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I miss hurting myself

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Things have been pretty tough lately, my physical health problems got much worse (colitis/chrones) resulted in me spending a few months in hospital with major surgery, a serious diet change and changes to my daily routine. It's also put my future plans on hold since I graduated from uni this year just before all this shit began. All this has made me (strangely) wish that I could slash my legs and arms up like I used to do back in the old days.
I started self harming with a pen knife (occasionaly punched the door/wall headbutted the door on a few occasions) when I was 16/17 family troubles and arguements just go too much and I had noone at school that I could trust. While every fucker was out in the park on a friday night getting pissed and feeling up girls I was stuck on the computer/watching telly feeling depressed kidding myself that I wasn't lonely and that I would endure blah blah fuckin' blah...
Of course I did endure, but I did the wrong things: I never told my parents that I was lonely, and that I couldn't relate to anyone in my age group (that's another story entirely) and that I was on and off harming myself. I decided that the only way out of this shit hole town was to apply for uni so I would at least be away from my dysfunctional family and my equally dysfunctional relationships with people my age. A fresh start.
Of course doing this meant I had to study hard, which I did sort of...I ended up beign accepted at my first choice. One of the happiest moments of my life.
But then other problems came in, I began to drink heavily since I was friends with idiots who binge drinked and well...to cut a long story short shit got worse and the sadness that I had burried under work, drinking etc...all exploded upwards like a volcanoe. I ended up visting A&E with a massive bleeding gash on my leg. To cut a long story short: this was the beginning of me coming to terms with my problems and me challanging my outlook on life (eCBT was a great help along with a psych) and I got much better than I ever had before. I'm no longer in contact with the old drinking gang that I used to hang out with (two of them didn't graduate!!! LOLZ) and I'm getting some real confidence that doesn't require a few pints of strongbow to work!
The shit thing is at the moment is my recent long stay in hospital and bout of illness that really messed me up. I'm not feeling like cutting myself now but I still get the urge even over silly things and when it's not cutting it's now anger and swearing that bothers me a little bit, along with the occasional panic attacks.
The only two things stopping me from cutting sometimes is the knowledge that it'll upset my parents, and that once I start I won't be able to stop. I'll end up covered in scars. What scares me sometimes is despite me knowing this I don't care, like Heath Ledger I want myself and the whole world to burn.

Anyway sorry for the long whiny post. I needed to get this off my chest.

Adieu! :wave:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there seemless toffee :wave:

    Sounds like a lot has been going on for you over the last few years! What remarkable changes you've brought about for yourself. It sounds hard to find yourself in a low place again - I guess this can happen to anyone when life throws something difficult at you. I hope that letting some of this out here helps to release some of the feelings and you get some support from other users - there are lots of people out there who can relate to what you're going through.

    Anyone around you can talk to about this? Perhaps a friend/ family member or professional you can trust? It sounds very tricky keeping it all bottled up.

    Keep posting and ranting if that helps,

    Take care :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    heya,
    welcome to the boards!! :). that must have been difficult for you - being in hospital and all ya know....sounds good that you have managed not to self harm for a while....well done.
    I went and lived out whilst at univeristy for exactly the same reason - a dysfunctional family which i could not cope with.
    well done for being accepted on your first choice at university - what did you study??
    So glad that you looked at the other aspects of life that are better....i havn't been able to do that yet because my condition(borderline personality disorder) is generally seen as untreatable.
    what happened when you went to a+e as im always scared of what will happen if i turn up at a+e????
    what sort of things were you offered from CBT as it has been a thing that has been floating around as an idea for me.
    Crikey, cant believe that you can keep all of that bottled up....i struggle completely with anything like that - and i really want to s/h all of the time - to get the feelings away and relieved.
    you got anyone to talk to about it???
    lots of love
    xflower123x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    @ Cat treats

    Yeah there are people I can talk to, but I have real issues with asking people for help, and that's something I need to tackle. My best friend (who actually made damn sure I went to hospital that night I slashed my leg open!) is still at uni and lives out in France so I can only talk to him on the phone/msn/facebook.
    My parents already know about my problems, but there are times I'd rather not involve them, because both my parents have depression and anxiety we all get caught up in what my pyschartrist calls "an emotional washing machine", plus it's hard to get them to just sit down and listen in the first place! (I'm making them sound horrible, but trust me they're not...)
    My pyschartrist is still happy to talk to me, but he does worry that I label myself too much, but still I could talk to him if I wanted to...

    @ Precious

    Sorry to hear you relapsed again. My urge to relapse is linked to my anniversry on when I last hurt myself (this time last year) so thanks for the suggestions.

    @ flower

    I studied English Lit and Creative writing. Did you enjoy your subject?
    Sorry about the BPD, I'm not that familiar with it, only that someone I used to go to school with is now convinced that she suffers from it :(
    When you go to a&e they ask what's happened then they asses what risk you're at mentally (all they do is ask questions), and then they fix you up. That's it really. Afterwards they ask if you need proffesional help and because I was fed up of feeling so down most of the time, I took the offer of talking to a mental health nurse in the next few days. Doing this was my first step towards recovery. I will say one thing though, if it hadn't of been for my mate helping me I probably wouldn't of ended up going to a&e and would have been in a much worse state. If you're scared of going, try and see if you can get someone you trust to go with you and wait in the waiting room.

    Thanks guys!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    flower123 wrote: »
    heya,
    what sort of things were you offered from CBT as it has been a thing that has been floating around as an idea for me.

    xflower123x

    I missed this..

    It might be an idea to talk to your GP and ask if CBT will help control your BPD because I don't know if it will.

    CBT helped me A LOT, it was the best thing I ever did! But you really do need to stick it out, and do the homework that you're given otherwise there's no point. I won't lie, it is a bit hard at first, the first three or four sessions sound useless, but when you begin to interact and do the suggestions they give you it really does work wonders.

    They offer you "feel good" things to do such working out, drawing, doing your favourite hobby etc...the good things you do release good chemicals in your brain making you feel much better.
    But the best thing it did for me was help me to challange "core beliefs" which was the root of my problem. They help you to find evidence for and against beliefs like "I'm fat" "I'm lazy" "I'm ugly" "I fail at everything" etc...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    heya,
    im studyin in my second year and i love it - very stressful but will be worthwhile in the end i think....im doing forensic psychology and criminal justice. thanks for the a+e information it is really helpful - i went to a+e last term when i felt suicidal and the doctor asked me if i was at risk of killing myself still - and basically asked if she could trust me to go home.
    Yeh i kinda need CBT with a professional as ive been given self help stuff and i really can't do it on my own. Either that or they may offer me DBT - i think it is dialetic behavioural therapy but not sure what that one is about.
    hope that you are ok. x
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