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My GF's Past

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
It’s been a hell of a month. I am 20, and my Girlfriend is 18 and we have been together for just short of a year.

14 Days ago my girlfriend rang me in floods of tears, explaining to me that her father's best friend had tried to have sex with her 14 year old sister. The Guy in question had also been sleeping with the next door neighbour's 14 Year old daughter consensually for months. Disgusting or what. The guy is over 30 years old, and has recently gotten married and had a child with the woman he has been with for several years.

I tried to be there for her and her family as much as possible, whilst still trying to deal with my own problems (Father had just had a stroke). Over the week that followed lots of tension grew between us, we were both upset and angry. Over the weekend we ended up fighting. After much talking (Several Hours) we managed to solve lots of our problems, we felt loads better and almost felt back on track. That night we had a fantastic night together and it reminded us both why we were together in the first place.

After being apart for a few days to be with our families my Girlfriend rang me again, after presumably having a stroke of conscience...
She then proceeded to tell me that 6 weeks before we had met, she had been shagging the paedophilic guy mentioned earlier, for months... whilst he was still with his Fiancé with a baby on the way. I have never been so horrified and furious before in my life. The thought of this made me physically sick. I was so repulsed that I couldn't even talk to her properly.
The fact that she was only 17 at the time; he had was engaged and had a child coming; and that he was 30 years old makes my skin crawl.

Since then our relationship has dwindled... I asked for some time apart and she gave it to me. She loves me very much and I have very strong feelings for her too, but the problem I'm having is coming to terms with her past, what makes it worse is that this isn't the only time she's been with a much much older man.

I want to be with her, but knowing that she can abuse the trust of her father, and fuck around with his best friend, as well as the fact that the guy in question was almost twice her age makes me feel sick, and I'm almost repulsed by her. Not to mention that she was able to actually sleep with him knowing he was engaged to a woman she got on with very well, and to keep this secret hidden away effortlessly for almost a year.

I want to get past this and trust her but I don't know if I ever will. I want to kill the guy, and find out exactly what happened between them and why she did it; but I have no idea if that will just make my feelings for her worse.

I have to decide whether to work on the issue or get out whilst I can...

Any Advice?... Please...

:banghead:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're repulsed by her?? By what, exactly? By the fact she had sex with someone, before she was with you?

    So there's an issue of the (im)morality involved in sleeping with someone who is engaged to someone else, which isn't ideal, although happens reasonably often and certainly doesn't seem to warrant repulsion or disgust. Disappointment, shock maybe, but not this extreme reaction.

    The fact he's older than her, and her father's friend, is neither here nor there. She was old enough to be having consensual sex with him. I can't quite work out what you think she has done that's so terrible.

    She however must be distraught, that this guy who she doubtless had feelings for at one time has turned out to be a sexual predator who is now trying to exploit her sister. Your girlfriend deserves your love and support, as she's going through a lot. And you are currently behaving terribly and making it all about you. Why don't you stop and think how she must be feeling and what it must be like for her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamelia wrote: »
    You're repulsed by her?? By what, exactly? By the fact she had sex with someone, before she was with you?

    Not by her as such, but by the whole scenario. At some point she must have clicked and thought, Hold On: This is my dad's friend, I'm 17 and he's over 30, He has a Fiance and a kid. Yet she was still attracted to him. Just that thought weirds me out a little and make's me feel a little differently about her.

    And althouth I didn't explain properly in my post, I really have been there for her, right up until she told me this. She was distrought about what happened to he sister, and I was there with he the whole time to make sure she was ok. She's even told me that she couldn't have got through it without me. I'm not saying this for brownie points or anything, just thought It was important to say.

    Thanks Jamelia.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    LBXYM wrote: »
    Not by her as such, but by the whole scenario. At some point she must have clicked and thought, Hold On: This is my dad's friend, I'm 17 and he's over 30, He has a Fiance and a kid. Yet she was still attracted to him. Just that thought weirds me out a little and make's me feel a little differently about her.

    And althouth I didn't explain properly in my post, I really have been there for her, right up until she told me this. She was distrought about what happened to he sister, and I was there with he the whole time to make sure she was ok. She's even told me that she couldn't have got through it without me. I'm not saying this for brownie points or anything, just thought It was important to say.

    Thanks Jamelia.
    Fair enough. But I think disgust is an extreme and unnecessary reaction.

    Yeah, she fucked up, she shouldn't have had an affair with someone who was engaged and had a kid. But she's not the bad guy there! Chances are, she loved him, or cared about him. He's the one with the family. I know it's a shock to find out that she could do something like that. But go easy on her - she's young, we all make mistakes, especially when we are in love.

