Friends

Former Member

Hello everyone and merry Christmas.
Ok, to the point. Half a year ago, I thought I finally got myself friends. During summer it was fun. I was usually able to make people laugh that. I felt I was appreciated, liked, and fun to be with. However, as the time went by, I noticed that less and less people were interested in me (as in a friend).

Now, during Christmas, I find myself being left alone and basically forgotten and not wanted to be with. I feel depressed because of that. Only two people know about me being depressed because of that. I consider those two people, and another person, to be my best friends (two guys and a girl) but to be honest they hardly ever speak to me too. It is usually me that has to start a conversation on msn, for example, I always have to bring something up but they seem to answer because I asked something and they won't speak to me without my input.

I consider myself as a kind, caring, helpful and understanding person and always trying to be like that. I'm never trying to show that I'm depressed because I know that's not going to help and I don't want to nag people "reminding them that I'm their friend" either and most of the time I feel like I'm doing that anyway by "making" them speak to me (that's what I feels like). Ok, fair enough that they have other people they can speak to and that they don't want to spend a whole day talking to me, I don't except that. But is about half an hour of a proper conversation a day too much to ask for? Am I not giving people enough personal space? Am I being annoying and not fun to be with by doing so? I did find that I'm not able to make people laugh as I used to, I don't know how though.

I've started to play the guitar in September (2009) to have a good hobby and even lately I've started exercising to lose some weight as I am not the skinniest around. I did that to forget about this whole friendship thing, to get rid of the stressed and depression that carries with it. There is also school that I have to worry about and the friendship thing doesn't help because to be honest, I have no will to do any homework or revision when I feel depressed whatsoever.

I got told from one of my best friends about these forums as I asked her what she's always busy with that she replies on msn slowly. I finally decided to make a thread about my problem. So, if you can possibly help me somehow do so. I beg all of you.

If I gave insufficient information and you want to know more details I'll be glad to give you as much info as you want.

Thanks for any help.

PS Oh yeah, I moved countries as well about 4 and a half years ago if that information helps anyone.

Former Member

People use capital I within a sentence as thats the way its supposed to be, not arrogant in the slightest.

Sometimes people drift apart over christmas, as odd as it sounds. They spent a lot of time with close family etc.

Former Member

Hi Tetley,

See my thread of a very similar topic
http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthread.php?t=138885

To be honest, part of me knows that real friends are an extreme rareity - you need to focus on yourself, because that's what everyone else is doing unfortunately. Get secure in yourself to the point that friends are merely a bonus. That way, you will carry the confidence to maintain and foster any potential friendship that may come your way.

It's so relentlessly true, that most people are egotistical, self-centred, plainly ignorant idiots. You and I put ourselves out for them, but theres something unconcertingly "unusual" about us to them because we don't fit some "package" they expect our very being to conform to. Don't change a thing.

In fact, flaunt who you are, eventually you will find someone who will respect you for who you are - and not who tolerates you for what you're worth to them. It's an illusion most people have that they are popular, I've figured. Not really, they have a load of what are essentially, associates - who they ensure they surround themselves with to look popular - its a cultural thing - derrived from the cultural sespit we all live in and to make themselves feel good.

This is the 21st century, unfortunately.

Former Member

Hello, thanks for the quick replies.
I don't think of anyone as egoists and stuff like that. I meet people everyday that have friends. Just they don't seem to want to be friends with me.
Plus, i don't see the point in accomplishing something that you can't share the happiness of with your friends. Maybe it's just my imagination because people do say they like me and stuff but it doesn't feel like i'm appreciated.

Former Member

Tetley wrote: »

Plus, i don't see the point in accomplishing something that you can't share the happiness of with your friends. Maybe it's just my imagination because people do say they like me and stuff but it doesn't feel like i'm appreciated.

So what, you are doing things for other people?

This is surely a path to misery, you can't live your life wanting to acomplish things within the eyes of others. Many of the challenges in life are an internal unobservable struggle, not something you can take to show and tell. The goals you set and achive are all that really matter - It's your life, and you can be damn sure most others only really care about theirs ultimately.

