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The Assassin (Ch1-3)

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Repost of a past story with more chapters added, Comments and Constructive Criticism welcomed

The man perched himself on a small patch of tiles at the top of the building. He had been following his target for 2 entire months, and for what; a 10 second job for some easy money? “No“, he thought to himself. He brushed a hand through his infinitely black hair, feeling the sweat from the sheer anticipation of what he was about to do.

At the same time, the target sat inside a posh restaurant, enjoying a portion of cheesecake. His name was Teuril Mensuta, and he was a well respected businessman. Unfortunately, Teuril tended to do as he willed, regardless of who he offended. Little did he know that this meal would be his last, and as he exited the restaurant, the assassins plan commenced.

The door to the restaurant swung open and the man who had been so calm instantly reacted. Standing, he proceeded to jump from the top of the building, snatching a small, slender H&K USP from his trouser pocket and shooting once. The bullet hit with perfect accuracy to the forehead.
Of the wrong man.
The assassin landed softly on the floor, distributing his weight. “Denzel Avens. I should have know it.” Teuril said, his voice tainted with hatred. “What is your problem with me?” He asked, never breaking eye contact. Denzel found it hard to match this, but still spoke softly and calmly. “I know what your doing Mensuta. I know all about your plans to bring back the Celands.” Teuril glared at him. “What’s your point?” He whispered after what felt like an eternity to Denzel. “The point is” Denzel replied, raising his pistol “That you aren’t going to see tomorrow.”
Another bullet was fired, and the now silent and still corpse of Teuril Mensuta dropped to the floor.

Denzel was a man of skill, an expert in his field. It was no wonder then, that instead of sleeping that night, he stayed up wondering how he managed to miss Teuril from such close quarters. “It was just a bad shot” he reassured himself over and over until the sun finally began to splinter across the earth, and Denzel Avens was yet again made to get up and see his boss.

Skipping breakfast, he proceeded to get dressed hurriedly, throwing on a brand new jacket and grabbing the nearest watch to him. He headed down to his sleek silver Audi R8, making sure he wasn’t being watched or followed; In his line of work, it was particularly easy to make enemies, so Denzel was always cautious of his surroundings.

After 20 minutes of driving through some of the most covert routes Denzel has ever seen, he reached his bosses headquarters, and as he rolled up quietly to the door, he could have sworn he saw a glimpse of someone run away into the nearby woods. Someone or something.
Something familiar.
Snapping out of his daze, he swiftly moved to the door and knocked three times, slowly and exactly, always striking the exact same position. The door swung open and a tall, bold, executive looking man stepped out and grabbed Denzel’s hand, pulling him into the rather violent handshake Denzel had grown accustomed to every time he met with this man. The man of course, was his boss, A Mr O’Neil. Originally from Ireland, he moved to London after the murder of his wife and children and began a business in assassination. Denzel had always been fond of Mr O’Neil. Everyone always expected him to be some crazy bloodthirsty man, but really he was just a human being with a terrible, corrupted past.

Finally releasing his grip, he looked at Denzel and said peacefully “Lets go for a walk. We need to talk.” He began to pace away slowly, staying just close enough to Denzel so they could talk face to face. “How did it go?” Asked O’Neil slowly and quietly, looking rather far off. “Fine, Mensuta is gone, nobody is left to bring back the Celands.” Replied Denzel, a light grin forming on his face, only to be shattered by O’Neil’s next words. “They are already back.”
For the next 7 minutes or so, Denzel found it almost impossible to form a complete sentence. “Bu..Wha..Whe..” he stuttered repetitively, eventually stopped by O’Neil, who slowly raised a finger to Denzel’s lips in a quietening manner. “Yes, they are back. Mensuta, it would seem, was but a distracting to lure us away from the real culprit.”
Denzel, who was finding this information hard to digest, decided to sit down on a nearby stump due to the fact he felt as if he was about to collapse. “Listen, I’m going to leave you to let it sink in. I’ll send an assistant along to look after you.” Said O’Neil, patting Denzel on the shoulder and walking away. Approximately 1 minute later, a tall, cheery looking girl strode across the compound towards Denzel. He stood to greet her, when suddenly his eyes blanked and Denzel’s legs gave way.

He awoke with a start, flinging his upper body forwards violently. “Calm down, you have suffered some form of mental breakdown and shaking around like a mad man isn’t going to help.” Said a soft, girlish voice. Denzel swung around to see the assistant from before, who passed him a glass of freezing cold water. “Thanks” He coughed out, downing the glass of water quickly. ”Mr Avens?” Said the assistant “Yes?” Replied Denzel, wiping a small bit of blood from his forehead “I..I was wondering if you could tell me about the Celands.” She questioned, sounding almost ashamed to ask. Denzel cracked his neck violently and rested his head on his knuckles. “Where to begin” he said with a resentful twinge to his voice.

“The Celands” He said, almost disgusted to utter the word “Are a group of incredibly powerful demons, who together possess the power and ability to destroy anything that stands in their path. They feel no guilt and are void of all morality, which makes them perfect for their jobs.” A confused look spread over the assistants face, which had since recovered from her abash state. “Their jobs?” She asked, enthralled. Denzel took a deep breath in. “The Celands were created for one single cause- to find the Core Gem. Are you aware of what the Core Gem is?” He asked patiently. The assistant replied confidently “Yes, the Core Gem is a shard broken from the core of a now destroyed-or rather imploded-planet. No one has seen it since it landed in one of Area 51’s hangars and was took by some kind of entity.” She finished, looking slightly proud of herself. Denzel was impressed. “Well done, I hadn’t expected you to know that much about it. Is it part of your case study?” He questioned, and she nodded slowly. “Thank you Mr. Avens, this has really helped” She said, standing up to leave and smiling softly. She reached out and shook his hand, before dashing off inside, pen and clipboard flailing madly.

Denzel was just beginning to regain the feeling in his legs, when a freezing cold chill passed over him.
He wasn’t alone.
A wild scream was emitted from behind, and Denzel was blasted powerfully into a nearby forest. He quickly stood, barely avoiding a stream of black energy by sheer chance. He could not see a thing, and when he finally could, he regretted it.
Before him stood something that looked like a cross between a werewolf and a harpy. Loading his USP, Denzel began to move backwards, never taking his eyes from the beast. Denzel locked sights with it, and roaring demonically, it pounced.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My problem with this is that the story doesn't seem to know what kind of story it is. There seems to be a lot mixed up in there - assassins with a slightly oriental feel, but then a bit gangster, too. But modern western weaponary and vehicles. And then we switch over and get all fantasy and medievil. It's a lot of switching and, for me, it doesn't quite work.

    Certainly you can mix up fantasy with modern settings, but something has to be consistent to set the scene. In fact maybe your story elements would work if it were longer and you'd given more time to setting the scene, but obviously that doesn't come across in a quick 3 paragraph snippet.

    For me, I think I'd want to sort out what sort of genre I want the story to be, and then flesh that side out a bit more.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you like mixing up the kind of genre worlds your dealing with then I'd really recommend taking a look at Burrough's Cities of the Red Night triology.

    Obviously the sodomy can be a bit of off-putting for some but the core concept of a 'do anything, be anywhere' fantasy based on Burrough's own personal mythology can be pretty inriguing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated :)

    Mist, that was what I was going for, as I am trying to get it to roll out and be explained as the main storyline progresses, but yeah, I do think to begin the concepts and ideas seem a little complex when mixed. Thanks for the advice

    Jim, i'll look into getting it, that could potentially help with inspiration, thanks :thumb:
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