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Ugh

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Me again.

Last night I was out and bumped into some friends I've not seen for a while and in the course of conversation, it came up that said friends had overheard my ex giving it large down the phone and saying some not nice stuff about me. I pulled him up on it (he STILL has some of my stuff in case you're wondering why I still waste my time on him) and he said it was a joke and he'd never try to screw me over, which seemed pretty ironic from where I'm standing.

Anyway, continued my night out and got very drunk and very hysterical about all of this and when I came home my dad made me some food and we talked for a while. I thought that was that. I was wrong. My mother woke me up in the hour of nine and flipped out at me because my dad had the hump with her because she hadn't come to see if I was ok so he hadn't gotten much sleep because I was upset...and they wonder why I have depression. Not taken my prozac today, don't see the point in taking the damn things if the people around me are being so unhelpful.

I know I reacted more than I should've but at the end of day, after everything that has happened, I'm still fond of him and would've liked to have been his friend in the future. Of course I was going to be upset. Even though he's been unkind in the way he dumped me, I still thought a lot of him and for him to say things like that really wasn't necessary. My mum had a go at me because I've slagged him off too, but as I pointed out to her, I didn't do it on the bus when allsorts of people could hear, I have done it on here (I know, still not nice) and when people have asked about him and frankly, I think I've got a pretty good case for slagging him off, all things considered, but I don't see what I actually did wrong to warrant the way he was talking about me.

So I guess what I'm asking is, how can I explain to my parents better about how I feel and how can I stop getting so upset? I've tried as much as I can, and a lot of the time I feel ok, but sometimes it's too much and no matter how much I distract myself or do things I enjoy or go out with my friends, nothing fills the void.

Sorry I sound so pathetic still :crying:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh dear. If he hasn't your car keys or your flux compensator but just some bits and pieces just fuck it and put him on ignore wherever possible. You see it's not doing you any good, because he doesn't give a crap and it's not meant to be continued as a friendship. The sooner you stop to always have a 'reason' to need to speak/see him, the shorter it takes to get over him and the less you suffer in this process. It's not worth it, really.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He is on ignore apart from on my phone because I don't know how to do that but I have deleted his number. No, he doesn't have my car keys or anything that I couldn't live without, but he does have things which have sentimental value to me and I would like to have them back. Just because they're not expensive or important to other people it doesn't mean that they don't have value.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My advice: stop drinking. Especially if you're taking anti-depressants.

    I am given to exactly the same patterns of emotion, overreaction and sensitivity as you are, and found that it always flared up and I lost control when I was drunk. For obvious reasons - you can't think rationally or make clear judgments when your mind is that impaired. So I stopped getting drunk when I knew I was likely to be vulnerable to getting overly emotional (ie when the issue of the bloke from hell was likely to rear its ugly head), and I was much better able to cope with things like that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Also: I think it's too soon to think about being his friend. You're still sad and heartbroken and not over it at all, so trying to be friends will just be far too painful.

    Maybe one day, a long way down the line, you can be friends (although by that point you probably won't be arsed either way). But right now, for your own sanity and peace, the only option is to cut him right out of your life, indefinitely.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do understand about the not drinking thing, I know it does make things worse but I've been out a few times and I've been fine, had a laugh, saw the guy who introduced us and carried on walking. Last night I really wasn't expecting to see my friends and nor did I expect him to have been going off on one like that on the bus.

    All I want is the remainder of my things back so I can go back off to Norwich in September, meet new people, not have to worry and just have a (hopefully) good year doing the things I should've done last year but didn't because I was with him.

    On the upside, I met a nice man last night who seemed interested in me. I know it's too soon for anything like that but I said I'd like to know him better as a friend (he's friends with a few of my friends) and see how we are when I'm a bit more stable.

    I knew I wouldn't be able to see him as a friend for a while but now I feel like there's really no point as I would not wish to be friends with somebody who bad mouths me so publicly when I hadn't really done anything wrong. Maybe if I'd dumped him I'd understand it. I don't know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly, I apologise if anything I say comes across as harsh. I try to put things nicely but what I'm going to say might not be easy to hear. Sorry about that.

    Secondly, you need to stop drinking whilst you're (not) taking your anti-depressants. They make your mood swings worse.

    Thirdly, I think you're bringing this on yourself. You're spending a lot of time slagging him off, writing the same things over and over again. He knows you post on here, according to what you've said in the past, and he will be reading it. It's making you look very bad, like you're going to boil his bunnies, and he will tell people about how you're behaving. Even good friends will tire of the ranting fairly quickly; less good friends might even be inclined to take his side of the story.

