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So why is this happening

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I see plenty of threads on various forums from women saying they hate getting messed around by guys who are not honest etc...Well it happens to guys as well.

My guard is up because most women who I have met over the past 5 years have not been honest totally. Whether its in a relationship or during dating or even before that, ive been messed around, treated a bit badly and lied to.


Example 1: Went on a date with someone recently and had a great time, unfortunately she told me she wanted to stay friends as she did not want to be with anyone at the moment, a week later, she was seeing someone and they were officially a couple in her own words

Example 2: Got dumped a few years ago by someone becasue I was "too good for them" even though i was described by them as a "perfect boyfriend".

Example 3: In my last 2 relationships (out of 3), I have not had any sex because of the girl. They have come up with excuses like "im not that type of girl" or "its disgusting" (and they are not religious)

Example 4: Met another women from online, we were planning to meet up but she cancelled on me 5 times (that was at the very start of my internet dating adventure...)

I have resorted to online dating since I started uni a few years back because i dont have too many friends and am a bit shy. I have had some success but still the feeling of dishonesty is there.

So where can I go to meet normal, honest women between who are honest,intelligent,humorous and down-to-earth and will actually have sex in a relationship once that arises! I am 23 years old and i hope this is not a trend for years to come, its actually very annoying

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamjam wrote:
    Example 1: Went on a date with someone recently and had a great time, unfortunately she told me she wanted to stay friends as she did not want to be with anyone at the moment, a week later, she was seeing someone and they were officially a couple in her own words.

    What she said is known as 'tact'. She enjoyed your company but didn't want to take it further. Would you rather she said "the thought of having sex with you makes my stomach churn"?

    You'll find someone if relax and just enjoy the experiences for what they are. You might not get a girlfriend from an internet date, but you do get a pleasant evening's company. Go into it from that viewpoint and you might find that more doors open.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamjam wrote: »
    Example 1: Went on a date with someone recently and had a great time, unfortunately she told me she wanted to stay friends as she did not want to be with anyone at the moment, a week later, she was seeing someone and they were officially a couple in her own words

    Example 2: Got dumped a few years ago by someone becasue I was "too good for them" even though i was described by them as a "perfect boyfriend".

    Example 3: In my last 2 relationships (out of 3), I have not had any sex because of the girl. They have come up with excuses like "im not that type of girl" or "its disgusting" (and they are not religious)

    Example 4: Met another women from online, we were planning to meet up but she cancelled on me 5 times (that was at the very start of my internet dating adventure...)

    Well those are already pretty bad cases. I got the perfect boyfriend shit once, but no the others, or not that much. My opinion is: As soon as you realize they are leading you on with some of that shit, be gone in the next instant. Don't try to "make things work", just fuck it. They don't deserve it.

    ultimately. Being an asshole is not an illness that spreads only on one gender. As a self-described good-willed man, all you can do is be patient and hope for the best.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i am very worried those women are not finding me sexually attractive in a relationship! The reasons i was given as i stated were very unusual. I have talked to my friends and they commented its weird the two girls don t want to have sex and the reasons they gave are more bizarre. Surely they would expect a 23 year old guy to want sex in a relationship.

    But anyway i don t know what i am doing wrong getting messed around all the time, there must be some hope. I have never had a girlfriend or dated someone from "offline" and the lack of friends makes that extremely difficult, so of course i want to make the internet dating work but i wonder if there are honest women my age!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamjam wrote: »
    i am very worried those women are not finding me sexually attractive in a relationship! The reasons i was given as i stated were very unusual. I have talked to my friends and they commented its weird the two girls don t want to have sex and the reasons they gave are more bizarre. Surely they would expect a 23 year old guy to want sex in a relationship.

    As a man who got turned down more than he can count I came to terms that the worst thing you can do is to look for the mistake in yourself. I did it for years and it brought me more and more down, because I didn't know what the fuck, something's gotta be wrong with me. You need to be more selfish in this regard. If you think you are the failing part, you will get sadder and bitterer and dating becomes more and more difficult, because of all the self doubt.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah,hear you man.
    Im in a relationship at the moment where my gf told me "I dont really like sex,I could live happily without it",and we`re not even 3 months in!!!
    And like strubbles says,dont look at yourself as flawed,its all the womans problem.
    It pisses me off,being pushed away a lot and not getting the sex I want like we used to in the first month or 2.She has tried to bribe me like "do this for me and we`ll have sex" to which I reply "fuck off,dont use sex as a bribery weapon or a gift to me,if you think its a gift go give it to somone else cos I can sort myself out!!":D
    The other thing that gets to me and I have said this to her is,you used to sleep around a lot when you went out,so how come you dont want to sleep with your bf now?Cue another hissy fit......
    Cos I know that if we broke up the same week she would go out and take another bloke home,maybe even the same night we broke up.
    Also,lately all I seem to say and do puts her into a fucking mood,all huffy and blah blah blah and frankly Im getting fed up now.
    Theres no affection or cuddling anymore and everything I do annoys,irritates or bores her.Its like going back to being unwanted and alone again,feeling how I felt when I was single.
    But then shes making sure she gets loads of presents for me for our 3month anniversary,which is a big deal for her as shes never made it past 3months with a bf.
    Id be better off alone I honestly think.
    But at the same time I do really like her,maybe we`re spending too much time together,I dont know.
    There have been a few issues over the last few weeks and Ive also been depressed.
    I dont know,I just keep feeling like theres no place for me with her anymore and that I really cant be arsed to be truthful.
    Sorry,needed a rant.:thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The Leaf wrote: »
    The other thing that gets to me and I have said this to her is,you used to sleep around a lot when you went out,so how come you dont want to sleep with your bf now?Cue another hissy fit......

