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So I messed up my relationship and now have basically ruined my life :(

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Okay, long thread anticipated so be prepared!

I was going out with a girl for about a year in March, and she really really was in love with me. Problem was, I'd never been in such an easy, perfect relationship and although I thought it was great at times, at other times I worried it wasn't what I wanted. There were a few reasons for this, the main one being that I didn't know if the course I was doing was right for me, and because of that I kept looking for an escape. I'd talked to her a couple of times about going travelling, but she clearly did not want this - although she never said it, she desparately wanted me to move in with her and 'settle down' etc.

At the time however I was living on my own and started suffering from anxiety, which I blame mostly on my indecisiveness with regards to my course and the settling down etc. I never told her this, instead I just carried on worrying about things in my life.

Instead of moving in with her, I moved in with a friend - which she suggested, after noticing my doubts about moving in with her. So, after moving in with my friend, things settled down and she started to like where I lived. We booked flights to go to Spain to see my parents in July, and shortly after I bought a ring and was going to propose to her in Spain. I had come out of my mentalness and saw that this was it, I loved her and didn't want to be away from her.

In the mean-time she clearly still wanted me to show signs of commitment, but I didn't want to spoil the surprise of the proposal, so I kept playing it cool. Then over the bank holiday weekend at Easter, she went to visit some friends in Coventry, and came back on the Monday a completely different person. She said she didn't want a boyfriend anymore, that we want different things, and that she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore (even though a week prior she was telling me how much she loved me!). She went completely cold and calous. I tried pleading with her but nothing, she didn't even want to speak to me. I left it a few days and wrote her a letter, telling her how I'd been with the anxiety, and telling her how much she means to me. I sent the letter with a bunch of flowers to her house, but she just text me saying thanks for the flowers and letter, but it hasn't changed the way I feel, we should go our separate ways.

So I left it a few more days, then I sent her the ring and a letter explaining how I was going to propose to her in Spain. I then text her last Saturday just saying that I miss her, nothing soppy or begging, but she just said 'I know it's not easy, but we just have to get on with our own stuff now'. She hasn't mentioned the ring or anything!

So what do I do now, I really love this girl and I don't believe she can fall out of love with me in a week, or even a weekend so it seems. I don't want to keep hassling her but I need to speak to her face to face, but I doubt she will agree to that either. I've broken up with girls before but I've never been so low for so long, the only way I can see a way out of this is to go abroad - I feel I can't stay in this country without her.

God I sound like such a loser, but I just need some advice! ****-taking accepeted too :)

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Awful as it is to deal with, there is nothing you can do now. Well, nothing that won't land you with a restraining order.

    You've written to her and spoken to her and made your feelings perfectly clear, that you still love her and want her back. She doesn't feel the same way, and there's nothing you can do now, except leave her alone, give her space and who knows, perhaps she will change her mind. But if you keep hassling her, you'll make her angry and frightened and resentful and you'll damage your chances even more.

    It's tough, but it's out of your hands.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamelia wrote: »
    Awful as it is to deal with, there is nothing you can do now. Well, nothing that won't land you with a restraining order.

    You've written to her and spoken to her and made your feelings perfectly clear, that you still love her and want her back. She doesn't feel the same way, and there's nothing you can do now, except leave her alone, give her space and who knows, perhaps she will change her mind. But if you keep hassling her, you'll make her angry and frightened and resentful and you'll damage your chances even more.

    It's tough, but it's out of your hands.

    I know it is yeah. Regarding the ring though what advice would you give? She's not contacted me at all, but when I asked her Dad if she received it he said I'd "really thrown a spanner in the works" with it. I just need some closure if anything, I don't want to hassle her like you say, I've not contacted her for nearly two weeks now, but while she's still got it my brain is telling me she's still thinking about it, and it's driving me mad!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She met someone else in Coventry and therefore you are suddenly uninteresting. You didn't make a mistake, if one thinks that going things on slowly and not rushing head first into something you are not sure about is the right thing.

    She ruined her own life and alas, life goes on. If she does not support you in your needs and just want to settle down quickly even tho you are not feeling it and leaves you therefore, her loss.

    Go abroad and traveling. Something you always wanted but couldn't do.

    /e: about the ring. If it wasn't that expensive I say pass on it. Otherwise you could ask her if she is so kind and send it back to you. I don't think sending the ring was a bad idea. I'd say it wouldn't have made any change either, but just as a tad of "look what you've done. I was ready, but you were inpatient, silly you."
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's sworn to me and her parents that she hasn't met anyone else - I doesn't make sense, considering she lives in the North West and I may sound naive, but I know she's not like that - although you never know ay.

    Do you think I should ask for the ring back or leave it with her?

    You got there first :D
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah if the ring is valuable I reckon you're entitled to it back, though it was a bit dim to send it to her in the first place, as the legal position is probably that it's a gift and therefore she can keep it. But she ought to give it back really, so I'd text/write to her and ask her to send it back.

    If it's not very valuable then consider it lost and forget about it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamelia wrote: »
    Yeah if the ring is valuable I reckon you're entitled to it back, though it was a bit dim to send it to her in the first place, as the legal position is probably that it's a gift and therefore she can keep it. But she ought to give it back really, so I'd text/write to her and ask her to send it back.

