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drifting apart.......

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
my boyfriend and i have been together for 4 years and bought a house together 2 1/2 years ago. during the "honeymoon period" for the first two years everything was perfect and we were practically joined at the hip. i didnt expect the relationship to be like that forever, and i made it very clear that i wanted him to spend time with his mates and that i didnt expect him to by my side 24/7, but now my boyfriend is spending most of his time at his mate's house and i rarely see him. my main concern is that he smokes a lot of cannabis, but as he knows i don't like him doing it, he doesn't smoke near the house. i am worried that is the reason why he is spending so much time there, either that or he has gone off me! when i try to talk to him about it he shows no interest and seems to be more comfortable when we're not speaking. his only defence was i hog the tv. what the hell is going on, and can we salvage our relationship. in the past 2 years we have become more and more distant. i am particularly interested in responses from lads. thanks dani.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If it were me I would give him an ultimatum. Now that he's smoking weed you've already set the standard that it's ok to do, even if you don't like it around you. I'm totally zero tolerance on drugs but you need to set a boundary yourself. It might not be an 'addictive' drug but it's an addictive lifestyle and it takes over and there's not enough room for you and weed in his life! Shake him up and get him to prioritise his life a bit and get back to the old him!

    Good luck. x
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    hmm - can move this back later, but just reckon you might get more responses from the lads in the drugs forum so will move it over there for now. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why dont you like him doing it?
    he probably isnt interested that you dont like him smoking it as it is causing him no problems apart from you not liking it, which in effect will create a big problem in his mind and i guess the reason he dont want to talk about it is because it is true, as no doubt you are a huge part of his life... i i were you, i'd try give him a bit of slack and pretend you dont care or be blunt and find someone who doesnt smoke weed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Let him smoke at home?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nick his stash and bake him a double chocolate cream cake?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is it a case of you having become the parent instead of the lover?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you. I have tried everything I can think of and asked several friends about this, but nothing seems to be working. I'm not sure what it is that I'm doing wrong, and as he won't speak to me about it I feel completely stuck! x
    beachbum wrote: »
    If it were me I would give him an ultimatum. Now that he's smoking weed you've already set the standard that it's ok to do, even if you don't like it around you. I'm totally zero tolerance on drugs but you need to set a boundary yourself. It might not be an 'addictive' drug but it's an addictive lifestyle and it takes over and there's not enough room for you and weed in his life! Shake him up and get him to prioritise his life a bit and get back to the old him!

    Good luck. x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just don't like the effects it has on him, but he can't see them. He becomes uninterested in everything and sometimes snappy, etc. in all honesty, i've never been a fan, but i have come to accept him doing it as i understood he enjoys it and it he is surrounded by people that smoke it too. i think you are absolutely right. i thought i was cutting him slack by accepting it? some of his friends are highly addicted to it so when they come round i let them smoke it in the garden, he chooses not to join them, although he maybe has a quick drag lol.
    why dont you like him doing it?
    he probably isnt interested that you dont like him smoking it as it is causing him no problems apart from you not liking it, which in effect will create a big problem in his mind and i guess the reason he dont want to talk about it is because it is true, as no doubt you are a huge part of his life... i i were you, i'd try give him a bit of slack and pretend you dont care or be blunt and find someone who doesnt smoke weed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Let him smoke at home?

    To be honest i'm not sure this would work, as i don't think he's addicted to it, it's more of a social thing, but will speak to him about this and see how he reacts, thanks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nick his stash and bake him a double chocolate cream cake?

    ha ha! i think i preferred your previous post bad boy
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    absolutely! he treats me like his mother, and i'm not sure if i am partly to blame, trying to look after him when we moved in together as i knew he would get home sick, but now i just leave him to it, i don't cook for him or do his washing all the time, but this hasn't made a difference. it's crazy, have i exhausted all options, because it feels like it!

    after we had both had chance to calm down he told me that he had not tried to patch things up immediately as he wanted me to calm down - no point in tried to talk when we're both angry as we won't get anywhere, which is probably one of the wisest things i've ever heard him say, so i appreciated that afterwards. we are currently ok, and he has tried to make an effort to spend more time with me, but i am worried this consistently recurring argument will rear it's ugly head in the near future, so i am still looking for ways to get over this hurdle. thanks for your advice, keep it coming and i will try everything out x
    Is it a case of you having become the parent instead of the lover?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One thing i've learnt is humans dont often like change, if he's used to smoking it and being around his mates, that is what he's used to. not sure if this is good advice but i would just get on with things and let him do what he wants.be completley honest, just get on with things as you would anyway, he obviously knows how you feel, i think it will just take time to pan out..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    print this out, show your concern, then whatever happens, he knows you care
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be honest i'm not sure this would work, as i don't think he's addicted to it, it's more of a social thing, but will speak to him about this and see how he reacts, thanks.

    Very very few people become addicted to weed.
    How about you try doing something you like with your mates?
    Round at their places ...without him.
    He might just understand how you feel then.
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