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need advice please

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
hi, this is a bit of a long one, basically me and my BF have been together on and off for 6 years, mainly on. we broke up about a year ago and he started seeing someone else without telling me, even though we were living in the same house, i found out through readin a text from her, this was fine as we werent together, then one night he said he was goin to a party, i said i was stayin at my mums, and then decided not too, he came home around 4 lookin very shifty and sayin he was goin back out, i knew straight awaay that she was outside and went out there, he had obv told her to hide as i icouldnt find her and he admitted a day later that she was there hiding. We sorted it out and he stopped seein her and we got back together, all was well until about 2 months ago, this girl is part of our "group" of friends and we used to see her quite often which i hated and my BF had arguement with her so it was ok, they werent talkin, and then bout 2 months he went to a friends house and ended up stayin the night as very late and too drunk to come home, he didnt tell me til late that he was doin this and i was slightly pissed off and we argued and then the next day said he got up so late that all the shops were closed and he couldnt get money for bus, only he didnt tell me that as well other mates she was actually staying there too, they were talkin by now btw. when he came home i told him that i felt like somethin was goin on coz i couldnt text him etc aand he said that it was just that his phone died and he didnt get up in time to get home, he then stayed there for the next couple of weekends, i decided to tell him how i felt about him stayin there with her and we had a bit of a bust up and he had a go at me saying y would he fuck up 6 years for a slut like her etc, but i cant shake the feelin that something happened that nite, then last nite, i was snoopin i no i shouldnt but i icame across a text from her sayin that she was in a bit of trouble (with the police shes a proper wrongun) and has to disappear for a while, and that it was him and only him that she was tellin and so that he could visit her ?? and now im so confused and upset y would she be textin him somethin like this, as far as i was concerned they werent even really friends, as hes callin her a slut etc, and shes closer to other members of the group so y would she only tell him and why would she be askin him to visit her ???y would she text him things like this unless he;s given her the impression that its ok too and y didnt he tell me about this it just sounds like somethings happened between them and now i dont no what to do, i icant stop thinkin about it and would rather no if something had happened so that i can finish it, i dont want to continue like thiis anymore, its been 2 days since ive seen it and i caant talk to anyone about and all i do when im on my own is cry. i dont no whether to confess and ask him or continue, ive been with him 6 years and i love him so much but i cant continue like this?? the problem also is that its his bday on fridaay the 17th and if it is nothin then i dont want to ruin it by askin qus like this u no, but i have to no, what do you suggest coz this is killin me and im not sure how much longer i can go not knowin, do i say somethin or not ?? thank u for readin this, sorry its soo long and i really appreciate any advice it would really help me. xxx :( :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying:

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't read that because of the lack of punctuation and paragraphing, and also because of the text talk. If you break it up into chunks more people will read it and be able to help you.

    From what I can read of it, it doesn't really matter whether he's lying or not. If you can't or don't trust him then your relationship isn't going anywhere. This is the problem with going on a 'break' though; what it really means is "I want to sleep around and see if I can find anyone better, if I can't I'll come crawling back, if I can you won't see me for dust". It causes problems afterwards for a lot of people because one partner DID go and sleep around and the other one stayed in their bedroom waiting for them to come back.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's a good point that Kermit makes, whether anything did happen that night or not, the trust in your relationship seems to be breaking down and it can be a hard thing to repair. But, it can be done if you both really want things to work out between the two of you. It sounds like you don't feel he's being upfront with you and that's understandably really upsetting. If something did happen with this other girl then would that be it for you? Or, if it didn't, do you think you can put it behind you and move on?

    Have you tried finding time to talk to him calmy about it? Perhpas admit that you've been snooping and you feel horrible about it but try to explain calmly why you did and that you're keen to move past it. He may react badly at first and be upset that you invaded his privacy but if he wants to make things work it sounds like he needs to make an effort to reassure you about this other girl and find a way for you both to forget about it.

    You seem to be a very understanding sort of person and it's not him staying out all night that bothers you but that he doesn't stay in contact or let you know what he's up to. Hopefully you can reach a compromise. From what you've said, he's very much on the defensive right now and being fairly insensitive to how all this has effected you, it might take some time for him to come around. Good luck with it all :)
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