    You need to really take a step back from all this. Don't air your dirty linen on here, it's a public website at the best of times and if he knows your ID he will keep telling everyone what you're saying. And the spin he'll put on it won't be nice. A certain amount of ranting is understandable and perhaps you should get an LJ if you don't already have one. If you need your stuff back, get someone you know to get it back for you.

    Walk away and keep your dignity. If you keep on carrying on like this you're really not going to have any dignity left. It's important to grieve for what you've lost but ranting continuously about what a cunt he is just makes you look bad.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know I keep saying the same things but just when I start to feel better, something else happens. I like to write it here so that people can choose to respond if they want to. He can read it if he wants to, same as I can read what he's written, which has in the past had pretty dire consequences. I have an LJ but I've only ever made one post because I'm not really sure how to use it. That and I'm a bit wary of blogs and things like that because of something that happened before.

    Whilst I do agree with some of what has been said, I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to post on here. Some of what I've said hasn't been that kind and was said in the heat of the moment, though I guess that's pretty obvious given how sometimes I want to kill him and others I miss him lots.

    Saying he's gonna screw me over with my stuff and slagging me off, not necessary. Whatever has gone on, it wasn't needed. I know this is still public but people can choose to ignore this or read this, it's a bit different to going off on one on a bus.

    None of my friends know where he lives and very few of them ever go to his area. I got the impression that he will give me my things when I'm at work.

    If you find me boring or pathetic or whatever because I choose to post on here and because I am finding it tricky to deal with the break up of our relationship, then feel free not to read my posts. I'm sorry if this comes across as a bit arsey but to be honest I'm sick of people trying to tell me how I should feel and that I should just move on. Emotions and feelings aren't logical and I know at times the way I feel might not be understandable but I can't help it.

    I asked a question about my relationship with my parents but that seems to have been ignored.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry if this comes across as a bit arsey but to be honest I'm sick of people trying to tell me how I should feel and that I should just move on. Emotions and feelings aren't logical and I know at times the way I feel might not be understandable but I can't help it.

    But what exactly are you hoping for then? I don't think anyone here's been trying to tell you how you should feel. They've given you the benefit of their experience, told you the things that they found helped them when they've gone through similar things, and unfortunately that does largely involve cutting off the person who's upsetting you all the time. The way you feel IS understandable, but it just doesn't seem like you're very willing to help yourself. When I got unceremoniously dumped by my boyfriend, I had to go over to his to get some stuff I'd left there and give him a couple of things back. I made a vow to myself that I would leave his house as someone he would miss rather than someone he'd be glad to see the back of. I did that by being polite, friendly, but not hanging around longer than necessary and not making a big scene. I then made sure I had absolutely no contact with him for a good few months. It wasn't easy, but I actually listened to my friends' advice - as a lot of them had gone through similar situations - and it turned out to be the best way of dealing with it as it allowed me time to focus on myself and rebuild my life without him in it.

    As for your relationship with your parents, I think you need to try not to lean on them so much. I'm not saying don't talk to them, as you're obviously close to them and it's great they're trying to be supportive, but part of growing up (sorry if this sounds patronising, it's not meant to) is learning to establish a sort of distance from your parents when it comes to stuff like this. They will obviously worry and be overly protective if they see how upset you're getting, so try to direct your feelings at your friends more. I know it's hard when you're still living with your parents, but if you want them to stop freaking out about stuff like this you're going to have to stop giving them reason to. You're allowed to be upset and to grieve for the end of a relationship - no-one's saying you're not - but I think you need to take on board some of the advice that's been given to you and carry on with the positive steps you've already taken. It's a slow process, I know, but if you acknowledge every little step forward you take and reward yourself for every minute/hour/day you make progress, you'll soon find you start to feel better and the pain will lessen. I promise.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not to write my own wall of text here, I will just say that I strongly agree with Kermit and StupidGirl. Apart from anything else, what "we" tell you to do, is, you need to stop thinking that we are bossing you around, don't take your situation serious or trying to give you short shrift, because it's becoming broken record time. At the bottom of the well it might just sound unreasonable and weird if people tell you to climb up, because you got the feeling digging deeper helps you more (stupid metaphor, I know. What I wanted to say is, if you are in deep shit you tend to overlook the "better" choice on what to do).

