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long, about my history and meds and stuff

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
hi, i really need to talk to someone, i mean someone who knows me, but i actually have noone who knows much about me. i mean they know bits of me, like little bits, my girlfriend knows what music i like, that i love movies and even that i have asperges and other mental health problems and she now knows that ive started self harming again. She dosnt know why i have started doing it again after about 10 months of not doing it. Im not saying i do it for atention, i dont talk about it to anyone i just normally tell my psychiatrist and my cbt theropist that i dont want to talk about it, and i allways cut were i dont think anyone will see it, i really try hard to hide it, i dont wear clothes that are tight, i allways wear long sleaved t-shirts ( i dont cutt my forarm, i cut above the elbow and my chest) i KNOW i can tell everyone this as the internet provides anonimity. my gf only found out when she took my shirt off, i tryed to keep it on but anyway thats history.

Well to understand some of this you may need to know my diagnosis's, i have asperges a form of high functioning autism, depresion ( ive been medicated for it since i was 13) i also have scitzophrenia ( the same ive been medicated for it since i was 13) i allso have high anxiety problems. i am on 2 prozac a day, and 2 small clozapien in the morning and 2 small and one large clozapien in the afternoon, i was also on mood stableisers untill i tried to od on them.

Lets start with one problem then move on to the others, i know this will be one long starting thread.

I didnt really have great genes, as nearly all of my fathers family suffer with eather depression, scitzophrenia or both, and my moms side are mostly autistic or have asspergess i think i inherited everything from both sides. Well i dont know what my dad was like ( he died when i was like 1 or 2) and i didnt have a father figure,this meant that i didnt know about the stuff dads teach there kids, like certain sports, how to talk diffrently to men and women and the diffrent types of respect. Aswell as what i have just mentioned i was also as the nursery and my future teachers said 'excentric' and because of this i didnt make friends easily, i had 4 friends when i was growing up, there was simon ( i say friend, but he wasnt very nice, but because my mom and his were friends i had to play with him, untill anyone else came around then he would just leave me on my own, i think its called deafing out). Then there was Steven who would come round to my house every other week, as his mother felt sorry for me (basicly he was forced) then the same thing happend with someone called kiren. Then there was micheal he was my friend at first because we both loved pokemon, after we got to know each other our parents became friends, now the two of them are unseperble, now micheal is older we grew apart and i just end up taking my mom back to our house when she gets drunk at micheals moms house. Well all i can say about the lot of them is if ever someone was bullying me or taking the micheal they were allways the first to join in, and that happend alot i was targeted by the bullies because of some of my excentricities (as my teachers would say) i was beaten up every few days ( oh i know, i know 'but i just said i self harm dosnt complaining about this make you a hippocrit', it dosnt as to me being beaten up and self harm are to diffrent things). After about 6 years of this, in my final year of primary school, the year i was in went on a residential trip for a week in camebridge, thats when i first started to notice how diffrent i was, how worthless i feel and how much of a bad person i was, so i tried to hang myself in the dorms.

Then i got home, and my mom was asking all sorts of questions about it ( the teachers told her about what i did) and i wouldnt and still wont talk about stuff like that to her. about how crap i feel and how crap i allways have felt. Then when i finally thought i was free to make something good come out of my life, my fucking sister dared her best friend to date me for 2 weeks, and stupid me didnt suspect a thing, i belived it so much, i was sooo happy, someone has accepted me for who i am, the person wasnt forced to be with me, i for the first time in years felt truly happy, as this feeling was quite new to me i missconstued it with love, i mean i know how pathetic it is, i saw that when people date they feel that way because its love, not that i was happy that someone liked me for who i was it was 'love'. then the two weeks were up, i had brought her presents, i had taken her places i had thaught i loved her and treated her with respect, she said ' i never really even liked you, your wierd and ugly, it was just a dare, bye' i felt so sad it was one of the most painful things i ever faced, not because of losing her, i couldnt care less about her now, just all the feelings of self worth, importancy and the happyness i had just plumeted in one big swoop. I was hurting so much, i couldnt cope, i mean it was like everything was out of my control. then i decided anything that would give me control, and that would take my mind off of my mental pain would be better than anything, so i started scratching at my arms with pins, nails and staples, just the tiny bit of stinging seemed to help, i was controlling how i felt phisically, it gave me power over myself gave me a kind of status, and while doing it the little bit of stinging made me think about the slight discomfort.