    Whoa dude. Read this again - are you surprised she gets pissed off with you!? No way would my girl be sleeping with me if I said something like that to her...!!

    You need to sort yourself out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi jamjam,

    Sorry to hear that you're finding your previous dating so frustrating.

    Looking at the examples you've listed I'd have to say that sometimes things don't work out, sometimes people's opinions can change quickly and sometimes people can just find it difficult to be completely honest when they are worried that honesty might be hurtful.

    It's important to try and stay relaxed about dating, I know that might seem to be impossible, especially if it seems like finding someone is so important - but becoming frustrated can start to cause problems. It can be difficult if you start to group women together in the way you have here - the sense comes through from your post of starting to assume 'dishonesty' and starting out in a relationship or even a date from that point of view may mean you're making people feel uneasy.

    It's worth remembering that everyone you meet is an individual with different needs, feelings and perspectives - so remembering that and trying to relax and start afresh each time may be far more fun than starting to carry a growing pile of baggage into each new date.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The Leaf wrote: »
    I dont know,I just keep feeling like theres no place for me with her anymore and that I really cant be arsed to be truthful.

    I know it might not be easy Leaf, but what you're describing doesn't sound great for you or your girlfriend, at least right now.

    If you're at a stage where you are choosing not to say how you a feeling openly but instead are just hoping that things are going to change then you can only expect the same situation to continue. Even if it's absolutely obvious to you that things aren't great it doesn't mean it's obvious to your partner.

    On the other hand things may be just as frustrating for her, but she may be bottling up how she feels as well.

    It's surely worth trying to find a way to speak more openly about how you feel - I'd find it hard to believe that it wouldn't improve things, even if that means the relationship comes to a close.

    Really worth bearing in mind that staying in a relationship because your partner would sleep with someone else if you left is just beating yourself up in a pretty negative way - it can't help the depression you're experiencing.

    Maybe take a look at our article on communicating as a couple and if this is the first time your partner has been in a long term relationship then it's worth being open about problems - you can't assume she'll understand where you, or even where she, is coming from - it's all new.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    G angel,I said that to her because she likes to tell me where she did this with that guy or when she met up with this guy and so on.
    But when it comes to getting intimate with me shes never in the mood,which makes me think why is she even with me?
    I know its not all about sex but why say all those things that you did with OTHER boys to your bf and then wonder why I get pissed off that she doesnt want to do anything with me?

    and Jim,I think we are both depressed and stressed for different reasons so that probably does have something to do with how we are clashing.
    Plus,we have spent a lot (too much in my opinion,not meant harshly) together,sitting around watching tv.
    She doesnt work or really go anywhere during the day as she has a one year old and as Im off work Im getting bored because I need to do something.
    Im having a few nights apart this week to try to rekindle the flame a bit.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The Leaf wrote: »
    But when it comes to getting intimate with me shes never in the mood,.

    Gee, I wonder why. I wouldn't be in the mood either. Actually I wouldn't be an item with such a person anymore, tbh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didnt ask her this aggresively or to try to get at her I was trying to understand what she meant.
    At the end of the day its a question I want answered,I want to know if her and the relationship are going to be good for me and fulfill me.Im 21 and I want to have sex with my gf,I dont want to be in a sexless relationship before we`ve even reached 3months.
    Shes asked me plenty of stupid questions anyway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stop thinking with your dick!, no time limit on how long it takes to get to know someone first, sex aint the be all and end all. If its right it will happen, no need to analyse the situation first!.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    joolz61 wrote: »
    stop thinking with your dick!, no time limit on how long it takes to get to know someone first, sex aint the be all and end all. If its right it will happen, no need to analyse the situation first!.


    Was that directed at me, or the other person who hijacked the thread!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Looks like these women just arn't attracted to you to be honest, just keep being yourself and you will find the perfect lady soon enough :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Chin up mate. Failure comes not from falling down, but from not getting back up again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I am meeting a girl on wednesday who i first talked to about 3-4 years ago from loopylove (anyone remember that?!) We were gonna meet then but we lost in contact. But recently i added her to facebook through those contact list facility, and we are speaking and hopefully meeting.

    But..

    Found out she may not be able to make it as she went to hospital on friday with mild chest pains, shes back home but on painkillers. Obviously if she isnt well, then she isnt well but I always have that bad feeling in the back of my mind that she wont turn up anyway. She said she will let me know on tuesday

    I have had so many women stand me up, and lie to me and not tell the truth. Because in the past i have been planning to meet people and suddenly a few days before they come down with an illness or have an accident and cant meet. Its happened a few times, and its always convinently before a date.

    How can i get rid of this bad feeling before my mind starts "taking bets" that we wont be able to meet on wednesday. She did say she had the majority of next week off though before she goes on holiday so that would be another oppportunity.

    I am not heartless at all, just from previous experience, things dont tend to go well when the other person has a doubt about meeting up in the end
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    UPDATE:

    We did meet on wednesday at a nice pub for some drinks. She was really lovely and we got on well, we talked alot about travels and other stuff, made her laugh. She is good looking and has a fantastic bubbly personality. We were there till about 10 and then gave each other a peck on the cheek and went away.

    Text her yesterday evening saying i had a good time on wednesday and would be good to see you again soon. So i am waiting for a reply, how long should i wait before i message her again (as i know she is free most of next week). I would like to meet her again next week

    I also wish i was more "touchey" on the date. I did make her laugh but i really wanted to flirt more or does that not matter much?
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