If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
Please help!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have written on here before, but the post was rather long so I shall make this one shorter.
I am 25, live with my partner who is 29, divorced and a father of 2. We moved into my sister’s house a year ago while we saved for a deposit, no money has been saved, but my dad has a house which we are going to rent from him, the plan was for us to gradually buy it from him. I have just learned this morning that the current tenant is moving out tomorrow and we can move in next week.
S**t was my immediate reaction. My partner has child support to pay and a lot of debt, I’m not sure how much he pays out each month, but I know it is more than half his wages. Then there is his share of rent to my sister, food, and diesel for the car. He isn’t good with money, and generally tends to run out after 2 weeks. I then step in and we live off my wages for the rest of the month. I don’t have any debt which means after paying rent, my phone bill and gym membership, I have more expendable cash than he does. However I rarely get to enjoy it as it quickly gets spent on food, diesel and on things when the children are round. I have been trying to speak to him about finances for months, I have asked him whether he thinks we can afford to rent the house from my dad and pay the bills and he is adamant that we can, I am not too sure, I am also worried that things will continue as they are, I have said things need to change I don’t want to be broke every month, he says each time that it will improve, but it hasn’t. This month it was worse – we had to cash in the copper jars so we could buy food! I pay off some of his debts, last week for instance he borrowed £50 from me to pay his ex-wife back! I loaned him £1600 last August for a motor bike test and a motor bike, he said he’d give me £100 a month back, but hasn’t. Having lived with him for a year longer, I know he can’t afford it, and even if he did give it to me, there would be no point as he’d only run out of money sooner than usual. I should also mention that the bike was perfectly road worthy except it needed headlights so he could ride it at night, he began working on this a couple months after having the bike, but it remains in pieces and unfinished.
On top of this, the children stay round every weekend, only for one night, but usually 2 days, it has been this way since we moved in with my sister. I get on very well with the children, and do not begrudge the time my partner spends with them, he is a good father and his children are young (9 and 4) and need him. We take them on days out, go to the park, go for ice-cream, play at home in the garden, go to the cinema – all the things you are meant to do with kids, but we rarely do much just for ‘us’, and when we do I am sometimes disappointed as I have had to pay for most, if not everything. Sometimes I get the money back as he will then buy the groceries (which are usually cheaper), but it’s not the same and tends to put a damper on things.
Usually he would go round his ex’s house twice a week to look after the girls while she is out. I drive to hers and pick him up at 11pm – I got him the bike so I wouldn’t have to do this anymore, or sometimes he takes my car, which leaves me stuck in for the evening. For the last month the children have stayed round one night during the week as it means less running around for both of us, eventually the plan is for them to stay round another night each week too. If I’m honest I don’t know if I will be able to cope. I have noticed over the last few months that I feel agitated when the children are over, and I feel trapped. I feel envious of my friends when I see photos of them going out and having fun, being spontaneous and booking a last minute holiday, or driving to London for a weekend because they fancied a change of scenery. I on the other hand don’t go out much, and if I do it is a few drinks with my partner and my sister and brother in law at the local pubs. I’m 25! I want to go out to swanky bars, dance the night away in clubs, let my hair down at the weekends. Instead I’m sat at home watching TV because we have no money or the kids are over so I stay in. I have gone out a couple times when the children have been over but they complain if they don’t see me and tell me the next day that they missed me, my partner will tell me the kids missed me, but not say that he did.
After two years, I’m not sure if I can do this anymore. I feel like I’m living somebody else’s life as mine passes me by. I have always thought very highly of marriage, and it is something that I have always wanted. But if I’m honest, despite thinking last year that I’d marry him, if my partner were to ask me, I’d probably say no. So if I know that, if I know this relationship isn’t the one I want to be in forever, why can’t I break up with him? I have thought about it since December – Christmas is an important time of year for me. My family decided to go away, Christmas eve – boxing day. My sister and brother in law did not come away with us as they had to visit my bother in law’s Dad who had cancer. Despite this they planned to drive to our hotel and join us after Christmas lunch and stay till we left boxing day. I knew my partner had commitments to his children – Christmas eve and Christmas morning, but he was invited to travel with my sister to see us, he declined and went drinking at his cousins house. Christmas made me realise that not only would I have to come second to him, I would also have to sacrifice things that I wanted in order to be with him, I don’t think I can do that anymore. But when I think about not having him in my life I feel very sad, and don’t want to end it, I think that I can try harder and make it work. I think if it was just him, no ex-wife, no children then it would work, and then reality hits and I remember I can’t have one without the other.
Now I am due to move into a house with him next week, the children are away till next Friday with their Aunt, so it would be a good time to talk to him, but I don’t know how to, or what to say that won’t make him think I am speaking badly of his children.
I am 25, live with my partner who is 29, divorced and a father of 2. We moved into my sister’s house a year ago while we saved for a deposit, no money has been saved, but my dad has a house which we are going to rent from him, the plan was for us to gradually buy it from him. I have just learned this morning that the current tenant is moving out tomorrow and we can move in next week.
