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my parents make me want to kill myself...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hey well this is going to be a bit long cos its a hell of a rant.
basically, my home life is crap. im only 15 so i hav another 3 and a half years to go till i go to uni and move out.
my mum and dad are divorced and have both gotten engaged. The divorce was painful enough at the time, cos it was a pretty nasty one and my mum and dad still squabble over custody. Neither of them actually want me with them, they just want to get one over on the other one.
Then there`s my stepdad. Lets just say he would make a good Hitler.
If it was up to him i wouldnt be allowed to wear ANY makeup or nail polish and would only wear clothes that he "approves" of. Luckily, my mother is there. Instead she says to him to just leave it, and then makes a nasty remark about it later to try and get me to take it off/stop wearing it. For instance, the other day i decided to put on some nail polish. It cost a bomb and i chose it to suit my skin tone, so it wasnt like it didnt suit me. But when i came downstairs my stepdad was like, "take that crap off your nails right NOW." but then my mum said to him, "dont say anything, just let her go out looking like a whore."
she says things like that regularly, calls me fat (even though im much skinnier than her), insults me and tries to ignore me as best as possible. She pretty much thinks that im to be endured rather than loved.
I cant even describe how much of a tyrant my stepdad is. Im not allowed to have any food or drink unless i ask permission from him (which im not going to do cos its my bloody house and he aint my father) and things like that. Grr even thinking about him makes me grind my teeth.
So anyway, then there is my dad. I suppose he does kind of like me, he doesnt hate me like my mother does, but he just cant be bothered. I defend him in front of my mother, but i know that all the insults are true.
The thing is, im quite wealthy and i get all the material possessions that i want so everyone thinks im really happy, but im so not!
Compounded with the stress of school etc i self harm and have tried to commit suicide. They werent very successful attempts and no-one found out, but im convinced that soon im going to just snap and kill myself. Once i found out that you can kill yourself by drinking too much water, and i had to stop myself from collecting all the bottles in the house. i ALWAYS want to die, every single second of the day, but somehow i manage not to. I dont have the willpower to hold on for much longer though. Things arent going to get any better in my life, so whats the point?
basically, my home life is crap. im only 15 so i hav another 3 and a half years to go till i go to uni and move out.
my mum and dad are divorced and have both gotten engaged. The divorce was painful enough at the time, cos it was a pretty nasty one and my mum and dad still squabble over custody. Neither of them actually want me with them, they just want to get one over on the other one.
Then there`s my stepdad. Lets just say he would make a good Hitler.
If it was up to him i wouldnt be allowed to wear ANY makeup or nail polish and would only wear clothes that he "approves" of. Luckily, my mother is there. Instead she says to him to just leave it, and then makes a nasty remark about it later to try and get me to take it off/stop wearing it. For instance, the other day i decided to put on some nail polish. It cost a bomb and i chose it to suit my skin tone, so it wasnt like it didnt suit me. But when i came downstairs my stepdad was like, "take that crap off your nails right NOW." but then my mum said to him, "dont say anything, just let her go out looking like a whore."
she says things like that regularly, calls me fat (even though im much skinnier than her), insults me and tries to ignore me as best as possible. She pretty much thinks that im to be endured rather than loved.
I cant even describe how much of a tyrant my stepdad is. Im not allowed to have any food or drink unless i ask permission from him (which im not going to do cos its my bloody house and he aint my father) and things like that. Grr even thinking about him makes me grind my teeth.
So anyway, then there is my dad. I suppose he does kind of like me, he doesnt hate me like my mother does, but he just cant be bothered. I defend him in front of my mother, but i know that all the insults are true.
The thing is, im quite wealthy and i get all the material possessions that i want so everyone thinks im really happy, but im so not!
Compounded with the stress of school etc i self harm and have tried to commit suicide. They werent very successful attempts and no-one found out, but im convinced that soon im going to just snap and kill myself. Once i found out that you can kill yourself by drinking too much water, and i had to stop myself from collecting all the bottles in the house. i ALWAYS want to die, every single second of the day, but somehow i manage not to. I dont have the willpower to hold on for much longer though. Things arent going to get any better in my life, so whats the point?
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believe me, ive tried to go to social workers, we have one in school, but she said that no-one could help me cos they cant class it as abuse, and becuase of the sticky custody situation they cant take me off my parents. And besides, i dont want to go into care!
A lot of people have had worse lives than me but they also are better than me cos they get through it, but i just so badly want to give up....
Sorry to hear you are having problems with your parents and your step-dad.