    I want to express once more, how Kermit brought up an viewpoint I haven't seen before, but agree with: Even the good friends tire out of a lot of rants. Especially if nothing improves and it all sounds the same.

    I just realized (again), that the guy in question can read everything of it. That's - frankly said - a disaster in my opinion. You write partially rather offensive stuff, but then try to be friendly with him again. Even if it's just "in the heat of the argument", in his shoes I would be very wary. If he shows that stuff around, medium-good friends may take his side (like kermit said), and maybe that's what happened already with that one friend of yours. I, too, think that a lot of the trouble you are bringing on to you by yourself.

    I know you need stuff from him, but why not do it as soon as possible, like today? or get someone else to do it? He knows which is your stuff and can hand it over to that person just as well. You are just delaying to cut him out of the picture and you should have realized by now that it's doing you no good.

    would you look at that, it's my own wall of text. And before you become all vindicative at our posts, don't. Nobody's attacking you in the first place.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That and I'm a bit wary of blogs and things like that because of something that happened before.

    I think you need to be an awful lot more wary of this website, to be quite honest. TheSite has millions of visitors each year and you really need to consider just how anonymous you are.

    I suggested a blog like LJ because you can choose who sees it and you have a lot of control over security. Alternatively, you might want to try writing a letter to your ex- explain everything he's done, call him all the names under the sun, have a proper go at him, say things you wouldn't even say on here. And then set fire to it. It can be cathartic.
    I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to post on here. Some of what I've said hasn't been that kind and was said in the heat of the moment

    Nobody is saying that you're not allowed to post, I'm suggesting that you might want to think about the consequences of you posting. It's clearly not doing you any good on an emotional level. On a personal level, if you continue to rant about what a cock he is, he's going to show it to people to make you look bad. News travels faster than you seem to think.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The bad experience I had with a blog was when somebody a few years ago wrote one in which he decided to slag myself and my mother off. The uproar that caused isn't something I want to repeat. I do understand what you are saying about this being public and perhaps I should delete the posts where I've written my real name or when I've posted pictures of myself. This is not a username I use overly-regularly, I think there are perhaps 2 other sites with it. If people wanted to find me, they'd certainly search for other names first.

    Aside from that, I don't know what to say about the situation with my parents. Yes, I am turning to them for support but that's because they're who I live with. When I'm at uni they very rarely were in contact with me and if I tried to contact them, they were often too busy to talk. I used to talk to one of my flatmates a lot, but she's moved back to America so it's a little tricky to stay in good touch with her.

    I know that you are trying to help and sometimes I react a bit funny to it, it's just the way I am always seeming to have people tell me to move on, and talking to me about dignity. Sure, I have these rants on here but if you saw me in the street going about my life, you'd say I'd probably come out of it with more dignity than some people. Sometimes I do crack, I'll be the first to admit it, but most of the time, I shut my mouth, I go to work, I have a laugh with my manager and the customers or on my days off, I do stuff around the house or see friends. Yes, I've had a few too many and cried outside a club but at least I can hold my head up high and say I did not jump down someone elses throat the minute the relationship was over.

    I'd have loved to have seen him walk away from that pub knowing that he'd probably never see me again and that he would miss me but he forgot my things. I told at the time he had, I told him when and where I was working and he said he'd give them to me. 2 weeks later and I still don't have my things. I don't even care if he posts them through my door.

    There's plenty of people on here that parrot similar situations over and over, doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything less to them. I may well be a broken record, I feel like I'll start singing another tune when I have no reason to hear from or of him. Probably when I'm back up in Norwich. I don't know. Like I said before, if I bore you, don't read what I have to say or tell a mod to close the thread if you think it's going nowhere. I am trying my best here, there's not a lot else I can do. I'm listening to what people are saying, but is it really my fault if I get upset because other people are telling me things that have happened? If I was actively stalking him across the internet, then fine, but I'm not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    what kermit said to be honest, you do have to consider that this is a public website and far more open than a private blog could ever be. You can build up some friends on there and get opinions about stuff the same way as here but less publicly. The site can only take your anonymity so far, after that it up to you,and saying loads of things against him on here could turn out to be detrimental in the long term, particularly as he can read every thought you type here, apply it to you and potentially tell whoever your user name and they can come and have a butchers, form opinions etc etc.

    As for your parents, how can you explain how you feel better/ stop getting so upset were your questions.