    If it's not very valuable then consider it lost and forget about it.

    I just wanted her to know that I'd got it and was going to commit. I don't really want it back and the money isn't an issue, I just can't believe she hasn't daid ANYTHING about it. How can you love someone one week and be so callous and hurtful the next?!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    martplfc wrote: »
    I just wanted her to know that I'd got it and was going to commit. I don't really want it back and the money isn't an issue, I just can't believe she hasn't daid ANYTHING about it. How can you love someone one week and be so callous and hurtful the next?!

    well, we never know. But you know she's not coming back. You did good finding that out. The rest is nonsensical stuff. I know it's tough, but you know the saying, let me accept the things I cannot change. Don't dwell on these questions. Travel around, take a friend with you, forget her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Totally agree with StrubbleS - she met someone else in Coventry

    She's lying about not meeting someone else

    I'd let the ring go, cut the contact and go travelling. You'll have an ace time and who is to say you won't meet the woman / man / sheep of your dreams :D in some foreign climb!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't get yourself paranoid about her meeting some other dude, she's probably talked to her girly mates and you've been the centre of a good bitching. What's she's probably doing is feeling sorry for her self and all that weird female chat she probably had with her pals has gotten her all mixed up so she's trying to forget you coz of what they have been saying.

    You've planted the seed so the balls in her court. Ask for the ring back to see if you can get a response that way... if you get the ring back then flog it and buy yourself a new wardrobe, that's what I done, though I'm still with my missus and she wasn't that impressed when I came home with a nice new jacket.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know how u feel so much, started a similar thread myself ('struggling with a break up' if you want to read, might be some useful replies in there)
    and am still not over it, but a few steps ahead of where you're feeling right now.
    fuck her! you didn't ruin this, she did. it will take a lot of time to let go but it will help if you stop blaming yourself, and going over what happened. i know this isnt how u wanted it to turn out, and it's so hard accepting that your life will not turned out as you planned, but accepting that it has and moving forward will bring you much closer to happiness, and love with a girl that loves you too.
    get your ring back, she doesnt deserve that token of love. spend the money on going traveling, do something you always wanted to. and keep posting, feel free to restart this thread anytime, i'll keep an eye out x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think there's a perfectly good chance she may have met someone in Coventry, but what do I know?
    But then there's every chance that, vague as this sounds, she probably had one of those 'life reassessment' moments having met up with her girly pals and decided that a relationship wasn't for her/ypou weren't the one for her/etc. Perhaps she'd been thinking about things for a while - just that now she decided it was time to tell you. Who knows?
    Otherwise it's pretty hard to say, it sounds like she's been a tad vague about why she's disappeared..... as much as you might like some sort of closure, it's worthless bothering.

    No matter how much you might love her, she has afterall hurt you and anyway I personally doubt at the monet at least she's that bothered about your attempts to get back with her. Mind you, your chances of ever getting her back at all are pretty slim at best judging by her attitude.

    From personal experience I appreciate that you can't simply fall out of love with someone overnight, but now it's time to move on. You've got mates, obviously, and they can help you as ever. As suggested, try new things with them, new experiences/hobbies/activities perhaps, cliched as it might sound. You've clearly built your life round this girl, so now's the time to build a new life around something else.

    You probably will find someone else one day - maybe not next week, but you wouldn't necesarily buy the first car you see on the forecourt, so why do that with partners?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Makoto wrote: »
    I wouldn't get yourself paranoid about her meeting some other dude, she's probably talked to her girly mates and you've been the centre of a good bitching. What's she's probably doing is feeling sorry for her self and all that weird female chat she probably had with her pals has gotten her all mixed up so she's trying to forget you coz of what they have been saying.

    inclined to agree - it depends on her personality. is she strong-willed, or easy to influence?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    what i think is that she was so desparate at some point and thats the time you didnt consider proposing, she thinks the ring issue has only come about after her reaction, did you ever tell anyone about proposing her in spain? if yes let that person help you explain to her, if she loves you she will come around, give time and space since you have already told her how you feel about. if you guys were meant to be you will be. take care and good luck. matha
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    martha wrote: »
    what i think is that she was so desparate at some point and thats the time you didnt consider proposing, she thinks the ring issue has only come about after her reaction, did you ever tell anyone about proposing her in spain? if yes let that person help you explain to her, if she loves you she will come around, give time and space since you have already told her how you feel about. if you guys were meant to be you will be. take care and good luck. matha

    I didn't tell anyone my plans, didn't want any chance of it getting out. I've told my friends and parents since like. How long would you leave it before making contact again? It's been nearly a month since she got the ring.:)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good job getting his hopes up again.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Good job getting his hopes up again.

    Haha don't worry, my hopes aren't really up and I'm starting to get over it I think (I thought it would be impossible to revise for my exams but it seems as though the opposite has happened!). I still need to speak to her again though, not least to sort out the flights we booked.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yea this suck's. I am on a different situation but was given the same ending line :( "we should move on our separate ways''
    you should move on. she just does not love u anymore.
    it happens, feelings do die sometimes.
    sorry
    *hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi kittyhugs, please do check the date of threads you reply to. The last time this was added to was may. 2009.


    It's dead.
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