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I need some advice on self harm and related issues please
I am in a terrible situation at the moment and I am really scared. My mood swings are all over the place and I am just generally a mess. I am 20 and I have been self harming for years and years and its getting worse. Im cutting more than once a day. I hate it so much, how my body looks. I keep it covered up. I have a rubbish relationship with everyone and I have been to the Drs countless times to no avail. To make matters worse my Boyfriend of almost 2 years doesnt want to see me anymore (he told me this evening and wont answer me calls). I have one friend who is male and doesnt really understand and I cant confide in him at all. I just need some people to talk to as I feel so lonely. I keep thinking about killing myself and im so worried. Have been on anti depressents many times but hate them. I dont understand where my anger and my upset is coming from. I have issues surrounding abuse from when I was younger and I find it hard to deal with. Im so angry for the things that were done to me I am a horrible bitter person. I am going to be seeing a psychtherapist but Im worried its too little too late between my boyf and I. He thinks I would be happier without him (or maybe he would be happier without me) but I need him. I dont want to need him but I do really badly. Im just really scared and lonely. I have panic attacks and im wondering if my implant is causing this to be worse? Or am I just looking for something to blame when its really me thats the problem. I cant find help ANYWHERE and im close to giving up and ending it. Im not using suicide as a threat (or self harm) but I am at breaking point. I cant live my life like this anymore. So some advice would be welcomed.