S**t was my immediate reaction. My partner has child support to pay and a lot of debt, I’m not sure how much he pays out each month, but I know it is more than half his wages. Then there is his share of rent to my sister, food, and diesel for the car. He isn’t good with money, and generally tends to run out after 2 weeks. I then step in and we live off my wages for the rest of the month. I don’t have any debt which means after paying rent, my phone bill and gym membership, I have more expendable cash than he does. However I rarely get to enjoy it as it quickly gets spent on food, diesel and on things when the children are round. I have been trying to speak to him about finances for months, I have asked him whether he thinks we can afford to rent the house from my dad and pay the bills and he is adamant that we can, I am not too sure, I am also worried that things will continue as they are, I have said things need to change I don’t want to be broke every month, he says each time that it will improve, but it hasn’t. This month it was worse – we had to cash in the copper jars so we could buy food! I pay off some of his debts, last week for instance he borrowed £50 from me to pay his ex-wife back! I loaned him £1600 last August for a motor bike test and a motor bike, he said he’d give me £100 a month back, but hasn’t. Having lived with him for a year longer, I know he can’t afford it, and even if he did give it to me, there would be no point as he’d only run out of money sooner than usual. I should also mention that the bike was perfectly road worthy except it needed headlights so he could ride it at night, he began working on this a couple months after having the bike, but it remains in pieces and unfinished.
On top of this, the children stay round every weekend, only for one night, but usually 2 days, it has been this way since we moved in with my sister. I get on very well with the children, and do not begrudge the time my partner spends with them, he is a good father and his children are young (9 and 4) and need him. We take them on days out, go to the park, go for ice-cream, play at home in the garden, go to the cinema – all the things you are meant to do with kids, but we rarely do much just for ‘us’, and when we do I am sometimes disappointed as I have had to pay for most, if not everything. Sometimes I get the money back as he will then buy the groceries (which are usually cheaper), but it’s not the same and tends to put a damper on things.
Usually he would go round his ex’s house twice a week to look after the girls while she is out. I drive to hers and pick him up at 11pm – I got him the bike so I wouldn’t have to do this anymore, or sometimes he takes my car, which leaves me stuck in for the evening. For the last month the children have stayed round one night during the week as it means less running around for both of us, eventually the plan is for them to stay round another night each week too. If I’m honest I don’t know if I will be able to cope. I have noticed over the last few months that I feel agitated when the children are over, and I feel trapped. I feel envious of my friends when I see photos of them going out and having fun, being spontaneous and booking a last minute holiday, or driving to London for a weekend because they fancied a change of scenery. I on the other hand don’t go out much, and if I do it is a few drinks with my partner and my sister and brother in law at the local pubs. I’m 25! I want to go out to swanky bars, dance the night away in clubs, let my hair down at the weekends. Instead I’m sat at home watching TV because we have no money or the kids are over so I stay in. I have gone out a couple times when the children have been over but they complain if they don’t see me and tell me the next day that they missed me, my partner will tell me the kids missed me, but not say that he did.
After two years, I’m not sure if I can do this anymore. I feel like I’m living somebody else’s life as mine passes me by. I have always thought very highly of marriage, and it is something that I have always wanted. But if I’m honest, despite thinking last year that I’d marry him, if my partner were to ask me, I’d probably say no. So if I know that, if I know this relationship isn’t the one I want to be in forever, why can’t I break up with him? I have thought about it since December – Christmas is an important time of year for me. My family decided to go away, Christmas eve – boxing day. My sister and brother in law did not come away with us as they had to visit my bother in law’s Dad who had cancer. Despite this they planned to drive to our hotel and join us after Christmas lunch and stay till we left boxing day. I knew my partner had commitments to his children – Christmas eve and Christmas morning, but he was invited to travel with my sister to see us, he declined and went drinking at his cousins house. Christmas made me realise that not only would I have to come second to him, I would also have to sacrifice things that I wanted in order to be with him, I don’t think I can do that anymore. But when I think about not having him in my life I feel very sad, and don’t want to end it, I think that I can try harder and make it work. I think if it was just him, no ex-wife, no children then it would work, and then reality hits and I remember I can’t have one without the other.
Now I am due to move into a house with him next week, the children are away till next Friday with their Aunt, so it would be a good time to talk to him, but I don’t know how to, or what to say that won’t make him think I am speaking badly of his children.
0
Comments
You are supposed to hang out with your friends and find somebody you really love and are passionate about. Then you'll be hanging with your friends as a couple and eventually have a family.
It seems to me that you must be in a constant stress like this. It's no good. You can't tell him to get rid of his kids. And his attitude towards money is a little bit worrying too.
I hardly see my friends, I suppose I don't notice it so much because I live with my sister and brother in law who are friends too, and I'm not alone if he is out. But if we move house that will allchange, I won't see them as much, and then I really will feel alone. I'm actually going out with some friends tonight, I was feeling really excited, until I told him about it, then I felt guilty, and nearly cancelled my plans to stay in.
I am constantly stressed, I don't know if I'm coming or going, when I think I have made a decision something happens and I change my mind. I left a very stressfull job a year ago and had been taking anti depressants and anti anxiety tablets for 6 months before I left. A year on and I'm in a new joj which isn't stressful, but I'm still taking the medication, in fact I'm on a higher dose than before. I've tried to come off the tablets, but I suffered too much without them. Although this was priginally caused by work, I have wondered whether my relationship is the reason I still feel this way.
I don't have any self-confidence or self-belief, and I always think about others before me, which is why I think it's difficult for me to end this relationship. I think about the life he will have if I break up with him, and I think 'how can I do that to him?' I feel like I'd be punishing him for being a good father!
Don't think about them that much. You come first this time. To put it bluntly, he's already had a second chance, with you. He'll cope with a break-up. He has kids. You won't be punishing anyone. Either one of you is gonna be sad. You, being in such a relationship (maybe for a lifetime), or him, after the eventual break-up (maybe months?).
EDIT:
You have to find out how are you gonna be happy and which direction is this relationship taking. But you mentioned that it's gonna be worse rather than better.