    This must all be awful for her, and it will be made ten times worse by thinking that you are judging her. Try to forgive her mistake, which in the great scheme of things, is small, especially in comparison with the scumbag bloke in question. She really will need your love and support right now, which will mean you need to be accepting and forgiving of her past mistakes. It's easy to be supportive when you thought she was pure and innocent, but now you know about her past, and now things have got difficult, this is when she will really need to know you love and accept her.

    And everyone has a past. The fact that she's had sex with people before you, and that they happened to be a fair bit older than her, is nothing to be angry with her for. She's done nothing wrong on that score.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you obviously have never been in a situation like this before. Also what you forget is the fact the, yes he should be there to love and support her through this, she made this situation worse by not telling her other half. There is alot more to consider than what you said.

    Why assume I don't know what I'm talking about?

    You're the one who needs to take on board the complexity of the situation. It must have been very difficult for her to tell him, knowing first, that she had done something wrong by sleeping with the bloke in the first place, and second, that it turns out he's a total scumbag. That kind of thing would be very difficult to tell anyone, even your partner. She did eventually though, and by punishing her for admitting what has happened in the past, he's suggesting that she made a mistake in telling him. Now she's told him, he has judged her and he has changed his feelings for - you can't blame her for keeping quiet, can you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Obviously this is a very tough and traumatic situation to be faced with. I agree with a lot of what's been said already. What I would say with regards to the morality from your girlfriend's point of view is, although at 17 she was old enough to consent it may not have been something she actively pursued. Perhaps your girlfriend has known this guy for a number of years It's possible her attraction may have started as a crush when she was a younger teenager, so her getting with him may have been the result of a steady build up of him allowing her to fall for her? This could be a reason for her not telling you straightaway.

    Young girls do sometimes have a tendency to sometimes let older guys decide the nature of a relationship, so it may be she didn't know how to handle the situation when he made a move on her. Most women will at some stage have had some physical encounter which went further than they wanted, either because the other person ignored what they were saying or the person didn't feel comfortable saying no. It can often take people time to fully understand their actions. It's not just a case of waking up at 16 and knowing how you should behave in a relationship/sexual situation. The fact is someone can tell you that getting involved with someone who's taken is wrong, but until you've actually been in love and in a stable relationship yourself, for some people the reality of infidelity doesn't hit home.

    I'll admit my response is based on the assumption that this guy has seduced 2 underage girls, so I'm guessing he initiated some form of interest towards your girlfriend. Even if this isn't the case, I do think if there have been no issues with her cheating within your relationship to date, it's probably worth taking some time to see if you can deal with the shock, then try to support her some more. I think you have every right to feel angry and need some time to get your head around what's happened, but at the end of the day it needs to be your decision whether or not you stay in the relationship. As Jamelia says your girlfriend is going to need a lot of love and support at the moment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'll admit my response is based on the assumption that this guy has seduced 2 underage girls, so I'm guessing he initiated some form of interest towards your girlfriend. Even if this isn't the case, I do think if there have been no issues with her cheating within your relationship to date, it's probably worth taking some time to see if you can deal with the shock, then try to support her some more. I think you have every right to feel angry and need some time to get your head around what's happened, but at the end of the day it needs to be your decision whether or not you stay in the relationship. As Jamelia says your girlfriend is going to need a lot of love and support at the moment.

    Great guess. From what I understand so far, and from the limited info she's told me, that is what happened. She's known him for 8 years. She said he'd do things like invite her round to watch a DVD, she'd assume it was including his Fiance, then when she got there it'd just be him and her. And after that, i'm guessing things just went further and further till they were sleeping together.

    This guy in question is a weedy,manipulative coward, so he would not have been aggressive or abusive. He would have led her on and told her anything she wanted to hear to get her in bed. That alone is disgusting. And at 17 she would not have known how do deal with that, even after having several boyfriends.

    I guess I'm finding difficult to relate becasue I know I'm a very strong willed person, and I could never see myself getting manipulated like that, which is what makes me think; She's not a pushover herself, so she must have really been into the older guy thing. And thats the thing I find weird and a bit pervy.

    What I'm also really worried about is that they may have been in contact and seeing each other when I started seeing her, but I guess that's something I'll have to take her word for :(. And after keeping this secret from me and her whole family for almost a year, can I really trust her?

    I will try and give her the support she needs, but I don't know if I can just yet.

    Thanks for all the replies guys, its so nice to get this off my chest.