    The answer to the second question has already been given, stop drinking, take your ADs properly and give yourself time, both to heal and for the ADs to work. You will then start to figure out some of the answers yourself hopefully.

    Have you tried writing a letter to your folks to explain things you may find hard to talk about? Some people (older people in particular) have a limited understanding of mental health, having grown up in a time when certain stigmas are attatched to people with depression or other mental health issues. It is probably just as hard for them to stomach. Often when their children get depressed parents feel guilty and blame themselves for a variety of reasons. It could simply be that they just don't know how to help you outside of a cuppa and a nap. " i don't see the point in taking my ADs if everyone around me is being unhelpful" That sort of attitude isn't going to help you move forward tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't post if I thought it boring, I have plenty better things to do.

    I think it's important to have somewhere to vent when things get too much. From the outside looking in I don't think posting here is doing you too much good. If you write somewhere where you don't have to be guarded you might find things easier. Certainly when I was at my lowest I found writing letters and burning them to be cathartic, but I was always a bit of a fire bunny.

    I can't really offer any advice about your parents, as I never really wanted to tell them much beyond the basics. I'd suggest you tell them how low you are and that it's not their fault, to prevent any guilt on their part, but it's for you to decide how much you want to tell them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As for your parents, how can you explain how you feel better/ stop getting so upset were your questions.

    The answer to the second question has already been given, stop drinking, take your ADs properly and give yourself time, both to heal and for the ADs to work. You will then start to figure out some of the answers yourself hopefully.

    Have you tried writing a letter to your folks to explain things you may find hard to talk about? Some people (older people in particular) have a limited understanding of mental health, having grown up in a time when certain stigmas are attatched to people with depression or other mental health issues. It is probably just as hard for them to stomach. Often when their children get depressed parents feel guilty and blame themselves for a variety of reasons. It could simply be that they just don't know how to help you outside of a cuppa and a nap. " i don't see the point in taking my ADs if everyone around me is being unhelpful" That sort of attitude isn't going to help you move forward tbh.

    :yes:
    your parents don't mean to be unhelpful, they just don't know what to do that is helpful. my parents get it wrong *all* the time (and my god they get told about it haha) but it's not because they don't want to help, it's because they don't know what to do to make me feel better. as nicebutdim says, a lot of older people have no real experience of mental health because in the past it was never talked about. but the point is that whatever your parents do or don't do, you have to make the decision to help yourself. i know it's so frustrating when people say things like 'no one can do it for you', but it's true. you need to take your ADs properly and give them a chance to work, by drinking too much you are defeating the object of taking them. remember that alcohol is a depressant, and in my experience drinking and prozac together can send you a bit mental. i think you'll start to feel a bit better about the whole situation with your ex if you start to concentrate on moving yourself and your health forward.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kermit wrote: »
    I think it's important to have somewhere to vent when things get too much.

    :yes: I've been advised to do this. Sometimes, it is better than posting here - as I just want a rant and no advice.
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,189 Skive's The Limit
    omg hi wrote: »
    you need to take your ADs properly and give them a chance to work, by drinking too much you are defeating the object of taking them. remember that alcohol is a depressant,

    I know this is a little old but fucking hell. :crazyeyes

    Alcohol being a depressant doesn't mean it's going to make you depressed as in unhappy - although it may counter the effectiveness of any medication your on. It means it depresses the CNS which is not the same thing as saying it make you unhappy.

    And I don' think anybody on this site should be giving out advice about SSRIs. Theyre addictive, have prooven nasty side effects and unprooven benifits, yet time and again I see advice that only encourages people to take them or ask for them.
    Yesterday is history
    Tomorrow is a mystery
    But today is a gift
    That’s why it’s call the present
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Skive wrote: »
    And I don' think anybody on this site should be giving out advice about SSRIs. Theyre addictive, have prooven nasty side effects and unprooven benifits, yet time and again I see advice that only encourages people to take them or ask for them.

    Maybe you should take your own advice on this...

    Taking SSRIs is a personal decision and not one that should be influenced by cod science- from either side. They worked for me, twice, and the worst side effect I had was lasting a bit too long in bed. They don't work for others, leave it at that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    exactly- for me, the bad side effects of the ADs were trivial compared to suicide attempts... This lot ive been taking really helped me SO much, alongside CBT therapy, but they were what i needed to take the nasty edge off a bad mixed episode, I do think they need to be considered carefully, and I think should be the last choice of therapy when nothing else works.
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