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talking to your partner and parents about abuse

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i make no secret - well IRL i do but only no to be stigmatised even more than i am already, being a child of the care system, and having mental health issues - that i was abused from the age of 4 right up until i was nearly 16. It happened in various ways and by various people, many of whom were entrusted to look after me.

After my breakdown in April, i've spent a lot of time trying to sort out my head - i've been on medication, i've had psychiatry, psychology, art therapy and i've been given a shed load of books to look at. right now the art therapy and the books are really helping, but they are bringing up a lot of shit from my memory, in the form of flashbacks.

When i have flashbacks i like to talk to someone about them and try and make myself feel safe again, but i'm finding the response i'm getting really difficult to deal with. My mother is the worst. i think she finds it very hard to deal with as a lot of the abuse when on under her nose, and because she was ill and bedbound, there was little she could do about it, even if she had known at the time. I have spent many hours talking about it with her, and much of that time had been spent crying but she rarely makes me feel better when i tell her about them.

Last night i was trying to get hold of her, and eventually i did, i told her about these 2 particular flashbacks i had - one which involved being forced into acts i didn't want to do when i was about 14 with older male friends of my then best friend. her reaction to it was - well, its life, these things happen. fair enough, yes i agree shit happens, but that doesn't make me feel any better about what happened, it made me feel like it was almost something i had to go through, some fucked up right of passage.

I talked to my boyfriend about it, who has been very supportive, and he did the thing of -its not your fault, and it was very wrong, but its in the past now, and you are safe - which kinda helped, but he feels awkward about it, because he just doesn't really know what to do or say. he knows what to do when i have fits, or if i go into a bit of a downer, but flashbacks seem a bit hard to deal with. We were meant to go on a course for survivors of childhood abuse and their partners, but we couldn't afford it...

Now, i'm not really too sure of what i'm asking here, but i think i need some advice of what i could do to help my mother stop saying things which i'm finding quite hurtful, and what i can do to make my boyfriend feel "better informed". I've tryed to explain it to him, but i find it really difficult

i don't really know what to do...

(thanks for reading to the end of this post if you actually have, i'm sorry about the length)

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    maybe your mum could join some group for families of abuse survivors (if there is one) to help with techniques for helping you, or at least to help her stop making things worse.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    she's in spain and there really isn't any kind of groups like that there. that sort of thing realy isn't talked about over there...

    i wonder if there is a book i could get her instead
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we had a discussion today about with - my boyfriend is feeling completely frazzled, and although he wants to help and is fine with comforting me and discussing these things, he said he was feeling like my carer and my therapist rather than my boyfriend...we've had a rough few weeks and for a new relationship its been pretty testing, so i think we are going to have some space for a while and not talk about this kinda stuff for a while until we find a comfortable way to do it for the both of us.

    spoke to my mum, and she said i misunderstood her - which is easy to do when your talking about this kinda thing on an international call.

    I think i need to take a step back and stop this stuff taking over my life.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    May be the best bet for the time being would be to find someone detached to chat through. It's pretty heavy going for a new relationship and while obviously completely hiding things from your boyfriend, it's not the kind of thing that falls naturally into something that's still finding its feet.

    I realise it won't go as far towards being the comfort, but maybe give someone like the samaritans a call and chat things through with them when you want someone to talk to, may help prevent over loading the people you've currently got.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    the samaritans in my opinion, are a pile of wank. theres only 2 helplines i've found one is only in term time, and the other only at certain times on certain days.

    i should be talking to my therapist about this stuff, but sometimes its a bit too much to hold in until the next session
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    the samaritans arent a pile of wank, but theyre a listening service, not a counselling service, which a lot of people get confused about. It depends what you want from them
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    the samaritans arent a pile of wank, but theyre a listening service, not a counselling service

    :thumb:

    It annoys the fuck out of me when people slag off the Samaritans.

    They're there to listen. Doesn't matter who you are, what you've done there's always someone to listen to you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well i'm sorry, i've just never found them of any use, other people may find them helpful but i haven't...maybe a pile of wank was a bit strong...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey,

    Im new to the site but i kinda know what you are going through..
    when i was 6 i was raped, when i was 14 i was raped again and tried to kill myself. When i finally told my mom in my hospital bed what had happened all she said was it was my own fault and i was an attention seeker. The guy who i was with when this all happened is still my boyfriend now.. but in between then and now we both had a seperation. the guy i got with beat me every day and when i was pregnant threatened to slit my throat. yet again looking to my mom for comfort i got told to grin and bear it.. it was a part of life.

    There are plenty of people online who will sit and chat with you and i know its not the same as face to face... but i find it helps to talk to someone who doesnt know me and knows what i am going through.
    It is awful that you had to go through that when you were younger.. but the fact you are able to talk about it is a great help. many people do what i did and clam up and dont talk to anyone. You also are very lucky to have a bf who will sit and talk about it.. as uncomfortable as it may make him feel.
    If its any help i may not be able to reply straight away but i always reply to my emails and am usually online late at night as my bf works til 1.30am... so if you want to talk to me then pm me and we can go from there.

    Sorry to ramble on a bit lol.. Hope this has helped though. :wave:
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