Then i start secondary school, i first just keep myself to myself, i made no friends, and just carried on for the first few weeks alone. THEN when thinking a little joke in my head about what the teacher was doing i accedentally said it out loud, the 4 kids around me start to laugh, i thaught wow i made them smile, I CAN MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY, so i shout out again, more kids laughing, again and again untill i actully start to get a reputation as the funny kid,the clown the person who people listen to to make them laugh. i started to get happyer and happyer, making more friends as each day came. Then it came to a point were everyone would say hello to me, be nice to me, i was happy.

So as its getting through november some one starts to get jelous as people do, he starts ranting about how much he wanted to hurt me because his group of friends were talking to me more than him (he was 12 and so was i, so we were natrally childish) and he hits me, at fist it was like i could see it all happening i was gonna get beaten and noone was gonna stop it. but as he hit me i felt almost no pain, it didnt even register, (it turns out the kids who use to beat me up were some of the hardest for there age in my city, that kid was weak in comparison, so for the first time in my life i clench my fist and swing my arm, i only needed to do it once and he got the message (like nearly everyone else), but with this came the crushing reality that i still had no friends, the people around me just stayed there because i made them laugh, none of them knew what music i liked, what my favourit thing to do is and most of them only knew my first name thats about it. my selfesteem droped, it felt bad, i realised i was replaceable to nearly everyone, if i died 2 more would take my place.

It was then christmas, i get a call from a long lost half brother (we lost contact with him when my dad died) he had a wife and kids now (he was 28- 16 years older) and he wanted to get back in touch. So me and my sister whent to see him, we went nearly every day after school. after a few months he started to give me alcohol, i was 13 and getting drunk nearly every 2 days. I started to not be funny anymore aswell, i was losing all my 'friends' and sure enough i was left with just me my sister and my brothers family, i started smoking weed (heavily after a couple of months). i started to see people following me, and hearing my name being shouted, and i had things inside my head telling me what people were thinking about me, what to do and how worthless i am. It started to get too much and i told my teacher, who set a person for me to talk to, who then put me in an inpateint mental health hospital.

i was there for about half a month before i was allowed to go home for a weekend, it was especially bad because my brother refused to visit as he is scared of hospitals. The voices were telling me that realy my brother didnt care, and how he hated it when i came home to see him on weekends. this made me very depressed, i tried to commit suicide again (obviously it didnt kill me), then i started to scratch my arm, but it didnt work aswell as it use to, i thought id have to go deeper, so i got a blade (i refuse to say how as i think it may, how to say this hmmm -encourage/tell- someone how to get one) and i made myself bleed, it felt like i had gained controll, it didnt sting like when i scratched my arm with stuff, it felt 'nice' i felt the plesure i had never felt before and my sense of self [shall i say] returned. i carryed on using the blade untill i got a proper razorblade. But i was still in hospital, hiding everything from the nurses was starting to annoy me, so i started to cut were they cant see, and after about a month i was discharged. oh yer they diognosed me with aspergess there and i was enrolled in a 'special' school no bullies and people were nicer to me there and i didnt have to be funny.

the first thing i did when i got home was go to my brothers to get wasted, this made the voices and parranoid thaughts become stronger. but anywho all i really did for a few months was go to my brothers, when his oldest daughter (she was a year older than me) started stroking my leg, i asked her to stop but she carried on, so i told my brother, he turned it round on me calling me a nonce saying i am into insest WHICH I AM NOT, the thought of it makes me feel sick. but we had an argument he broke my nose and i havent seen him since, its been 4 years.

anyway that started everything to go haywire, i started to cut deeper and more often, and this carried on for a few years (im just skipping ahead, yes i did get a psychiatrist and scn for all that time) and my meds started changing as i was needing stronger ones basically, then after a few diffrent options they decided to put me on clozapien and i had to go back to hospital for a while.

now i am out anf everythings getting worse, in just have run out of time so i have shortend this a hell of a lot i will write more about my lif as i go on, its just ive been writing too long now and its gonna be a hell of a read now, i mean at first it was gonna be short but it just kept evolving. thanks for reading.
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