It's a sign of maturity to be emotionally independent of others. If all you want is to be "liked" and popular then you should sell yourself to a marketing company or prostitution ring and smile a lot.

Former Member

LiverpoolStephen wrote: »

It's a sign of maturity to be emotionally independent of others. If all you want is to be "liked" and popular then you should sell yourself to a marketing company or prostitution ring and smile a lot.

If you put it this way, i personally can't be bothered doing anything for myself because in the end i will have regrets to myself, not others. You can say i'm lazy but also being depressed helps it. It's funny because all i did until now and what i want to do later in my life is for others. I want to play the guitar because i want to make people smile and have a good time. I want to exercise so i look more attractive to women. I want to study physics in uni in order to make the world a better place using that subject but also because i love physics and you get can get a good paid job with such qualifications. And there i thought i was mature.

Former Member

Tetley wrote: »

If you put it this way, i personally can't be bothered doing anything for myself because in the end i will have regrets to myself, not others. You can say i'm lazy but also being depressed helps it. It's funny because all i did until now and what i want to do later in my life is for others. I want to play the guitar because i want to make people smile and have a good time. I want to exercise so i look more attractive to women. I want to study physics in uni in order to make the world a better place using that subject but also because i love physics and you get can get a good paid job with such qualifications. And there i thought i was mature.

And this is what you have to address, not your image, not your facade - but yourself.

If you want to get "anywhere", you need to focus on yourself. You think all the "important" selfish bastards got to the top pissing around for other people and being polite? No, not usually, most of them are where they are because they went so far to do someone else over. Sad reality.

At the same time, if you want to remain yourself, you'll have to consider how far you're willing to bend your typology, and how far you really want to go. If you want to be revered then you'll have to change, simple as that. But if you want to remain humble, keep integrity and popular in your own right - then don't change a thing.

Most who make the leap end up muddled up indeterminate inbetweens anyway.

Bottom line, do everything you do for you - others will appreciate you more for it.

Former Member

I don't want to be selfish. Not because i don't like thinking that people won't like me because of that, but because i won't feel good about myself. You could say that it's against my oath. I don't care about being popular because it is too much of a bother. I'm no narcis. I just want to have friends i can trurly rely on and have fun with. Not meaning 20 people, not meaning 10 people, but at least 5 or so.

Former Member

real friends are very rare and the effort needed to maintain even casual friendships is alot sometimes.
think of it less seriously or try mentioning it to a particularly close friend with whom communications are troubled
good luck though

PS you wrote "that" or some variation 19times

Former Member

Dear Tetley, please do use "I" correctly. I have no idea of your cultural background, but I am sure you would be irritated if I made deliberate grammatical mistakes in your language, simply because I decided that my culture was right and yours was wrong. There is nothing in the least arrogant about using an upper-case "I" when talking about myself - no more so that starting my first name (or my username) with a capital. Frankly, your insistence on using a lower-case "i" is more offensive. When in Rome ...

Former Member

I apologize, I'm going to change all of them to upper case and use that version from now on. I didn't realise someone would be offended by this.

PS. Relationships with my mates got better, thanks anyone who tried to help, you're awesome :P.

Former Member

Tetley wrote: »

I apologize, I'm going to change all of them to upper case and use that version from now on. I didn't realise someone would be offended by this.

Many thanks. Actually, I didn't express myself very well, and my point may be relevant to your situation. It was not your use of the small "i" that offended me. Lots of people do that while texting or when typing hastily. It looks a bit lazy to my eye, but then I'm an old fart. The issue I had was your justification for your use of "i" instead of "I". You said that you felt it was "arrogant" to use a capital, but in so blatently rejecting correct English grammar, you came across as a touch arrogant yourself.

I normally live in France and, naturally, am required to speak and write French. Imagine how the French would think of me if I suddenly decided that agreeing the form of adjectives with the gender of the noun was in some way "sexist", and refused to do it!

You complained in your original post that people don't seem to have time for you. There might be any number of reasons for this. Don't take this unkindly, but is it possible that you come across as slightly arrogant and/or opinionated in your relationships with your friends?