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a few little thoughts/questions/crap

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
It's not happy, but I have amazed myself with how I got a few feelings down on paper, so thought I'd post it. Maybe you'll have an answer for some of the many questions. Maybe you won't. But it's here anyways.

Why is it that I constantly feel like crap? Why is it that humans confuse me and that the world seems just as bad? Why is it that I am easily bored, but yet have no motivation to do something to solve it? Why is it that I have been put under so much pressure and feel like I am suffocating? Why is it people are always judged, classified, pressurized to fit into groups? Why is it most people seem fine with it, yet I am not? Why is it that your future career seems to be more important to others than your happiness? Why is it I am always alone and lonely? Why is it all so blooming hard and confusing? Why is it that the one person I would like to be with is not interested? Why have I lived my first two decades wrapped up in so much cotton wool I felt like I was suffocating? Why is everyone else growing up, and I feel pretty much the same as I did seven years ago- just a lot more unhappy?
I know what I want to do with my life, sort of, but it is so different to the expected image of me. Of me, the one who fades into the background, who gets along with everyone, yet has no one. One who is “happy” yet faces deep, dark, irrational thoughts. One who just wants to travel, be happy, find a special person, enjoy and experience life. One who does not want to be told what to do anymore; who is fed up of education and the constant pressures it brings. One who longs for education of a different kind, the kind you gain from life experiences- how to survive in a different environment, how to make a difference, how to have fun, how to love, how to make people smile.
I would much rather be poor and happy than rich and like this. Why can people not see it? Why am I silently screaming in to the dark? Why is no one there to listen? Why do I constantly feel like I am climbing up a steep, crumbly rock face?
At least I will escape soon, I hope. In June I should be free for at least a year. Then I will be back in “the real world”. Crap.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there purpledhaze :wave:

    Wow - your head sounds pretty full of the bigger questions right now. Not surprised you wanted to get it all down and unload a bit. Lots of stuff in there to keep you awake at night.
    Is there anyone you can share any of this with? It sounds really difficult to manage all of these thoughts by yourself. Perhaps you have a trusted friend or member of your family who you could talk to? Would you consider talking to a counsellor? It sounds like there is a lot of pressure on you to do the right thing - studying etc which is not making you happy.

    Take care of yourself and please keep posting if you find it helps :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey,

    yeah, thats how I feel, my sleeping pattern is out, and has been for a while because my head will not shut up when i try and sleep. I can't sleep until about 1am and so then can't get out of bed until 10.30am or so, which makes stuff like uni hard and my parents think I'm lazy (as we go to bed at 10.30 so they think i get like 11 hours sleep- i wish!). It doesn't help.
    I'm not close to my family especially with stuff like this- my dad says people with depression need to "snap out of it" I don't think they'd understand at all. I tried telling two friends- one i've become more distant with and the other is awesome but I feel bad always relying on them as they aren't having the easiest time either i don't think, and i don't want to keep moaning at them with my problems. so no one there really either.
    i couldnt see a councilor either, me and talking face-to-face doesnt really happen otherwise I would have told those two people a lot sooner. it took me years.... i just shut up or give one word answers with stuff like this 99% of the time.

    i'll keep posting :) it helps
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Pretty pretty please go for a run! Your dad is totally right. You don't need meds or even counselling. I never liked counselling, but going over things in your head doesn't help much either!
    You don't sound like you've had a massive trauma, but that you're just a bit confused, which is perfectly normal, just don't turn it into a big deal. Take easy day one at a time. Regardless of what you feel right now, go to bed and just think about tomorrow. Go for a run to start, or a brisk walk if it's still snowy. You will see the sunshine (hopefully!), see your neighbours, everyone is feeling cheerful now it's snowy, and start with lots of fresh air. Have a healthy breakfast, go to school or settle down with some work, update your CV, get in touch with some companies. Just don't stop and think about deep and meaningful stresses. You don't live life by thinking about it, you have to LIVE it. And just doing small things every day acomplishes so much in the long run.
    I can't emphasise enough that you should exercise. Even if you don't want to, just do it! It WILL make you happier and it will tire you out and you'll sleep better and it sounds like that will solve a lot of your problems.

    I do understand and I PROMISE you.... just run! xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ohh my goodness!!:heart: i feel exactly the same way about sleeping, my family, and my friends. sorry to say i dont have answers to things like that but it always makes me feel better to know that someone has the same problems as me so i hope it does for you.

    as for your wishes to travel, be happy etc., try to work up the motivation!:thumb: (p.s. you can do it i believe in you!)
    it will really make you feel better expecially when your are bored.
    and if studies are too much pressure take less courses or take a break entirely. it wont do you any good to run yourself into the ground. the other side is that if you work on your motivation than maybe you can get through it!:)
    for what you think you want to do, my advise is to not care at all about what people think about you. do what makes you happy. if it helps i want to be an aerospace engineer for NASA(united states) specifically a rocket scientist and i wanted it forever. people think i wont make it because im a little on the "hood" side, im puerto rican, and have piercings and tattoos but it just makes me work harder.
    be yourself and people will love you.
    i hope im helping you and not making you annoyed.;)
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