poems, may be triggering

Former Member

hi
I have been writing poems over the last few years, about my feeling and things which have happened, these are my favourite 3, more may follow.

Drawing

Drawing
Drawing lines
Lines of red
Like an artist
Drawing, drawing
But my paper
Is my own skin
And my pen
My own knife

Alone

Alone
Frightened
Scared
I ask why me
They laugh
Call names
Tell me to die
On the outside I am strong
On the inside I am breaking
Crumbling
They are destroying me
I wanted to die
Now it has stopped
But it still haunts me inside
Scared
Frightened
Alone

My head

The sea crashing against the rocks
The blood pulsing through my body
The mallet striking metal
The dissonance of clashing chords
The highest harmonics on a violin
The silence of a moor on a misty morning
The rumbling of thunder in a stormy night

i would be grateful for any feedback or comments, or just let me know what you think. thanks x

Former Member

The first and third are pretty good. The second is a bit...stop-start. It doesn't flow at all.

I think the first one would be improved if you cut a few lines and words. For example, you don't need the second line, and take away the 'like' from 'like an artist'. I also think you don't need the 'But', 'is', 'and' in the last three lines. I think removing them would make it more powerful.

Former Member

ok thanks for the feedback.