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Peom

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
im entering this into a contest for my english class and would love:heart: some feedback, por favor.:blush:

Fun is what you have,
Love is what you find.
Flirting is what started the search.
Break is what happened.

Why is the question.
Something is the cause.
Yet, Nothing is the answer,
But Finding is the task.

A solution you cant find.
A problem you still have.
A memory you forgot.
A friend you lost.

or the last line is
"Another you may go."
like another way but i dont think i like that.
also i think i might change all the 'the's in the second verse to 'your's

Comments

  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hey starshine,
    This raises some interesting thought and issues but I thin it could be taken further if you still have time to develop it?

    This is actually my favourite stanza:

    A solution you cant find.
    A problem you still have.
    A memory you forgot.
    A friend you lost.

    But I'n not sure how it fits with the rest of the poem that seems to be about heartbreak?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    "Break is what happened." seems out of kilter with the rest of the stanza. It doesn't follow the flow and doesn't seem to fit in linguistically with the rest of the poem.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    "Break is what happened." seems out of kilter with the rest of the stanza. It doesn't follow the flow and doesn't seem to fit in linguistically with the rest of the poem.

    I agree, everything else... spot on!
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