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A Story If Your Bored !

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hi i dont really need any advice although comments would be interesting i just want to rant. its 8 o'clock in the mornig and i have been up 4 hrs on here and other social networking sites and youtube lol,
anyway i am just a little confused about why i am alive. i am 23 and when i was 18 due to a horrible upbringing i tried to kill myself by cutting my wrists in the bath, i did quite a good job and was on my way to the land of nod when i woke up to a hospital bed,24 stitches and my friend and flatmate standing at the end crying. turns out she came back from holiday a week early because of problems with her passport and she split with the guy she went with...
anyway about a year later i joined the army... loved it met an amazing girl moved in together had and have a lovely life together. so alls going well but then one morning on the way to work i decided to pop into sainsburys picked up paracetamol with a bottle of wine from the same cashier amazingly! and proceeded to go to my room at work and take all of them with the wine....... but why....... i stood there and crunched handfuls of the pills mouthfulls forcing myself not to throw up or to swallow it, watched in the mirror as my eyes went as red as ive seen and my skin a funny mix of yellow and green.
time passed and i felt my self going again as i did when i was 18 bit strange this time though i was having hallucenations (apologies for spelling its early!) of heaven and hell and floating around in the clouds but suddenly being dropped into fire and being told i was "born to suffer" by a very untypical ( a word?) devil type.
then i was awoken again by my friend, this time a very close friend of mine from my squadron, apparently i had called him amongst all these "dreams" i pressume i sat on my phone! so i went to hospital discharged myself after a very upsetting 24hrs trying to explain to my distrought girlfriend who was crushed by the whole thing but extremely understanding and an amazing allie. and being prodded and poked etc.
now i sit here a month or two later considering if itll be third time lucky or not. i no i am selfish and i dont care because i am selfish right?
but why does someone in my position who earns well has the best girlfriend in the world no family as such bt you dont miss what you havent had. i dreamed of this life as a child wondering if i would eat that day or not, or finding a pound and giving it to my dad hoping he would make some shelter appear or food. i have even walked around on xmas day on my own looking through windows at all the happy warm families and been in too much pain to cry as a child.... even found my mothers dead body on the couch as a kid ... but despite my struggles i managed to make something of myself as i said i would. so why do i want to die, i go to bed at night happy as i ever am lying next to my beautiful girlfriend and hope i dont wake up. i wonder if i will do it today. if i do i would like you to know that i am not sad i do wish for a better life, i do not struggle to pay bills or live, i am happy! or i should be!
well thats it really ... thanks for listening ppl x x x
:wave:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    this story made me really sad :( after your two suicide attempts have you never been offered any kind of help? therapy, or counselling? it sounds like you have been through horrible, awful stuff as a child and even though you say you are happy now with your girlfriend and job etc, i think you need some help to help you overcome your childhood. sometimes things from the past can haunt you forever until you work through them. things can get better, you're nearly there, you've made something of yourself and you should be really proud of that, i think now you just need to take the next step. good luck x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    that sounds a bit like depression, shizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder, hav you ever been diagnosed? If you do, somewhere deep down, still want to live, u shud go to your GP and a councillor straight away.
    If you do want to die all the way through though, i cant judge, cos i want to as well. But just think of what it will do to your girlfriend first, cos u sound like u actually do have a good life worth living.
    If u do end up killing yourself, do people a favour, just do it in a way that isnt too messy.
    But think it through first. Is it really worth it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont mean to make this sound bad, but how did you end up joining the Army after having stitches from trying to commit suicide?

    Id seriously consider talking to the welfare people on camp. Ive seen a similar case to this, but its better for you and the others you serve with if you try and get something sorted regarding this. You're lucky not have been discharged, which could have caused all sorts of problems with money and your home life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Holy shit man! First of all, i would listen to the advise people above have posted even if you didn't come here for advise. Secondly, let your girlfriend help you with it! If she loves you, she will be more than glad to help you have a better life. You have a great life ahead of you, don't waste it!
  • Olly_BOlly_B Posts: 222 Trailblazer
    Hi blue2878,

    Welcome to TheSite.org and thanks for sharing your story on our boards.

    It sounds like you feel you are in a difficult place; you say you’ve got a great girlfriend, a good job and yet sometimes you feel really depressed and contemplate suicide. It’s important to recognise that a problem with your mental health is an illness; and having a good life doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, or won’t, get depressed. Think of it like being a marathon runner or fitness fanatic doesn’t mean you won’t get an illness like cancer or have a heart attack.

    It’s also important to remember that mental health illnesses can, and need to be, treated. The treatment won’t be the same as a broken leg – you can’t simply put your head in a splint and hobble around for a few weeks – but a mixture of drugs, therapy and other support that can help you deal with the way you are feeling. Some mental health illnesses won’t ever completely be cured, but recognising triggers and how to deal with them can make them easily manageable. For example, you could be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder where you can feel very positive one day and very negative the next. Knowing what causes you to feel the way you do can make it a lot easier to treat and manage.

    As others have suggested, talking to someone in your base's welfare or medical department is a really good first step. You may also want to try talking with an organisation such as CALM (http://www.thecalmzone.net/) who run a helpline.

    Best wishes,

    Olly
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i was quite amazed too no 1 even asked me about them i had a story ready and everything ha!
    and the army is obliged to use discharge as an absoloute last resort in cases of mental health especially self harm/suicide for obvious reasons could serve only to increase the intensity of the situation the soldier is in thanx for the coments tho
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    this story made me really sad :(

    hey thanks for the reply, but dont pity me honestly i am a happy person and as i said i do have a gr8 life. its just some info about me to entertain you on these sites and to help make people in a similair position see that they are not alone.
    my life has been tough but so have most, alot are an awful lot worse,
    i only wanted to make a point...people are not always what they seem ;)
    thanks again for the reply
    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont think its a good idea to refer to stuff as you have as "entertainment" for people. Its quite a serious matter, that I and especially a lot of other people feel strongly about around here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote: »
    I dont think its a good idea to refer to stuff as you have as "entertainment" for people. Its quite a serious matter, that I and especially a lot of other people feel strongly about around here.

    although your point is valid and i do understand your position and those that share your views, my point is, my story is as serious or as light as you wish to take it. if my problems are serious to you then i applaud your compassion, but though the subject of suicide is a very serious one and one i would in no way wish to make light of, reading other peoples "real life" accounts of events good or bad for distraction or whatever you use it for is, essentially entertainment.
    my point was more to write something that could make someone in my position feel a little less alone... i would have liiked that i think!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you have achieved what you have set out to do, in all honesty :)

    All I was mentioning was the way things are worded, some people do have issues and are very sensitive about these kind of things, and can find some things triggering to harming themselves.

    However I do commend you on sharing your experiences in the hope of helping others, that is what this place is all about.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tetley wrote: »
    Holy shit man! First of all, i would listen to the advise people above have posted even if you didn't come here for advise. Secondly, let your girlfriend help you with it! If she loves you, she will be more than glad to help you have a better life. You have a great life ahead of you, don't waste it!

    thanks for the reply, i appreciate your concern although this is more of an elongated diary entry than anything else. i wasnt really expecting replies and the things people have put
    thanx tho
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote: »
    I think you have achieved what you have set out to do, in all honesty :)

    All I was mentioning was the way things are worded, some people do have issues and are very sensitive about these kind of things, and can find some things triggering to harming themselves.


    However I do commend you on sharing your experiences in the hope of helping others, that is what this place is all about.

    thank you point taken lol:)
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