Lots of teenagers can have problems with their parents; and often it’s because the parents don’t see the maturing adult but the child that they’ve been responsible for over the last fourteen years. Therefore often they are doing what they think is the best to protect and support you, but as you develop into your own person you need to be able to make your own decisions.
There are a number of ways you can try and resolve these issues.
Firstly, tell your mum and your step-dad how what they say makes you feel. “Mum, it really upsets me when you call me fat.” Being direct and honest without being emotional or returning insults can be very powerful and demonstrate your maturity.
Secondly, get your parents and step-dad to decide what they think is acceptable, and then agree some rules. Is it they don’t like you wearing any make-up, or is it just on school days or is it the way you choose to dress? Why does your step dad find it unacceptable for you to fix your own food and drinks?
Thirdly, make time to be with them and then remind them what it’s like to be a teenager. “What was the stupidest thing you did when you were fifteen?”, “Have you got any photos of how you used to dress up?”.
Your parents are probably trying to do what they think is best for you. You are the most precious possession that they are responsible for; and for the last decade they have made every important decision on your behalf. Having that responsibility taken away for parents can be a huge shock to the system, and often it happens without warning and the decisions that are made are ones that they disagree with.
You may find the above work, but if, as you say you think the issue is that your parents are trying to play you of each other then as Tetley suggests some outside help might be a good idea. You’ve said you’ve tried chatting to your grandparents and your school friends, but are there other relatives or the parents of your school friends that you could talk to and could perhaps mediate in agreeing some ground rules? Equally, a teacher or youth worker you trust can be great for chatting your problems through and then agreeing some actions you can take.
On the specific point about the social worker, the law is clear that the family courts’ priority is the welfare of the child, so decisions have to be made that are in your interests and if something isn’t working out then you can go back and change it. The Children’s Legal Centre has lots of information about your rights as a young person when it comes to custody and social services, and operate a helpline that may be able to advise you, as well as some useful factsheets.
(Being cared for by social services does not mean being taken into care – it really is a last resort and normally they will agree a plan with you and your parents that tackles some of the issues, but you’ll stay living at home or with a relative/friend).
Don’t get too obsessed about counting the time down between now and when you can ‘escape to uni’ – if there are issues you need to start working on them now. Lots of teenagers find living with someone other than their mum or dad works best for them, even if it’s a temporary measure or once or twice a week; it’s just a good way of not having to share the same space as someone you find it difficult to get on with.
Finally, if you find yourself feeling really down then services like the Samaritans and ChildLine are there to talk through your issues. Also, there are emergency hostels and accommodation services that can help you if you feel you need to get out the house immediately; contact your local social services department or police.
Best wishes,
Olly
cliche 1 - you're still too young
You're what, 14? That's not even close to midlife. My angle here is not that you're immature or that you're still a kid, but that there are still so many people you haven't met, places you haven't been, and things you haven't done. Just because you feel hopeless now doesn't mean that the whole world is crap. You're view just sucks at the moment. Give it more time and your view might get better.
cliche 2 - where there's a will there's a way
You've mentioned that you think about death everyday. Same here! but let me get to my point first. The fact that you're still posting and not yet dead, means that your life isn't 100% hopeless. Even if it's just a sliver of hope, you're still holding on to it. Just look for something worthwhile in your life. Something beyond home and family. Like maybe devote yourself to your studies, or join a cause, or maybe find a boyfriend (or a girlfriend; i don't really know your inclination
cliche 3 - love is the key
There are several ways to tackle this cliche.
First of all, we can say that the reason you're feeling this way is because you're not feeling loved. In one of my classes before the xmas break, we were talking about interpersonal psychology. if memory serves me right, several psychologists from this school (such as Lorna Benjamin) believe that love and hate are complimentary behaviors. Which means that love breeds love and hate breeds hate. If you want to feel loved you have to give love. I know it's difficult since your mom and step-dad aren't the nicest people on earth, but it has to start somewhere, so it might as well be with you.
Second, it goes back to what I was saying awhile ago: find something to devote yourself to; find something to love. Be it a person or an ideal, find something that you truly care about and can support you. Love is a very powerful tool for those that use it genuinely.
That's it for the cliches. Hope this helps you sort things out. Just so you know, am also at high risk for suicide, so if you ever want to talk about it, just send me a message.
Take care.
i really dont know what to say although the fact that i have issues with my mum as well - she doesnt call me fat anymore because ive now got an eating disorder. have you tried to get hold of your gp about how you are feeling?? maybe counselling would be a good idea??
hope that you are ok
xxxx