more to add about the letter thing other than to say I agree with the others. Sounds like things with this new girl are going really well, I think you should concentrate on that rather than going back over things with the ex.
Pretty awesome. I guess I need to work out how to proceed. Obviously I like her too. But I said to a friend not long ago, and I still kinda stand by it in a way. I had enough heartache in the decade 2000 - 2009, so for 2010-2019 I don't want a girlfriend that if things go pear shaped, I will be heartbroken
It's not even feb yet and here I have some amazing lovely person falling at my feet. Thing is I graduate this year and could end up god knows where anyway. So maybe just enjoy it while it lasts and not worry about that stuff?
I think you've got the right attitude and you're thinking about things the right way, and I'm really glad things are going well with this new girl - just relax and enjoy it.
And try not to let previous heartaches make you too wary or cautious. The only way to ensure that if you get dumped again, you won't be heartbroken, is to go out with someone you don't really like all that much anyway. The whole point of love is that it's a risk. Anyone who is worthy of our love could potentially hurt us if they leave us, and there is no way to avoid that, other than to never love anyone, and to only go out with people we don't really care about. But that's no solution at all! So don't be so wary of getting hurt again that you refuse to take the risk, because the risk is usually worth it in the long run. Even if you do get your heart ripped to pieces!
I just feel odd at times. It's like, I'm happy and that, but sometimes for example I will have dreams about my ex that upset me. I can't confide that in my friend (girlfriend?).
I like her, and I'm happy when I'm with her, and things are really really great. Just not sure I'm ready in myself for another relationship. Like I feel at times I'm having to pretend when we're not even going out yet officially kinda. Like on MSN. I mentioned jobs stuff was getting me down and she said
Not sure I'm ready for that 'depth' in a relationship. Having fun, hanging out, holding hands, talking about fluffy animals - that's great. Saying I've had a shit day and need a beer and need to rant about crap? Not sure I'm comfortable baring all or whatever!
What gets to me, is I want to move forward, but I've still got this baggage about my ex. Obviously, ex -is- the past now, and things only get better from now, but that's not to say that all feelings are resolved, in the same way (sorry to be so melodramatic! I suck with analogies) after someone passes away, a few months on you are ok, but that doesn't mean *everything* is back to normal and up and running.
I reckon I'm probably still afraid to open up incase I get hurt again or who knows, I don't think the specific reason is 100% relevent. Just I want an easy going kinda thing and even though she's just come out of a relationship, it seems to me what she has been saying to me is I'm what she has been waiting for... and it's great when we're together and she's cuddling me and that's awesome.
I just don't want her to say she really really really likes me or worse loves me because then I need to think and it might bring up all the nasty feelings from a while ago, heh.