    Anything else you wanna post is welcome.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What's pervy about having a thing for older men? Lots of women do, it's not uncommon.

    You should try and focus your outrage and disgust on the bloke. It sounds like your girlfriend is just one among his many victims.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think in some ways this is the point and possibly why your girlfriend was reluctant to tell you straightaway... 'weedy cowards' are often the last people you expect to pose a threat when you're young and inexperienced with the opposite sex. Often because trusted acquaintances never get to see the manipulative side. Even in the case of a strong willed person, it may be they have enough self confidence not to feel the need to flirt too much with strangers and create unwanted attention, but with someone you know and trust it can be easy to overstep the mark without realising. Or it's not uncommon for someone not to know how to say no forcefully once faced with such a situation. Effectively you have to forget the fact they may have been perfectly nice to you up until that point enough to say something to jeopardise your friendship with them. Also, when it's a friend of friends or family, that adds to the confusion.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why are you pissed off she kept it from you?!

    At the end of the day it's not really any of your business is it?!.. She was sleeping with him BEFORE she got with you and she decided to tell you because she trusts you and wanted to share it with you, you should feel happy that she feels that way about you and is willing to share stuff with you that she's not comfortable telling anyone else.


    Personally i think jamelia is spot on and you're dealing it with it like a immature little shitbag... Get over yourself, grow a set of balls, be a man and go make sure she's ok.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    Mr CW wrote: »

    Personally i think jamelia is spot on and you're dealing it with it like a immature little shitbag... Get over yourself, grow a set of balls, be a man and go make sure she's ok.

    Woah easy - there's no need for that level of insult. People are much more likely to take your comments on board if you make your point without attacking them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mr CW wrote: »
    Why are you pissed off she kept it from you?!

    I agree. I don't understand why you're mad about that. I didn't realise there was some sort of rule that when you start a new relationship you have to tell the other person who else you have slept with.

    I can understand if you have had that conversation and she has withheld that information, but if that's the case then obviously she was ashamed of her actions and knew that you would think less of her.

    Either way it sounds like you both have a good relationship, don't let some bloke in her PAST ruin your future together.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its probably not an ideal basis for a relationship that youre disgusted and repulsed by your partner.

    I would assume in this situation shes probably feeling quite hurt that someone she was with has turned out to be a sexual predator of young girls
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **helen** wrote: »
    Woah easy - there's no need for that level of insult. People are much more likely to take your comments on board if you make your point without attacking them.



    Sorry, but he sounded like he needed a kick in the arse to get his act together and see some sense. He's obviously not taking on board what people have said when they touched on the subject without saying it outright.

    At the end of the day, he's acting like a spoilt little child who's crying cause the world he lives in ain't everything he wants it to be. At the end of the day, that's life...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mr CW wrote: »

    At the end of the day, he's acting like a spoilt little child who's crying cause the world he lives in ain't everything he wants it to be. At the end of the day, that's life...

    And at the end of the day some people deal with things better than others. Those that find it harder are the those that need some support not abuse. It's not like this thread is 5 pages long, give the guy chance and he might take some of the advice. If he doesn't then it's not your problem anyway so relax! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i am relaxed.

    I wouldn't have said anything else on the matter at all if i'd not been pulled up on it.

    Instead i'm explaining why i said what i said.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be fair I think the OP is handling this pretty maturely. He's only found out about the full situation a few days ago, he's asking his girlfriend for space and asking for outside opinions. Far better he recognises he's maybe not in a position to support her as much as he'd like at the moment, rather than pretend he's 100% dealt with his feelings of anger etc than take it out on his girlfriend without meaning to somewhere down the line. This is likely to cause her more harm than good in the long term.

    It's not exactly a situation most of us will be in either. OP doesn't seem to be saying that he has an issue with his girlfriend having had previous sexual partners in general terms, but this abusive guy in particular and the idea of her past attraction to older men. Given the context of the situation, I think him wondering about this is understandable. When you're in love with someone, you don't like to think of them having got into a situation when they can be potentially vulnerable and get hurt. Yes, there is nothing wrong with a girl being attracted to an older man, but when you later find out the relationship may have had at least an element of abusive, there are naturally going to be other feelings which crop up and have to be dealt with.

    Also, it seems like this situation wouldn't have come to light if his girlfriend's sister hadn't been preyed on. So OP is having to deal with knowing more about his girlfriend's sexual past than normally would be expected within a relationship. It's not as though he has started a thread saying one night he demanded to know everything about his girlfriend's past and he found out some things he didn't want to know and now can't handle it.
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