Drink is ruining my life and my marriage

Former Member

I wouldn't say I was an alcoholic but I do enjoy a drink, the problem is I don't know when to stop. I often come home and I can barely walk, I fall over, I don't remember anything from the evening and more often than not the next day my friends aren't talking to me an neither is my husband. I go out about once a month but I get totally wasted. I use to be a size 18 so part of it is I think I can still drink the same as I did then and now I'm a 10/12! The thing is it isn't just the drinking it's being unfaithful as well. I love my husband very much but he never wants me and I just feel like I am living with a mate and not a husband, I seem to have become his mother replacement! I work full-time and I am the bread winner but I still do all the housework and look after my daughter! We have sex every three months and it is just sex, I get no pleasure out of it at all and to be honest I just can't wait for it to be over. I have started binge drinking when I go out and then on my way home I call in on this other guy and stay with him for the night but tell my husband I stopped at a mates. I tried talking to my husband ages ago before we got married, I told him I couldn't cope with the lack of affection, sometimes he won't even kiss me and that really hurts, I'm not on about a public snog, I'm on about a public peck on the cheek or lips goodbye. He won't talk to me about stuff even though I have tried approaching it from different angles. I don't feel like he finds me attractive anymore and I have even stopped eating regular, I have lost a stone in three weeks because I thought maybe he thinks I am fat and that is why he doesn't fancy me. I have tried dressing up and lots of other things but he just isn't interested and if I try to talk about he often ignores it or he'll turn things back on me and so it's my fault or that we have different sex drives. I have called on this other guy three times now and my husband and I haven't even been married a year. I think also that all my other relationships have failed and so I am ruining this one myself to stop myself from getting hurt. I don't want to lose my husband but I do wish I hadn't married him because he doesn't deserve this. I hate this person I have become and I am so scared that I will lose him and my beautiful daughter. I often think though that if I didn't have my daughter then I wouldn't have married him but then I look at him and I know I love him but maybe we're just not in love with each other, maybe we have become so comfortable with each other that never us want to leave. I also feel I am third in line 1 Daughter 2 His Mother 3 Me! That really hurts too. I don't know what is wrong with me I never use to be this horrible person. I also tried to snog one of my female friends the other night and then got aggressive when she turned me down! Am I that desperate for affection that I'll try to get it from anyone? But only when I have had a drink, I wouldn't dream of doing anything while I was sober although the problems are still there the inhibitions are too. If there is anyone with a similar experience or just some good advice that would be great, I don't really want any judgemental as there are only two people who can judge me, myself and God and I can guess what God is thinking!

Former Member

paragraphs please.

Former Member

Sounds to me if you have tried talking to your husband about the problems from various different angles, you could need outside help - perhaps Relate for the marriage issues? There are a lot of different services out there to help with alcohol and relationship problems

Former Member

yep it sounds to me not like the drinking is a problem - its more that your using it to cover up the fact that you are unhappy. This isn't just your problem alone that you need to solve - it takes two to make a marriage work and you need to tell your husband to pull his finger out and start taking responsibility for half the marriage (that includes half the housework and time looking after his daughter if and unless there is a really good reason half (or at least some) of the household income as well)

Having said that it sounds like he has bigger issues and you do need some outside help.

Former Member

You CAN get help for your drinking problem, but only you really want to DO it. This, then, will be the first positive step into getting the rest of your life sorted.

It will be a hard road, giving up the alcohol; I've been there. But, succeeded. So can you.

Former Member

I wouldn't consider getting wasted once a month is a drinking problem. Not even if it was once a week. Students (and older people!) do it every week :-)

Former Member

ttotal.1980 wrote: »

I wouldn't say I was an alcoholic but I do enjoy a drink, the problem is I don't know when to stop.

IMO if you are drinking and don't know when to stop, the drinking is a problem although it might not be the "Whole problem"

Counseling may help. It is worth a try.

Former Member

StrubbleS wrote: »

paragraphs please.

Very helpful with his drink problem, paragraphs solve everything.

Former Member

Yikes! Being unfaithful is unforgivable, but so is a husband not supporting his wife. You need to tell your husband in no uncertain terms that he needs to be a man or you will leave him. I'd say just leave him, but there is your daughter. Instead of doing passive things like tarting yourself up, you need to be VERY clear and direct, make sure he gets that you need him to number one get a job and number two start paying some attention to you. If he won't listen tell him you'll leave him. If you make him understand that he's hurting you with this behaviour and he doesn't get his act together (claims of "trying" are worthless, he'll either do it or he won't) then leave him, you can honestly say you tried. Then dump him, but don't shack up with anybody new until you're not such a despicable doormat. Yes I just insulted you. You need to hear it because if you don't wise up and start being a role model your daughter will be a doormat too, and even if you leave your husband the next guy will treat you the same because you'll still allow it.

I base this on the fact you had serious concerns about the relationship before you married, he ignored them and you married anyway, the fact you let him not do anything round the house and even support him financially. It sounds like this guy's got a pretty good gig going with you, free living and all he has to do is half heartedly fuck you once every three months. He doesn't even have to pretend to love you anymore he's got you trained so well. You even think he deserves better! Low self esteem? Try no self esteem. Respect your self, for your daughter's sake.

PS: Don't tell him you cheated, ever. Just stop. You have no excuse for doing this, you're an adult and able to control yourself. The issues in your marriage probably can't be solved by talking, but you need to try. Cheating won't be helped by talking, just stop doing it. It demeans you and your husband.

Former Member

grahaminneed wrote: »

Very helpful with his drink problem, paragraphs solve everything.

well they solve the reading problem.

Former Member

theres a lot of pain here, you are crying out for someone to make you feel like you are valued but wat you are missing is the fact that all the time you dont luv yourself, you cant share the person you really are with anyone else. See, whilst some of wat you think is happening is real, some of it may just be what you choose to see, is He growing away from you or are you pushing Him away cos you dont think you have the right to be loved? get counselling and do it soon, dont ruin your life by giving in to your demons